Strong Women and Whiskey

ack!

2006-12-22T11:45:00.000-05:00

It's almost Christmas, and a week ago, I was ahead of schedule! If anyone wants to help me make 4 huge trays of lasagne feel free to stop by. I'll let you munch on mozzerella when I'm not looking. I also have to do some cleaning. Just some... just the whole house. *sigh*

Welcome to the first day on the flip side of winter solstice. Can you feel it?

Collecting the Dead

2006-12-14T00:04:00.000-05:00

I stopped by the cemetary where three of my aunts, my grandfather, and Nanny are buried. We buried Nanny at the end of September.

I used to wonder on the sense of burial -- all that wasted space best used by the living, right? Well, I think we do use it. They're a captive audience in our minds, anyway. We can go and tell them whatever we want without hurting their feelings, risking ours, nurses bustling in, the odor of antiseptic. Just me and Nanny and the sound of rain and traffic. I'm a shelver, I shelve things and I have to come back later. I didn't trully grieve for Aunt Mabel and Aunt Ethel (one month apart) until Nanny's funeral. That day, as the cars were filing away to go back to the church, walked down the hill to visit them. That's when I wept -- for them, for missing them, for the end of an era in our family. I cried for Aunt Betty, who, died a quick and nasty death of brain cancer just as her beautiful house was nearly done being built, and not long after her burial, her husband (though I love him) had a new "lady friend". They have a joint tombstone, does it matter? Nanny is buried next to Pop Pop. He died in 85. Since then she had a companion, Bill, who was the only grandfather I ever knew. He loved her and us dearly. I'm sure he's buried next to his wife -- where it'll be easier for his kin to visit.

And it struck me on how much easier it is to "stop by" and talk to the dead. God knows how little of it I did when they were alive -- all of them, for different reasons. I've made my peace with those reasons but not with the things unsaid. The hinge of my jaw may be worn loose from overuse, but it seems I expect folks to know what's going on in my head with little effort on my part. The visit to the graveyard drove home family I've not connected with, two friendships I've jeopardized, one I've ruined and some I've tarnished recently.

I was a bit upset, that Nanny's stone was bare - her birthday was a few days ago. I though that perhaps I'd go to the convenience store across the street and get her a blue bag of Herr's potato chips, or some Big Red gum -- just a flower, even. As if there is some graveyard hierarchy in who's "best dressed". Just down the hill is a tombstone of a little boy who lived until he was four. The base of the stone is covered in little toy trucks that had been painstakingly lined up along the edges, a plastic alligator on top of the stone. He's been dead three times longer than he was alive -- some of those cars are nearly new.

Sometimes I wonder who's collecting who.

All fancied up after Nanny's funeral. DJ (left), and David (right) in the back. Devin (left), me (center), and Daryl (right) in the front.

And on a lighter note, the official goofball shot. We do bar mitzvah's too.

Cookies, cookies, everywhere....

2006-12-12T01:09:00.000-05:00

Ahhh, blogging. I remember this. Rather than try to catch up on months of stuff in one swoop, I'll start with Saturday. Raven and I decided to really put the newish kitchen through it's paces and have a cookie party. Okay, I thought it was a good idea and she kept me from fizzling out on it. (I simply don't do winter well, cold weather makes me stupid.)

There was a great turnout and a great many cookies made.... and eaten. I think we got a start on our holiday baking and got to enjoy some quality "hen-time". Not that I tend to be gender-biased but there's something great about sharing a kitchen with a pile of women. Poor Doug was kept nearly captive in the upstairs of the house playing computer games, except when he was called down to go fetch something, eat lunch, or be fed cookies. Okay, so I suppose that's a rather decadent existance, huh?

Now, for the pics.

Raven (foreground) and Sudie making spritz cookies -- which were buttery and delicious, even if some of the dogs resembled horses. Next, year I think the plan is to make more since we only just got the hang of it towards the end of the batch. By the way, I always thought spritz cookies were made with a special cookie gun, not a salad shooter gone gastro-pornographically haywire. I love the transition from healthy veggies to ultra-butter and sugar.

According to the sacred recipe Neddie brought forth from her Mom's recipe file, this cookie dough must be mixed by hand ONLY. Eve (left) seems to think this is a pretty good idea.

We all took so many turns washing dishes, this was one of Mary's. She refused to let us get a real picture of her, so this will have to sufice.... for now.

Erica (left) and her daughter Eve expertly rolling out the gingerbread dough.

No, Erica, I have no idea why Eve spent the night boucing off the walls once she got home. (I think we were all sneaking her treats like well-meaning aunts throughout the afternoon)

The official "Abundance" shot. We have peanut butter grahams and marshmallow grahams dipped in chocolate, coconut macaroons, "Mrs. Field's" chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter cookies, peanut butter kiss cookies, scotch shortbreads, ginger bread cookies, spritz cookies, and rum balls. The only thing we didn't get done en masse was decorate the gingerbreads. Raven came back over in the evening so she, Doug, and I could do that. Of course, giving my husband some kind of creative media at any point can be a bit, well, special.

Yep..... special... would be the word here. These I think may be the least politically offensive specimens. (Mike, the Communist Russia propaganda didn't make it into the photo shoot, so sorry!) I think his mental illness may have affected Raven, as well. From the top left: faceless bikini gingerbread girl #1, Captain Fabulous (it started as a sort of Frankie goes to Hollywood thing by Raven, I added the sparkly lightning and Doug named him), one sweet Devil (raven), faceless bikini gingerbread girl #2, Inquisition Snowman, Star of David Christmas Star, and Patrick Starfish. I'm not sure if these will be on display for the family gathering :)

Merry Meeting

2006-07-28T18:53:00.000-05:00

I love the name of this lake.

I am so sorry for my lack of bloggity goodness lately. Apparently I have no clue on how NOT to be busy. But, right now I'm sitting at the bench table in a quaint little cottage that Jon is renting this week up in New Durham, NH. After 8 hours of driving yesterday, it was to tempting for D and I to just "crash" here rather than stay. Plus, there was beer. So tomorrow, bright and early well, too early to be bright, we'll be on the road up to "waaaay up Maine" and will be heading back south, to home on Monday-ish.

E2 you almost got a visit, had it now been for the whole "exhaustion" thing. ;)

In other news, the garden looks like southeast asia, I have tons of pictures to post and all kinds of good stuff. Oh, and somehow I've managed to drop about 20 lbs in the past two months or so. Groovy!!

I'm being beckoned to go have dinner. Will post more later, especially if a package of cookies are waiting for me when we get home -- (*nudge*, Angie)

Dance junkie, new meds, joy

2006-05-26T07:34:00.000-05:00

I received and Xbox and all the toys to play Dance Dance Revolution for my birthday from Doug, Raven, and Derek. While I'll never be anywhere near on par with the Japanese 6 year olds that can rock out on it, I'm still having and aching-legged-don't-know-when-to-quit blast at it.

I went to a long overdue doctor's appointment Wednesday. My Doctor is incredibly cool, and actually really listens to me. I think, if he were not my Dr. he'd be a cool person to know -- actually I'm sure he and my husband would get along remarkably well. Regardless, I rarely have good news coming back from appointment. Since I've mostly kicked the smoking habit since my last physical, it's time to start seriously looking at weight loss. Keeping up the cardio wit DDR would be good, but I have to adjust my diet (moderately high cholesterol) and my blood pressure (a tad high). However before those things can be addressed we have to rule out that I don't have a sleeping disorder (which would affect the blood pressure) and before I have to do the whole sleep-study thing, I am on allergy meds for a month to see if that works, instead. I've got some kind of pressure back around the eustacian tubes that's making my ears itch like crazy.

Oh, and he prescribed Cymbalta for me because apparently, big suprise here folks, I'm clinically depressed and have been for some time. I'm not sure how I feel about really accepting that -- but it finally came down to survival, and I had to address it because I simply was not functional. It'll take a month to fully work, if it does, so maybe there will be a remarkable difference. Maybe not. If it does, then I start looking for a counselor. I hope that I can find a way around being permanently medicated (particularly since I'd have to come off to have kids and nurse). I'm suprised at his choice of meds, though, Cymbalta is a seritonin AND norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor. Seritonin is a mood hormone but norepinephrine is a pain regulating hormone. The shorts story is sometimes nerves tell the brain that they're in pain even when there's no actual stimuli for pain. Maybe the lining of the nerve has worn away from malnutriton (poor circulation of blood and lymph) and a condition occurs call neuropathy. This happens to many diabetics. This med is also approved to treat neuropathy. Hrmph. The web site says it's for the general aches and pains that often accompany depression (which makes sense, even though I'd never put them together) -- the only thing is that I don't like to take any kind of painkiller if I can help it at all. But I'm willing to try it -- could link back to the sleep thing -- it may help me sleep better which is overall better for my physical and mental health.

I do know that I wrote my first poems in a long time yesterday, even though they sucked. Part of me has avoided this for a long, long, time because I was afraid I'd lose my creativity. Then, I'd become so bad, that I lost all my creativity and passion except for the occasional outburst. Hell, I wasn't even enjoying food anymore -- that's when I knew it was bad. But wouldn't it be funny if I got it all back and the thing that I though spawned a lot of my creativity was exactly the thing that stymied it?

Just a thought. An experiment. Oh, and the allergy meds -- I hadn't realized it, but my sense of smell had diminished a lot. I smelled the outdoors yesterday and was ready to get drunk on it. Even if I don't totally approve, they're working. I just need to see if I can find an effective holistic approach down the road some.

Okay, enough boring medical bullcrap. Here's a really cute picture of Jonas, Angie's kid. I think this photo just captures joy as it should be.

for the archive

2006-05-26T07:23:00.000-05:00

....some butchery in the form of non-traditional haiku and tanka. hrmph -- very non traditional as I look it it, more nature and form rather than the intent.

oh well, first thing I've written in months. i rather li8ke the sonic blooms though, it's probably already been done somewhere/how

==============

rose brambles burst forth
wrapped in the scent of sweet hay
whisper autumn's work

========

i shall drink the wind
and fill my belly with sun-
mourn a lost season

rain stings my face spicy
listen: blossoms bloom sonic

========

chrysalis my mind
in sheer sheets of summer wind
blarg blarg blargity <------- I had something horrible and trite here, and now I can think of anythinge else right now because it rhymed and is stuck in my head!!!!!

half a month too long...

2006-05-15T22:23:00.000-05:00

...and I should be in bed.

Bed is a lonely place despite the kitty's attempts to warm it up. Doug is away on a business trip, which would be disconcerting to most in my position ( my birthday is Tuesday) except that I have to be up at 6 a.m. in order to be at school at 8 a.m. and to be at a massage event at 9 a.m. When that is completed at 3 p.m. I have to be at school by 5:30 (there is some distance involved) and won't be out until close to 10, I surmise. So, no point in getting worked up. I'll at least be spending the day doing something I love.

I have so many pictures to post that I think it'll have to wait for another post, since it always takes so long for me to compress, re save, and attach them. Angie's visit was amazing fun -- I hope we get to visit again. She and Jonas are so very cool. And whatever Wil did to get them here after all the mix-ups has earned him some kind of treat from Barnhenge. Maybe I could send a chicken.

We did so much in the few days of the visit. Thursday Angie, Jonas, and I went to a Turkish place for lunch, and then went home and spend at long time laughing at Jonas playing in the sprinkler. Of course the fact that I've been waiting for the perfect excuse to break out my Patrick Starfish Sprinker had nothing to do with that...

Friday-- we drove around a lot, and basically relaxed. In the evening we went to see Joyce Carol Oates and Salman Rushdie speak at the DuPont Theater in Wilmington. So we got to dress up and be intellectuals for an evening. I've been looking forward to this for some time, as JCO is one of my all time favorite authors -- Rushdie as it turns out, was the immediately engaging one, JCO took a bit more time to warm up, I think, because she was trying to figure out her audience. I like her even more since seeing her, an introverted, somewhat awkward figure on the stage, taking up so very little space, when having read her work, I understood what a massive expanse her mind fills. She, to me, embodies the archetype of a writer. Plus, she is a cat person, which wins points in my book. Rushdie, on the other hand, with his jokes and convivial attitude, and presence seemed so at ease in the eye of so many, like he fed on it -- which may in fact be the case, as much press as some of his work has gotten. He commented that until here recently the Satanic Verses and the fahtwa were so controversial that the book itself was overlooked for it's literary contents-- this I've noticed.

So the 90 minute forum definately provided some thought. Afterwards Angie and I wondered the streets of Wilmington, feeling oddly like country bumpkins playing dress-up, looking for something to prolong the evening. We found a little Italian place with cute waiters and outdoor seating so we treated ourselves to White-Chocolate Rasperry Martini and dessert (tiramisu for Ang, Limoncello Cake for me) and some good conversation before heading home.

Saturday we cooked and cooked and I still couldn't facilitate getting dinner on the table sooner than 8. *sigh* I swear there is some kind of mental block that makes it impossible for me to get supper on the table at an earlier hour. I suppose it's not that I'm a decent cook, but that hunger does wonders for the flavors of a meal. Angie was a phenomenal sous chef and also prepared a very tasty Spinach Roulade that I think will end up being an entertaining mainstay. I have a great picture of her weeping over the onions, I think I'll share it later. *grin*

Sunday we played at the Fairie Festival -- a whole big group of us with Raven, Derek, Morgan, Melissa, Doug, Ang, Jonas, and myself. Followed by Fireside Fondue at Barnhenge and some much needed sleep. By Monday, our main goal was to keep Jonas smiling, since, by this point the poor tyke had been massively overstimulated and prepared to meltdown at the drop of a hat. Not that I can blame him, it happens to those of us that are hardened to such things too. He did really well and it was touching to see he and Morgan play.

In other news it looks like our garden is about two weeks behind, which means that we'll be innundated with harvest come late summer. This is based on the assumption that everything grows. We have technically just past our frost-free date, so maybe it won't be so bad. Doug has been working really hard in his "spare" time to get the fence up, with so much wildlife around (including the very helpful chickens) we simply cannot plant until it's fenced in.

Let's see, what else -- I've had my first clinic at the school, which was exciting to get to do - an actual paying client (to the school), I even got a tip! I quit my job working doing in-home care, and have to find a new one sometime in early June -- there was just too much going on that was preventing me from being dependable. Mom finally had her tests at the hospital -- after the incident of her being ill and vomiting blood -- the test turned up a bit ol' ulcer, but everything else is normal or as it was already. I think we were all really scared it would be something much, much worse. She's on meds for it, and already going well, I think.

This past Saturday I got to go to a Tea held at the same family's house where Doug and I got married. They are such awesome people. Mrs. Taylor host's a tea occasionally -- there were at least forty ladies (and one man) there as guests. Her family and some friends do all the cooking, prep work, and decorating. I went with my friend Erica -- it's such a relaxing, and indulgent event -- with good food and tasty baked treats -- some violin music, and her sons took turns between courses to read us themed poetry. *sigh* What a great way to spend a lovely spring day.

speaking of days, mine begins early tomorrow so I should sleep.

g'night.

this poem

2006-05-13T18:22:00.000-05:00

struck me today and held me fast

Spring and All
by William Carlos Williams

By the road to the contagious hospital
under the surge of the blue
mottled clouds driven from the
northeast-a cold wind. Beyond, the
waste of broad, muddy fields
brown with dried weeds, standing and fallen

patches of standing water
the scattering of tall trees

All along the road the reddish
purplish, forked, upstanding, twiggy
stuff of bushes and small trees
with dead, brown leaves under them
leafless vines-

Lifeless in appearance, sluggish
dazed spring approaches-

They enter the new world naked,
cold, uncertain of all
save that they enter. All about them
the cold, familiar wind-

Now the grass, tomorrow
the stiff curl of wildcarrot leaf
One by one objects are defined-
It quickens: clarity, outline of leaf

But now the stark dignity of
entrance-Still, the profound change
has come upon them: rooted, they
grip down and begin to awaken

May Day

2006-05-01T22:45:00.000-05:00

Some folks make resolutions at the new year, but to me, May 1 has always represented the promise of new beginnings. I always feel so much more vital and vibrant - ready to take on the world and burst out of hibernation.

Sadly, I didn't spend much time in reflection, or outside enjoying the glorious day, but the site of tulips and happy chickens in my rear view mirror was pleasing enough. Doug and I worked on the garden almost all day on Sunday, and since our wheel barrow has a flat, I hauled manure by the bucket over to the tilled area until I just couldn't anymore. It's very frustrating that it seems I've pushed us into biting off quite a bit insofar as the garden goes, but as Doug pointed out, what we may lose in productivity, we'll gain in experience. I just don't want to be one of the types that gets us into projects and leaves him to finish them when I lose steam!

Which leads me to one of my resolutions of culitvating patience. Tangent to my Taurean nature is a deep streak of impatience and a need for immediate gratification. My only explanation for this is that I often "bulldoze" my way through projects with almost manic overzealousness, and then I fade out, overwhelmed or content to linger in the pasture and look at the pretty flowers.... or nap... or I just get frustrated. So basically, I try to do things that I can finish in a relatively short period of time so I don't leave so many loose ends... which in turn frustrate me further.... drivel, drivel, I know, but it's true. So this year, I'm learning patience. I have it, just need to tap into it.

Of course this also means to cultivate patience, I have to stop taking on more than I can handle. A certain ex of mine used to get absoltutely frustrated with my apparent drive to be "superwoman" -- after years, I finally get it. It's not so much my independant streak, but the fact that I just take on too much. What he was getting frustrated with was not that I would take on too much, but, since I knew he was a "sure thing" and would still be there, I slacked off in my attentions to him when I started having to pare down my emotional/physical load.

This is one of those things that makes me a horrible/wonderful friend. I'm there for any crisis, but if you're okay, then odds are I'm helping someone else deal with a crisis and neglecting you. The other day, I lamented to my mom that it seemed like the only time anyone wanted to talk to me (exaggeration, I know.... don't any of you take this personally!) it was because there was something or some drama that they needed to vent/resolve/complain about.

After some reflection, I wondered if this is something that over the years, I've inadvertantly cultivated. If I tend to be more available to those in need of my emotional (sometimes physical) resources, then wouldn't it make sense that that would be the way to get to me if you just wanted some company? What's more, why on earth can't I let folks have their problems? Why do I have to feel responsible for their well-being? Why do I worry excessively? What makes my advice so valuable, and is it more likely that I just feel the need to give it? I have a few internet friends that I've worked around this on -- so in writing, I'm learning to be the better friend by just "listening" but I've felt the need lately to turn off the phone.

I looked in my inbox and verified that most of the emails still sitting and waiting for replies are from folks that I'm just keeping up with... you know... like friends do. Some of them are weeks old.

So apparently, this is a trend, and the thing is, I would put a trend in my lap -- not blame the people I love. Ultimately, we're responsible for the way we let our environments affect us. There's been a lot going on here lately, and I do feel drained. I was talking to one of the instructors at school who handles the energy techniques and she said that it would make sense -- when someone is in need, they make unconsciously drain the positive energy out of those around them. She showed me some techiniques to help keep that from happening when I don't want it to. It'll be interesting to learn more.

Enough rambling for me about this introverted crap. Doug and I have been slowly turning the old kitchen into an office, and the old office into a guestroom. We have company (Angie!!!!) coming to Barnhenge this weekend, and I'm so excited! I know I'll not get everything perfect and clean, but I'd like to tidy up a bit and finish getting the office stuff out of the guest room.

Goodnight all.

photos, food, and friends

2006-04-26T22:30:00.000-05:00

Roasted Cornish Hen with Black Olive Tapenade and Herbs

Doug's "boss" (also a friend) came to dinner sometime in the past month or so. This was a winner, and so easy. I can't remember everything else from that dinner except the smashed potatoes that almost got forgetten. I always cook too much food!

My take on "le Oeuf Jeannette" from Jacques Pepin's book The Apprentice: My Life in the Kitchen. Very good, especially since our eggs are so fresh. I substitued stone ground mustard for Dijon, and really enjoyed the added texture. The dressing (made from leftover filling and some vineagrette-type ingredients) was light, yet rich and creamy. A bit high cholesterol, but a good dinner nonetheless.

I have a new love in the world of root vegetables: the parsnip. I'm not much of a carrot-eater, so the flavor, when described to me as carrot-like, did not sound like something I would go out of my way to prepare. I'm very glad my brother and his girlfriend got me The All Year Cookbook, by Shirley Gill for Christmas. Not only is it a great cookbook that focuses on seasonal cooking, but it's got lots of pictures. I like pictures. My only complaint on the book is that it leaves out the occasional step that many cooks understand is integral, but a less experienced or more literal cook would question. Regardless, this Spiced Parsnip Soup is creamy, fragrant, and showcases the subleties of the humble parsnip with a little exoticism. It's a little rich for every-day cooking, but distinctive and simple enough to add a memorable touch to a dinner event. I've already tested it on company twice. :) I discovered three days before Easter that Doug and I would be hosting Easter Dinner. I was determined to keep it simple, but somehow it still took a whole day of prep work and cooking. This is some of it --
-- not to mention the Easter-cannoli. I did yellow and green. They turned out really pretty.
Easter tree adorned with some handcrafted ornaments bought in Germany by my mom before I was born. We have no forsythia yet, so maple branches worked.

The absolutely appropriate "Wild Kingdom" shot.

Hasenpfeffer. I had planned to cook this for Easter dinner, due to my dislike of the "Easter Bunny" horsecrap -- my plans were derailed by my mother who refused to participate. I haven't had it in years (like 15). This bunny was actually a farm-raised organic bunny purchased by a reputable butcher for a small fortune. While it was very tasty it did make me ponder two things: 1) we need more friends that hunt and 2) whether we should raise meat rabbits since even *I* was willing to pay exorbitantly for this one. The basic premise is to cook up a marinade of vinegar and spices, marinate the critter overnight in it, then cook it in a pot whilst adding the strained marinade to it. It's finished with a roux of flour and water and then sour cream before serving. Really, very good, and a farm-raised/proffessionally butchered rabbit was missing the sometimes strong "wild" musky taste as well as bits of hair that home butchers usually miss.

.... but Oh! the betrayal of the Easter Decorations.

Our recent rainy weekend yeilded a few hours of sunshine on Sunday. We had a regular munchkin photo-shoot with my godson, Morgan. Apparently he's been watching his Dad clear downed branches out of their yard, so he was excited to help Doug and I with some of ours. The photos turned out really well, I'll be posting more either here or on The Baby in the Mirror.

My friend Mike came up from Arizona where he is honing his musical and technical genius for the whole weekend. I miss him again. Good times.

This face.... I don't even remember what my handsome husband was saying at the time. But this is the face he makes when he is saying something that borders on sarcastic and is likely taking a complete tangent from the remark he should be responding to. Yes, we see this expression a LOT around here. :)

hit the ground running

2006-04-12T17:04:00.000-05:00

One of the best smells in the whole world is the smell of bedsheets after they've been dried outside on a sunny day (provided that you live in an area where a sunny day smells nice). Today was one of those breezy spring days that kept me from lingering in that space between bed and dressed. I had the linens washed and on the clothesline by 8:45 -- which is very impressive for me. I also washed a set of sheets that I used for class on Tuesday. I hope whoever I work with on Thursday appreciates it.

Speaking of class -- I almost lost it yesterday. We've worked on most areas of the body in the prone (downfacing) position thus far. Yesterday, we were slated to start learning our final prone sequence, the legs. When this sunk in, I was inwardly freaking out. First of all, that meant I had to shave. I'm naturally light haired and a bit lazy, so after winter this task was a bit, well, daunting. I managed to get that done without the aid of the weed whacker, but it was close. Second of all, I'm incredibly self conscious about my upper legs. Like, REALLY, self conscious. As in I'm not comfortable letting my husband see me in a swimsuit without a sarong. Let me get this straight, nekkid is one thing, a fully exposed leg on it's one is another thing altogether. Even more attention is drawn to the upper leg when there is a visual dividing line. To top things off, I pulled the short straw and was supposed to be the class guinea pig while the instructor gave an overview. Absolutely not. I managed to pass that on to a more willing person.

I ended up paired with a classmate who is significantly smaller than me. A LOT smaller, in fact, which added to the knot in my stomach. But I survived it. Leg massage feels really good, by the way. I was open about being self-conscious -- which is good, because usually I just crack self-derrogatory jokes and my partner was really quite cool about it. We got to talking about the fact that we've both worked with the elderly and disabled. She made a point to tell me that she'd done a lot of personal care, which I could empathize with. For those not in the "know" personal care is hairbrushing and all that good stuff, but it is also bathing, shaving, and buttwiping. But I realized, after the comment, that her intent was really to make me more comfortable -- and it did. Gave me the confidence that she saw bodies the way I do -- as something in need of care. Plus I now know that she's dealt with WAY worse than me. :)

It's those small kindnesses that can just make things so much better. I was able to, in just a brief conversation, let go of my insecurity and focus learning, and enjoying the massage.

Anyway, more stuff going on here, got some curtains hung, starting to figure out how to create the guest room for when we have company in May (yay!), made banana bread, played with chickens, we have lots of eggs now. Gonna have to use them up.

Okay, enough rambling. Off to make some chicken alfredo for dinner. MMMMM pasta.

updates

2006-04-11T07:43:00.000-05:00

For someone who used to lay claim to being something of a wordsmith, I certainly can't seem to find them sometimes. I'm no good with words for grief and loss. The kind of loss that a very dear friend of mine is experiencing is so intense that I can't find any words to give her. Maybe that's it, though, having been something of a wordsmith -- I am more acutely aware of the resonance of a word, and can't find any that are even close to the situation. The only thing I know how to do is wrap someone in my arms and listen-- try to draw some pain from them like a poultice.

I really wanted to get in my car last night to do just that. She and her family are in my thoughts today, all I can really do is send as much good, loving energy that way as I can.

****************

Things here are what they are. My grandmother has had some kind of seizure or something over the weekend, she was living in a nursing home. They still can't figure out if it was a stroke or what -- but they had to insert a pacemaker to regulate her heart. She conscious again, but Mom tells me she's raving and babbling -- before whatever it is happened, she was very cognizant and verbally understandable. So they're working on that.

The same weekend, my aunt had just come back from a short-notice trip to Johns Hopkins with heart trouble. She's had several bypass surgeries and a shunt (I think that's the right word) -- so another surgery, especially an emergency surgery, had us all holding our breath. But, she's home now, and recuperating, thankfully.

The weekend brought some reunions, too. We had dinner Saturday night with some very good friends that we'd not seen in a very long time -- they came over and I cooked a really interesting salt-crusted chicken, that, despite the ratio of 1 lb salt to 1 lb chicken, turned out not very salty and wonderfully tender and fragrant. Sunday, I had a friend from back in my highschool days stop by -- she'd located me on MySpace -- and it was absolutely great to see her. We chatted for a few hours. It would be great if we could get together again -- I think we've both changed in some very similar ways.

School is good. I love it, most of the time. Sometimes I think I have some mild form of Turrett's because my mouth has no "off" switch -- or well, it does, but often it doesn't work - especially in the classroom setting. And it's not profanity that comes out, it's some form of humor. *sigh* It's getting better though. I managed to quiet down yesterday, some.

Doug and I were supposed to finalize the closing on our house last week, transferring from the construction loan to the final mortgage. He finally went yesterday and did that. Friday was hell, though. Since we're not totally done, I wont' totally rant, but we're so incredibly frustrated and pissed off at our mortgage company that it's really turning into fury. They are just incredibly incompetant, and by the time we really discovered this, it was too late to really back out and go elsewhere. It's not just us, though, we're spoken to other folks in and around the business who've told us that what they've done to us is either illegal, or darned close -- at the very least unproffessional and incompetant. *sigh*

Oh, and we've had a rather large rotor tiller for about 2 weeks now, (18 inch rear tine tiller) and haven't been able to use it. The first weekend, we spent saturday on the phone with the tractor store trying to get it to go into gear. This was unsuccessful, so they sent someone out last week to fix it -- which was also unsuccessful. So now, this week sometime they'll be sending us a new one. We have to get two tills in by frost free in order to make the most of the growing season, it would be nice to get started!

We finally ordered seeds, and seedlings from Seeds of Change. Due to our tilling delays, I don't see much hope in starting too much indoors, they might get a bit unruly on me, like Erin's morning glories before I have somewhere to plant them. Doug has planted our rasperries and blackberries in the area that he and my brothers (and I - some) cleared of multi-flora over the past few weeks. Just beyond that will be our garden -- all 30' x 75' of it. We'll be cover-cropping about half of it with fava beans probably. I dunno though, looking at our seed order, we could use all of the room! Some of the seeds, like beans, greens, radishes, etc- you plant in succession so you don't have them all ripe, all at once. We also don't intent to plant huge amounts of any one veggie. This year is more about finding out what works -- so we have an assortment. My favorites are going to be to see how the San Marzano tomatoes, All-Blue potatoes, Black corn, Rosa Bianca eggplant work out (it's white and pink!), and moon and stars melon. I haven't even started on herbs, yet, and I love herbs with a passion. That's more of a "next-year" project, since I have an idea for an herb garden in an area that's not been cleared yet.

We've maybe lost our minds. In addition to these plants, I have some wax beans, turnips, mustard greens and luffa to plant:

LIVE, POTATO, ALL BLUE 2 LBS
LIVE, POTATO GERMAN BUTTERBALL 2 LBS
RADISH, GARDEN, CHAMPION
SPINACH, AMERICA
SUMMER SQUASH, COCOZELLE BUSH ZUCCHINI
SUMMER SQUASH, YELLOW CROOKNECK
WINTER SQUASH, SPAGHETTI
TOMATO, CHERRY, PEACEVINE
TOMATO, PASTE, ROMA
TOMATO, PASTE, SAN MARZANO
TOMATO, SLICING, YELLOW PERFECTION
TOMATO, SLICING, BRANDYWINE
BEETBERRY
BEAN, FAVA, SWEET LORANE - 5 LB.
BEAN INOCULANT
SEEDLING, MEDITERRANEAN SIX PACK
BEAN, BUSH, PAWNEE SHELL
BEAN, BUSH, BOUNTIFUL STRINGLESS SNAP
BEAN, BUSH, ROYAL BURGUNDY
BEAN, POLE, KENTUCKY WONDER
CORN, DAKOTA BLACK POPCORN
CORN, SWEET, STOWELLS
LETTUCE, CRISPHEAD, ROUGE DE GRENOBLOUSE
LETTUCE, ROMAINE, BARCAROLE
LETTUCE, LOOSELEAF, SWEET VALENTINE
MELON, WATERMELON, MOON & STARS
ONION, VALENCIA
PEA, SNAP, SUGAR
PEA, SNOW, OREGON GIANT
PEPPER, SWEET, PIMIENTO-L
PEPPER, SWEET, CAL WONDER BELL
GARLIC, SOFTNECK, TRANSYLVANIAN - 1/2 LB.

Total Product $: 125.79
Grand Total: 149.59

I'm hopeing we're able to get $150 worth of produce out of this deal. :) Fortunately, I think we will because 1) we are learning 2) I'll plan meals around said produce and we'll be purchasing less meat 3) many of these plants are heirloom varieties so with a bit of work, we can keep and store seeds in order to plant next year. Enough of me rambling, though, it's time to study, shower, and paint something before I go to work.

Happy Birthday Blog!

2006-04-03T11:27:00.000-05:00

Strong Women and Whiskey is 1 year old today! Loaded with strong women but a little low on whiskey. How did this begin? With my fiance on a two week business trip, and me home sick, and bored.

http://strongwomen-and-whiskey.blogspot.com/2005/04/well.html

It started as a place for me to reflect, and post some poetry. Now it's more food, photography, and life. Wild.

a quick gloat

2006-03-31T08:42:00.000-05:00

Two tests in class this week, and both of them scored 100.

Wow.

And yesterday's medical terminology exam was a tough one. I rarely gloat, but I'm particularly thrilled about this because I was so worried that I'd do poorly.

I brought home a portable table to practice the back sequence this weekend. I need to practice my body mechanics until they become natural, and work on timing.

mmm. time for coffee and some outdoor time.

self portraits and spring

2006-03-29T18:39:00.000-05:00

sometimes when I'm low, I take self portraits. I almost never share the images. What I do, is to take the pictures, download them onto the computer and pick them apart -- usually around the time I start counting my pores or berating a single unplucked eyebrow, I have to start laughing at myself for being absolutely insane.

That and a nap in the sunny spot by the flower bed did the trick.

How very O'Keefe, no?

In real life this little guy is only 3 inches tall, a warm spell then frost stunted them.

I actually sorta like this one, because the timer caught me off guard.

strong hands

2006-03-29T08:58:00.000-05:00

"Icicle, icicle where are you going?

I have a hiding place when spring marches in"

- Tori Amos

Beauty is a beast. It stalks me and pounces when least expected, or everywhere, all the time - maybe not a beast but a swarm of bees zapping me along the way. I will stop spellbound to absorb it in the most awkward places. I'm not sure why, it's almost masochistic. What I do know is when it gets thrown at me, it doesn't feel natural, and when it doesn't I miss it. In both instances I long for something genuine that just won't exist. I think things can be beautiful when they meet a need. Like haggis. Most folks will not touch it, but if they are literally starving, it becomes beautiful. After the hunger pangs have ebbed, then it's beauty fades and it may even become revolting again.

In school we work on each other. I have always loved the human form and it's many, many variations. But when you're the one on the table, there's a certain overexposure there, since in the classroom setting, there are 5 people not on the table and 4 people on the table. Laying prone with a drape tucked into my underpants, I can feel my fat rolls schmooshing around and I don't even want to think about what that looks like. Breasts, too, become a little unruly and smoosh out the sides, but that happens to almost all of the women in this class. And I know it's about wellness, and I know that my intent is pure in that respect, and I know that I am not judgemental at all of other's figures. But you can never be sure of others -- or even if I am sure of this intellectually, emotionally I still beat myself up.

Then comes the self depricating humor. I am not someone who is "fishing" for compliments with humor. Honestly, it's my way of indication that yes, I know I'm fat, loud, or talk too much by way of humor -- let's just get that out there so you don't think I'm ignorant, too.

for example a dialogue:

A: (to S and I) Do you all like cake?

me: Honey, do I look like I've ever let a piece of cake pass me by? (laughs)

I've often thought too, that it's good that I'm pretty non-sexually stimulating if I'll be a massage therapist, because working on either gender can be tricky then-- men because it could be counter productive and they'll be unable to relax, and women because there are few things more intimidating to most women than a very attractive woman -- again, counterproductive.

In any case, it's good to have strong hands.

dream a little dream

2006-03-26T15:33:00.000-05:00

Today I woke up and it was chilly and grey. In that foggy place before waking I reminisced on those late-mornings in early spring when I'd stay over a Mike's place, curled into his couch. We'd wake up and snarf some Triscuits and Easy Cheez before stumbling out the door for coffee (the first of many cups a day) from Wawa.

I mentioned this to Doug and so by 10:15 (I'd only woken up the third time at 9:45) we were out the door and heading to Wawa. On the way, I saw baby sheep running across a field, and baby cows nursing. I thought of becoming vegetarian for the 50th time this week, and decided again, that I'd rather limit my meat consumption to animals that well, I know where they came from and how they were slaughtered.

At Wawa, I got coffee. And a breakfast sandwich. And a chocolate covered cherry.

I cannot eat without getting it all over myself. I have biscuit crumbs on my shirt still, and I dribbled the cherry cordial stuff on on of my pigtail braids. Now my hair is stiff and sticky, but tasty.

We decided to not stop at the flea market because at 11 p.m. the guys there were looking mostly to leave. As I mentioned before it was also grey and chilly. In the spirit of the day Doug and I drove around and talked. Went to a local "Country" store that was rather cool. Drooled on some furniture that I know I could have made myself. Hit the local nursery and looked a fruit trees.

Doug made sure to go back the way the baby sheep were so that I could see them again. We dream and drive a lot. The latest dream being to turn the barn ruins in to a convertible greenhouse/three season room/ barbeque area. It'll work, really, it will.

and we have gardens and fruit trees and a barbeque and kitties and doggies and lots of baby animals and chickens and a massage/spa area and meditation gardens lots of stuff to do and we'll try to be self sustaining and everything...

and perhaps in the process, we'll still manage to keep our friends, eh?

Over here...

2006-03-24T16:29:00.000-05:00

*Warning, this is apt to be a long post due to my own negligence in maintaining this blog.*

Just in case any of you are wondering, massage school is a beautiful thing. We practice on each other! Which means that odds are, I'll be having massage of some kind approximately three nights a week for the next several months.

In an effort, however, to learn "how to learn" again, I've been a bit of an internet recluse. I generally check my email, but have not been good about responding, and browse my regular blogs and then get off the computer. It has a bad habit of sucking me in.

School is wonderful and scary. We have a class of eight, which is impressive I've been told, for a night class. The biggest, and in some ways best, difference between this form of higher learning and the collegiate form is that we are all there for a common reason: to learn massage. What we intend to do with that knowledge may vary since there are so many areas in which we may focus - whether that may be in a spa, or gym, or in a physical therapy/ rehabilitation setting. A normal college class will have people that have to be there to get the credit and have no particular interest in the subject matter aside from learning enough to pass. Enthusiasm makes a huge difference.

Unfortunately, I've found myself to be a very annoying classmate. In same ways, I'll wager it's because I'm a bit socially starved, in others more due to the fact that I'm one of those insecure types that makes up for it with humor and chattiness. In any case, I talk to much, and even moreso, wisecrack entirely too much. I have enough experience in teaching to know how disruptive that can be. I may be comfortable with the material, but I may be hindering my classmates. Our class design is pretty relaxed, I don't want to abuse that.

So right now I'm working on thinking before I wisecrack, in tandem with only letting half the things I want to say actually come out of my mouth. Questions pertaining directly to the subject at hand do not count. I find that I do not have this problem when we are working on massage itself, but in the classroom setting. Come to think of it, I recall this habit in other classes I've taken (way back in high school). But only in certain ones - the classes when for whatever reason, I started to get pegged as "the smart one". Now there is another "smart one" in this class (no one, in my opinion, is lacking in intelligence at all, but you know how labels go), and I sit next to her, really like her, in fact. Anyway, it seems that, when I feel this label hovering over my head, I start buffering things with humor, all kinds of humor, to keep it from sticking. It's an odd kind of superimposed humility and scream to be liked, isn't it?

*sigh*

Another great thing about the massage field is that it's not something you learn and just go out and do. You have opportunity to constantly be learning. There are, I believe, continuing education requirements for licensing, as well. The act of learning has stimulated my brain and I don't feel quite as stagnant as I did a few weeks ago. Yay!

In other BIGBIG news, the kitchen is finally done! As is the siding, and the windows, and the hardwood flooring. Pictures will follow, but wow, what a relief to have it done. The house no longer looks like a haunted house up on the hill, and the kitchen is HUGE and gorgeous. I'm so happy with how it turned out. The before and after pictures will be amazing.

We're also getting ready for spring, we burned the huge pile of brush in the barn ruins a few weeks ago so that we can start putting more in. I'm perusing the Seeds of Change catalog for veggies, and we've already purchased some blackberry and raspberry bushes to go in -- possibly this weekend. We're not frost-free yet, but I can mulch them and tent them with plastic sheeting and they'll be fine. All the other briar-type plants around here will take over if we don't. In an effort to thwart said coup, Doug, myself, and two of my brothers hacked at about 75X25 feet of solid briars over the course of two weekends in order to clear the hillside going down to where the garden will be. The second (and hardest) weekend, the guys did it without me. There was all kinds of crap buried there = barbed wire, old flooring with the linoleum still on it, more barbed wire, golf balls, what looks to be old tractor parts, and God knows what else.

We did have a really big, as in REALLY big bonfire that night. Had the big idea of roasting hot dogs. We had to wait a bit for that. Finally Daryl figured out that you could belly crawl towards one of the more burnt-down areas if you wrapped you face in a hoodie and used a long stick. If we caught fire, we figured that we already had the first two steps of "Stop, Drop, and Roll" taken care of. Mmmm. Hot dogs.

So the brush is gone, and now we have two work on digging up the root systems, clearing out some more junk dumped two owners back. We figure if that hillside has done such a good job supporting brambles, then the raspberries should grown there really well. *grin*

Doug and I have invested in a pretty decent tiller which will be delivered some time soon, I hope. As many times as we are going to need it, the investment in purchasing one just seems financially logical. I hope to get the first till done within a week so that we can get some organics worked in and the first wave of weeks out before planting. By planting early we can also determine whether we'll be absolute failures at growning from seed and be able to purchase seedlings if we have to in late May.

The only awkward thing so far is that I have to learn to take better care of my hands, so I can't afford to be reckless, have to wear gloves for everything, etc. Not that I'm terribly reckless, it's just that I can't have any open wounds whatsoever, even cat scratches, or I have to massage in gloves which would be better to avoid. Aside from wounds, this also means that I need to be carefull about what work I do -- for example, no more grout since it does a number on your wrists. I can't say I'm altogether too upset about that. I feel like a pansy to have to limit myself to "protect my hands, wah!"

In the animal world, one of our recently gained chickens has been lost. The flock wasn't taking too well to her, so I'll stand firm in the belief that she packed her bag ran away. Doug and I combed the area and didn't see any evidence of "fowl" play so that's what we're sticking with. It's a shame, too, because she was of a breed that lays green eggs. The rest of the chickens are being quite productive and we've been giving away eggs left and right. I think I may pickle a batch of them soon.

Gigi, the Russian Blue kitty has finally be spayed. Hooray, no more midnight yodeling from her. Pierre, the rabbit, however has cost us another $150 in vet bills since he's been having weird poops. You have to watch their poops, apparently. And he had to have his belly/butt shaved because it got all cruddy with stool. He's the most expensive pet I've ever had, and it's getting frustrating. Fortunately, I absolutely love our vet and her whole office is this amazing place of happy energy.

Doug surmised that perhaps Collette got a little worried about watching the other two go to the vet. See, Pierre went in on Wed. and came back with a shaved butt. Gigi went in on Thursday and came back with a shaved belly/butt. On Friday, Collette was being exceptionally sweet and attentive as if to convince us that she really was fine and didn't need her butt shaved at all. :)

That's all the Barnhenge excitement I can think of so far, and I want to go play in the kitchen now.

today's horoscope/ nerves

2006-03-06T11:48:00.000-05:00

"Be a little braver than you normally are today, dear Taurus. Take some risks and show others that you have the strength to accomplish anything. There is a lively, anxious feeling to the day that could make you quite restless. This energy is encouraging you to get up and get going. Initiate something yourself instead of sitting back and waiting for someone else to take the lead. Don't be afraid of failing. You will never succeed if you don't even try."

Hmph. In thirty minutes or so I have to go to work. Immediately after that I leave for class. I'm so excited and nervous and all that good stuff. I've not even had any coffee today, I don't need it. Anyone who knows me, knows how very, very, odd that is. Miraculously, even the cold I've been battling since last week some time has abated.

Whew.

running

2006-03-05T01:23:00.000-05:00

I've been having this dream, sporadically, but over the past few months, maybe almost a year, of running.

Not running to, or from , or away... just running for the pure unadulterated pleasure of it. Running, rather slowly in long loping strides - usually in what I can best describe as cross country style. Sometimes there's a person or two with me, sometimes I'm alone - they're never of any consequence.

I played soccer for years, though after I hit adolescence I stopped. I've never been a "runner". I've envied the lithe, determined, folks that brave all kinds of weather to do it. It's just odd, but satisfying in some ways, that in this dream I can feel so strong and comfortable in my body, when in life I do not. And it's so real, that I almost feel as if I've actually been there. Which is probably the best it'll get since I don't forsee getting this hulking pile of meat moving like that any time soon.

school shopping

2006-03-03T18:56:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it's already March. My classes start on Monday and I'm incredibly nervous. Most folks I know in person don't understand why I'm so nervous, I think they just assume for one reason or another, that I've had some experience in college. I have, in fact, two whole weeks before I dropped everything. (long story) Needless to say, it's been a matter of contention for me, and I try not to advertise the fact that I've got nuthin' more than a high school diploma (albeit 3.5 GPA, honors, and advanced placement creds).

When I complete this course, I can at least feel like I've got some kind of specialized training, and the great thing about the massage therapy field is that I can expand that with continued education into any number of areas I'm interested in. But the best part? School shopping!

The idea of school shopping took me way back... what would I get? I'm such a dork for office and school supply-type items. You know how a lot of middle-aged guys go back and get the car they always wanted when they were younger? Yeah, I was afraid I'd walk away with a whole load of things like a Trapper Keeper with a unicorn on it, Lisa Frank folders and stickers with rainbows and unicorns, pencils that change color with your body heat and unicorns, hollow pencils with the points that come off and get stuck back throught the top and the new point is there with unicorns, Mr. Sketch scented markers, a pencil box with secret compartments and unicorns, extra erasers that smell like grapes, strawberries, or unicorns.... *grin*you get the point.

Several friends convinced me that I was not re-entering middle school, so should probably stick to something more appropriate. So I Doug and I went shopping. I made a pretty decent haul. It was surreal trying to figure out what I would need and actually having to purchase loose leaf paper. We also went clothes shopping. I got two really cool funky skirts for $7 a piece, and a bunch of shirts. Since I'll be going from work to school, I needed some that would be versatile and so got a bunch of 3/4 length sleeve knit shirts.

For supplies I have basic stuff, a Mead Five-Star zipper binder, three-hole punch, some pencils, some pens, some paper.... AND I did manage to wriggle in a few Sponge Bob folders. I also know I have some Garbage Pail Kids and My Little Pony stickers hanging out somewhere, and some cute kitten stickers from E2 to decorate with....

coconut and chai spice and everything nice....

2006-03-03T18:06:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week, as I was getting out the ingrdients to make fish chowder, I spied a can of coconut milk in the cupboard and became bound and determined to use it somehow in making dinner. Suddenly things just had to get a little exotic.

I had a sample packet of Lemongrass and of Ginger from Gourmet Garden which got slathered on the salmon fillet, with crushed coriander, a bit of lemon juice. While that marinated, I scanned Epicurious.com for recipes involving coconut milk and rice rather than just shuffling things together willy-nilly. I really couldn't find anything that a) I had all the ingredients on hand for or b) suited my needs. But I did find some inspiration.

Half the coconut milk I heated a bit with some hot madras curry powder, turmeric, and garlic then set it aside. I made a simple saffron rice for the meal and some sauteed until just limp onions and bell pepper. The fish was simply broiled until flaky. Overall it was pretty good, next time, I think I need to incorporate some fresh lime. I also think tuna steaks over the grill would be better.

Now dessert was another matter. The way I saw it was that I had rice, I had coconut milk, and bananas. I didn't think really I could go wrong. So on a whim I tossed a Celestial Seasonings India Chai Spice teabag into the rice water and let it steep until the water was boiling and I could add the rice. I let that cook, unsalted until it soaked up all of the tea (it smelled wonderfull, let me tell ya), then added 1 cup of coconut milk, 1 1/4 cups milk, 1/3 cup sugar and let it thicken to get all pudding-y. While that was thickening, I tossed a few tablespoons of butter into a med hot skillet, let that melt and added some fresh grated ginger and allspice and a chunk of dark brown sugar. When that had gotten melted and bubbly, I blended it into some slice bananas, tranferred the pudding into a bowl and spread the mixture over the top.

The results were quite tasty -- in the future I'd use more coconut milk, and use the tea bag in milk to boil the rice. However, the chai/rice was so fragrant and soothing while the fresh ginger in the brown sugar perked things up a bit.

Smoked Salmon; a Rondeau

2006-02-28T20:51:00.000-05:00

Let me explain this first: I have a passion for smoked salmon. It doesn't have to be gourmet, it doesn't have to be uber-fresh or organic. I just love it. Unfortunately, it's often very expensive - so in my supermarket journeys, I often linger over the slim packages, and then move on to something more substantial or economical. A recent trip to COSTCO however, allowed me to not only feed my craving, but I think that perhaps I'm tired of it. We aquired an enormous package of fairly decent smoked salmon.

Within a few days I find myself slicing lemons, chopping hardboiled eggs, rinsing capers, and making some lovely cucumber ribbons as well as a mayo based and a cream cheese based spread. My husband, brother, and I enjoyed our light dinner, and I thought it was quite attractive as well.....

The question though, is what to do with the remaining portion that would not get eaten that night? Never, had I ever thought there would be anyway I'd have, (gasp) leftover smoked salmon. I knew there'd be no way to get by on another platter, we had fewer of the ingredients around, and frankly wanted something hot for dinner. I had made chicken a la king for a client that day for dinner, using oysters instead of chicken... the cream sauce turned out nice and lemony. So with that for inspiration, I went about making, well, I have no idea what, but it was tasty and I managed to incorporate nearly every element from the platter.

The onion was sauted in some butter which I then transformed into a cream sauce with the aid of some milk, lemon, an egg yolk, butter, and dill. After that was all thick and simmery, I added the chopped salmon and capers, mixing gently until warm. Served the whole mess with toasted bagel slices (diagonals). It had a lovely smooth texture, punctuated by the capers and firm onion. The healthy dose of lemon cut into the smoke flavour of the salmon and kept if from going bland while the dill blended in well and was not obstrusive.

Now I have a good excuse to get more.... later, much later.

And now I'll leave you with this shot, again from the bathroom window (seriously, I do not spent that much time in the bathroom, it's just got a great view). Check out where the shadows end and the snow begins...

restraint

2006-02-24T18:24:00.000-05:00

In an effort to not post pics of the new stuff, I'll post some random images for perusal. :)

This is a new project of mine -- an old kitchen cupboard purchased out of the basement of one of the coolest vintage stores I've found yet. The owner was going to refinish it herself, but found I like to refinish old stuff and so we bought this "as is". I think I'll do it in slate and green milk paint. Oh, and we got a trunk and a hutch, too. I'll be up to my elbows in sandpaper in a few weeks!
This is the main area of the existing kitchen. I have a slight spice problem, I think. I love the apothecary-style spice bottles.
My very cute husband in Hawaii.
Massive ice fangs hanging outside the bathroom window. I took a real risk sticking my head out to photograph them.

Shhhh. Collette is hiding. We can't see her. Where IS that kitty? ;)

Things with teeth

2006-02-24T17:44:00.000-05:00

... something got another of our chickens, poor thing. I'm not as distraught about this though, because I followed the feathers until there were no more... whatever got her was obviously very hungry. I can deal with that much better than the senseless slaughter of chickens my some neighbors stupid dog. We'll need to get one soon, though, if we want to keep our chickens!

In lighter news, the floors are done being refinished, the difference is absolutely amazing. I love the company that did the job, we have 130 year old pine floors and they made them look wonderful. We're going to slowly start putting together the downstairs this weekend.

Also, the kitchen has been delayed a bit, as the countertops are going to take an extra week to come in. This is making me crazy since I've been working very hard to not post any pics of the progress, I don't want to until it's done. Grrrr. Oh, and the delay is going to mean that the kitchen will not be done until after I start classes, so odds are, Doug is going to be the first person to cook in it *sniff* *sniff*. Hopefully he'll wait for me.

I talked to Mike for a longish time the other day and am working on putting together a care package for him. Part of it included cigarettes, so I stopped into the tobacco store to get some. I'd forgotten how expensive it is to be a regular smoker! It's been almost a year since I quit, which is hard to believe. In that time I can't honestly say I've not smoked at all. I will still smoke the occasional clove cigarette, but because I like the flavour and I can't chainsmoke them or I'll get ill. So it's more like a cigar or something of that ilk.

For someone who if down to their last $5 would buy a pack of cigarettes rather than a meal, I think this is pretty good progress. Now if only I can cut back on the caffeine. (she says as she guzzles the last syrupy dregs of a Full Throttle Engergy Drink)

....

2006-02-22T12:25:00.000-05:00

Gratis E2, for the original E. Please keep her and her family in your positive thoughts.

missing

2006-02-21T10:20:00.000-05:00

Listening to Genesis by VNV Nation and I miss Mike so much I could weep. It's a rare thing to have a friend that inflitrates your soul. We needed each other at the same time. We needed not only the same path, but the shade of each other to get down it.

Somewhere we branched a bit. But that core remained -- I lose certainty as time passes.

We drove nowhere at 2 a.m. and again at 4 a.m. and some days I was miserable at work for lack of sleep. But coffee and long drives cured it all - and music, coffee and long drives and music - and talk, coffee and long drives, and music, and talk - and falling asleep listening to him play piano, and silence, and cigarettes, and silliness - and the rare balm of early spring - watching the sun come up over the hills in some town -we weren't really sure where - creeping through the fog at 2 a.m. and having not seen a headlight for an hour - and the garish, gorgeous, sinister sparkle of Motiva in the bitter winter.

Mike had a knack for orchestrating every drive perfectly, juggling his coffee, cigarette, the steering wheel, and CDs. How often, really, can you make your life have a sountrack? And he's away taking steps to big things. I haven't heard from him in ages. I know he feels our lives are so far apart - me in married grownup land, and he struggling for stability. I suppose we'll catch up eventually, I have at least a 5 year head start.

Loving Mike helped me to at least like myself - I liked me reflected off him, and I think he felt the same. It's a rare love between two genders that remains absolutely platonic - some kind of balm to a raw heart. And right now, with the air still cold but warming slightly - with this mood - with this music - I'd love to break out of here and drive with Mike.

Three ring circus

2006-02-16T10:24:00.000-05:00

Last night we got the callback from the flooring folks around 8 p.m. confirming that they would be here today. Good news.

Except for that whole "have to move the entire downstairs into the upstairs or out", thing. So basically we moved. Fortunately D and I have done a lot of moving and are pretty good at it. The downstairs is nekkid now and every doorway, heater vent, and return is covered in plastic sheeting. Oh and the animals are quarantined upstairs. We'll put them in the attic when they start working with the stains and stuff. Oh and did I mention that there's probably lead paint on the floors? Uh huh, special.

We still have the siding guys here. They have a box truck and about three personal vehicles in the yard/driveway. The house vibrates from the impact of hammers and occasionally there is a strange face in the window. It's really starting to feel like that movie "The Money Pit" here, what with various contractors all over.

The kitchen is still in process, Mark is the main guy working on it. He comes walks in the door in the morning, yells "Good Morning!" up the stairs and starts work around 8 a.m. It'll be weird when he doesn't do that, it's been at least three weeks (non consecutive). Today also, the appliances are being delivered, which means that I've been making sure the vehicles are juggled in our muddysnowyicy driveway so that everyone can get in. The countertop scribe guys just got here, and the electrician just got here and is doing his thing.

Wow. This'll be fun. Send in the clowns!

On Romance

2006-02-15T08:24:00.000-05:00

I think romance is what you make of it. Doug's and my first dinner ever was frozen pizza and tossed salad (to be exact, Rose's frozen pizza, Fresh Express Iceburg salad with carrot slivers, and Lite Done Right Ranch dressing... this memory of mine is scary, huh?) He prepared it for this strange, brazen redhead that had driven 6 hours to meet him.

So we had thought about reservations at The Melting Pot, or some kind of dinner out, but with all the money flying out of our accounts right now, on the house and renovations, I suggested a night in. We even had a romantic little foray into a very deserted Home Depot for ceiling medallions (and I got a WAY cool new cutting board, it's HUGE).

...and I made a little something sweet, too. Strawberry Rhubarb pie. Doug loves rhubarb. I got these strawberries and rhubarb and an Amish stand last summer. They smelled so wonderful that I got surplus, chopped them up and froze them with the intent of making my honey a pie sometime in the winter when a little burst of summer would be welcome. Of course, we were too tired to eat it last night, but I tasted the filling during preparation so I think it'll be good.

In other husband news, Doug has been particularly amused lately by the fact that our digital camera lives in the kitchen. I'll get dinner on the table and if it looks particularly good, I have to do the photo shoot before anyone can eat. So he's decided to photo journal his food preparation responsibilities. Honestly, probably the most import meal of the day.... feeding the kitties.

I think the kibbles look particularly savoury this day.....

And he makes a mean Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich, lemme tell ya.

okay...

2006-02-14T21:21:00.000-05:00

Your Candy Heart Says "Hug Me"

A total sweetheart, you always have a lot of love to give out.Your heart is open to where ever love takes you!
Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a surprise romantic evening that you've planned out
Your flirting style: lots of listening and talking
What turns you off: fighting and conflict
Why you're hot: you're fearless about falling in love

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

2-14-05

2006-02-13T09:30:00.000-05:00

*revised

Caterpillar, I envied your chrysalis
which rainbow-pulsed
wings against membrane.

It wasn't my tragedy.
Frantic phone calls and airfares;
reservations kept. We forced smiles,
guzzled raspberry champagne
and Bio-sphered our world
into pots of coque au vin and Emmenthaler.

It wasn't my tragedy; a new diamond sparkled on my left hand.

Job description of a pillar:
Warm or cool against tear streaked faces as needed,
empathetic, &, strong in appearance.
Mastery of the sad smile
and ability to compartmentalize grief a plus.

It wasn't my heartbreak.

I didn't fight morbid reflection upon
his lips on her cold, rubbery death,
or the turgid burble of air forced into liquid.
I didn't weep at the tiny coffin, for a father's bloody blue eyes.

The New England soil too frozen to accept you,
I wasn’t relieved you’d not be blanketed in ice.
I didn't ponder your youth in a butterfly garden
or slip out to the frigid sluice of winter for respite.

Pillars do no such things.

But, when a new-mother friend disappeared that summer
for and hour, a year, a moment--
I ran from room to room, outside
from acre to acre and screamed and screamed
to keep out the coffins, the mothers dangling,
the dead babies -
and wept when she returned.

Caterpillar, you weren't my tragedy;
but your ashes butterfly my Buddleia
and I will keep you,
keep you safe as I can, now.

2-14-05
Caterpillar, I envied your chrysalis
which rainbow pulsed
wings against membrane.

It wasn't my tradgedy.
Frantic phone calls and airfares,
reservations kept. We forced smiles
and guzzled raspberry champagne-
Bio-sphered our world into
pots of coque au vin and melted cheese.
It wasn't my tragedy, a new diamond sparkled on my left hand.

Job description of a pillar:
warm or cool against tear streaked faces as needed,
tall, strong, good at handling the excelerated
intimacy that occurs with death a plus.

It wasn't my heartbreak, I didn't fight
reflection
of his lips on her cold rubbery death.
I didn't wince at the imagined burble of air forced into liquid.
I didn't weep at the tiny coffin, for a father's bloody blue eyes.
I didn't shelter a bird-girl in my arms,
three pews from accusation.
There are pillars for such things.

The New England soil too frozen to accept you,
I didn't ponder your youth in a butterfly garden or
smoke heavily in the sluice of winter to warm my lungs.

When a new-mother friend disappeard that summer
for and hour, a year, a moment
I didn't run from room to room, outside
from acre to acre and scream and scream
to keep out the coffins, the mothers dangling,
the dead babies -
and weep when she returned.

Caterpillar, you weren't my tradgedy;
but your ashes butterfly my Buddleia
and I will keep you,
keep you safe as I can, now.

Healthy Eating 101 ;)

2006-02-12T21:36:00.000-05:00

Where I grew up in Maryland was right on the cusp of the famous North/South division. Folks around there were really able to pick and choose their stance on things. Basically, and this is a point of some debate, which I'm not going to open, it seems there was a sense of Northern politics and Southern culture - even now.

I was raised with Southern manners, Southern and Foothill cooking, Southern language and the open mind our Yankee neighbors were so proud of. 'Course this could be more my family's doing than my region, but I know a number of folks like me. I think, though, that this culture is more embodied in food than anything else. My husband, prior to moving here had never even really had sweet tea, poor soul, and I recall scrapple being a matter of novelty when I mentioned it at one of his friend's parties up north.

Anyway, I didn't mean to go on a tear about that, it was more to preface my day of snowbound cooking. See Southerners (and yes this is a cliche) do hold by a number of belief's with their food. One is that just about anything can be improved with the addition of pork, and another is that just about any food item, especially a vegetable, can be improved with a deep-frying method of preparation.

Witness exhibit 1-
Country gravy as improved by the addition of browned crumbled breakfast sausage (a.k.a. Sausage Gravy) Served over homemade biscuits and a trusty glass of orange juice on the side. This is one of the things I make best, however I make it rarely due to it's arterial demands. Boy it's good. It's also one of the recipes I just can't share. Not that there's anything secretive about it, only that every addition and time are basically "Until it looks right". I can show someone how to make it, but telling 'em is no good.

Exhibit 2: a late night snack -
pickled cucumbers as improved by deep frying. Also known as deep fried dill pickles. This is commonly served with deep fried catfish and hush puppies. Mmm, hush puppies. Anyway, that's way more popular a little deeper south and towards Texas a bit. I was actually inspired to make these on their own and serve them with ranch dressing dip. That particular version is reminiscent of the Maryland Renaissance Festival.

I've been hankering for a good RenFair since the wedding. I had pickles like these last year, and these are just as good. Now if only I can re-create the Turkey (emu) Legs, chocolate covered frozen cheesecake on a stick, and Scotch Eggs, I'll be good.

In fact, for another health food weekend, I may try to make Scotch Eggs. Hopefully my arteries will hold up.....maybe that experiment can wait a few weeks.

Angel Food

2006-02-12T00:27:00.000-05:00

I've been digging through some cookbooks I have hoarded. I have this thing for old cookbooks. Well, for new ones too, but old ones because our culture is so defined by the food we prepare. I especially love those regional, church, work, or group-type cookbooks where everyone submits some recipes. I have a really great one of those put out by DuPont some years ago and it's loaded with recipes based in many ethnicities since DuPont is so big.

I also have a really interesting cookbook on Japanese cooking from 1954, one on cooking meals for two from 1975, and The Mike Douglas Cookbook from 1969 which features favorite recipes from folks like Richard M. Nixon and Zsa Zsa Gabor. My current favorite, however, is two-book set called Meta Given's Modern Encyclopedia of Cooking, published in 1959. It's absolutely loaded with everything a homemaker at the time would ever need to know about feeding her family - including budgeting, food waste per unit, menus, and my personal favorite how-to chapter - "How to Do Those Little Puzzling Kitchen Jobs" - you know things like 'butter elaboration', 'parboiling', and 'How to Grind Horseradish Without Tormenting the Eyes' (hint: it involves dampening cheesecloth and making like a bank robber in an old Western flick).

Anyway, I'm enjoying this set, and peruse it when I get the chance. There are definately some things in here I may never make, ever - say, Creamed Tuna on Toast Points. But the baking sections are great because Meta Given is out to make this pretty comprehensive. The Why's AND the How's if you will. I've never made Angel Food Cake before so I figured I'd give her recipe a go - especially after comparing it to some others I had on hand which did not elaborate exactly what shape the egg whites were supposed to be in when they were ready.

So, snowed in and hankering to bake, I gave it a shot. I refused to use an electric mixer, for which I'm glad, but sadly, I did not use a correct pan. See, I have this wonderful rose-shaped tube pan from Nordicware, that I figured would be lovely. Really, what it ended up being was my husband and I crowded around the cake pan scooping out perfect, moist, crumblychewycrusted, steaming handfuls of cake and stuffing them into our mouths because it simply would not evacuate the pan, and I knew this, so I gave up even waiting for it to cool.

I even pounced on my brother, who was asleep in his room, woke him up, stuffed a wad of warm cake in his hand and told him to eat it and go back to sleep. I poked my head in the door a bit ago and he was smiling and had crumbs all over his face. Just so you all know, he would have gotten up in an hour and gone digging for a midnight snack, anyway.

So the results as you can see were rather ugly but the cake itself was amazing. I used Softasilk cake flour and the whites of 11 organic eggs.

An excerpt from the text: "Now hold bowl slightly tipped, turn it slowly and beat with a flat wire whip until whites are stiff enough to hold pointed, glossy peaks. Now set bowl flat on table, and add remaining sugar in 6 portions, sifting it over whites, beating about 20 strokes after each portion. Then beat in flavorings with 10 more strokes. Add flour-sugar mixture in 5 portions sifting each portion over whites, and turning bowl slowly, fold in gently but thoroughly with wire whip using 20 complete fold-over strokes after the first 4 portions, then use 40 strokes to blend in the last portion."

Not much room for error, eh? Yes, I actually counted my strokes. Next time I'll use a proper pan. I think I'm going to go stuff another fistfull of cake in my face and refill my coffee.

Today's Horoscope

2006-02-09T12:13:00.000-05:00

from MSN:

"You have always felt the need to create, dear Taurus. The simplest tasks can fulfill this need. You are even happy if you draw on a small piece of paper! Over the last thirty days, you have been finishing off a project close to your heart. Don't be afraid to show it off to your entourage. People will be thrilled by your work, and you deserve to feel proud of what you have achieved."

Today marks the first day that I don't have to get all sloppy and messy and grimey doing work on the kitchen. We put the last coat of paint on the pantry last night. The cabinets are being set up as we speak. Within a week, we'll have appliances and all kinds of goodies.

Hurrah! I guess I may have to post some pics soon, eh?

Hrmmm

2006-02-08T08:58:00.000-05:00

Erin, my "frind", have at this one. How many bad grammar, syntax, and spelling problems can you find? :)

You Are From Venus

You love all forms of beauty. You love dressing up and anything luxurious.
A social butterfly, you're incredibly popular and a great host.
You're known for your fairness and affection. And as a frind to all.
Careful though! You're desire to please may make you too willing to conform.
Be yourself. Focus on what matters to you. You'll be all the more popular for it.

What Planet Are You From?

more progress

2006-02-07T09:52:00.000-05:00

I couldn't type more than a few lines for a few days. 1) because we were verra busy and 2) because the tendons and muscles in my wrists and forearmes were painfully swollen. Apparently doing about 300 square feet of grout will do that to you. I gave up the "hands and knees" approach when I realized I was simply putting too much weight on my support arm. After that point, I started doing wider rows of two tiles and skootched along on my butt.

I had pain in placed I didn't know I had things to hurt. My hands were so bad on Saturday that I was relieved of hammering detail while doing the trim work. The vibrations from the impact were too much. This is quite scary to someone who intends to make a living off their hands. But they're better now and I don't think I'll be encountering anything quite so drastic for a bit. Doug did an amazing job laying the tile out, I think my groutwork is pretty good, too. Today I'm going to clean the haze up off the tile, however we can't seal for three days, and there will be workmen here somewhere in that mess, so I think we'll put off sealing until the cabinets are in.

Oh yeah, and the cabinets are coming this week!!! Devin is nearly done the pantry drywall, in fact it may just need one more sanding, which I can do. We have the bifold door up. Anyone who hear's me pick out an unfinished louvered door and say that I'll paint it or stain it myself has a right to kick me in the head. I finished a ceiling in the time it took to paint that door.

Oh, and the siding guys are here, too. How exciting is that? They'll put on the pretty new siding, shutters, trim, wrap the window out, soffits and fascia this week. Yes, there will be pictures soon.

I can't wait for this kitchen to get done. If anyone needs to drool, here are the specs:

27 square foot rectangular pantry with 8 foot to 8 3/4 foot ceiling
the body of the kitchen is roughly 250 square feet - 19' x 13'
5 burner Dacor gas range with a simmer and a sear burner as well as griddle and grill attachments
no double oven, have a gas oven and built in convection microwave above it
granite composite countertops
really purty Itallian tile, rustic looking, sturdy. I dropped a hammer headfirst on it and it didn't even chip
lots of custom cabinets
a big ol' island
AND Doug is letting me put up a Moravian Star light fixture in the entryway!

There's a good bit more detail, but it would make more sense for me to share photos when it's done. I can't believe how much the room has changed. Even though we are outsourcing a lot, knowing that Doug and myself and some friends and family that are very generous with their time and energy have pitched in to do a lot of the work really makes it so much more wonderful.

Well, off to paint and clean some more.

Dance, magic dance....

2006-02-07T09:42:00.000-05:00

What is it about men in makeup? I just got an awesome package in the mail from E2. I have the movie but not the soundtrack. How many times have I lusted over the soundtrack and then put it back on the shelf? Too many to count. Thank ye! I'm gonna go dance around like a complete lunatic now.

progress

2006-01-31T01:17:00.000-05:00

the only places I don't have paint, are those that are covered by clothing - and I think some of those may be suspect. :)

We have two weeks to finish the kitchen. All life beyond that goal, is secondary - well, most, anyway. I'm still going to work.

This weekend, the in-laws stopped in on their way to Florida and were amazingly tolerant to the copious amounts of drywall dust and cat-in-heat yowling. Fortunately Devin was handling most of the work on Saturday so we were able to show Doug's parents around the place. Couple that with gorgeous weather and it made for a busy but pleasant day. Sunday afternoon they headed out after I fixed "brunch" (read, I didn't get going until about 10 a.m. to start cooking) and I was able to start the messy business of primer-ing.

I think I have a permanant crick in my neck from painting our vaulted ceiling which goes from 9 feet to I think 12 or more. I've lost track. Doug went to Home Depot to get our paint colors (he picked out the pantry color all by himself! *grin*) and I got to work painting. This morning, Devin got up and did some more sanding (the pantry area is still being spackled), then I got up and did some more sanding -- and in that time period, the siding guys showed up and started putting up the silver insulation stuff AND the Terminix guy showed up and did his thing. I'm still floored as to how 20 minutes worth of work can cost that much, but we're over a barrell on the whole termite thing. We probably got no active infestation, but the previous owner lost his paperwork to prove treatment.... and I did most of the second round of primer this morning after sanding some.

Then I went to work. Went to Home Depot for some more paint trays. Came home and finished the second layer of primer, painted the ceiling with ceiling paint, and painted under the bulkheads with my accent color. Sanded some more, and hung out with Devin some. Poor guy, he comes to live with Doug and I and he's worked his butt off every day.

Tomorrow, I get up early, paint the second coat on the ceiling, second coat on the bulkhead. And maybe practice my faux techinique in a few inconspicous places, maybe do the stain on the bifold. Then go to work, come back, tape it proper and do the color layer.

We have high hopes to start tile on Wednesday.

Pass the coffee, please.

little bird analogy

2006-01-30T08:08:00.000-05:00

Our chicken coop is more than just the house the chickens live in. It's a big fenced in cage with a fence roof, to protect the chickens. Right now there's a little bird stuck in the chicken coop and it keeps fluttering against the fencing - absolutely certain that this time it will get out. It must've gotten in yesterday and we missed it when locking the girls up for the night. It's pretty common for us now.

I go in and corner the bird then fail to catch it several times since I'm so afraid my big clumsy hands will hurt it. Once, one even stunned itself flying into the posts. Finally I get it cupped gently in my hands, head poked out between my thumbs. It's little heart beating, beating. I'll hold it for just a few moments too long, savoring the feeling of it's feathers, the rarity of holding a wild bird, then I'll open my hands and it will fly off.

But now a little bird is in the coop, and I haven't gone to save it yet. There are about 10 other little birds with it. Outside the coop. Watching, I see the trapped bird on one side of the fence on the ground. Then the other little birds land near it. Since they are altogether, they think they can fly off. So they all take off together -- only one is stopped by the fence. So they all return and do it again. And again. They don't understand the fencing. Certain that they see their companion is right with them, they expect it to be able to go with them. They can't fathom what is holding it back.

Eventually I'll go free the little bird. What I really can't help thinking though, is how this applies to people. Those we love, or ourselves. How often have we been the little bird, unable to break past a certain point to the confusion of our companions? How often have we been the companions, growing more and more exhausted with each attempt to not leave the other behind? And what has been the big unknown catalyst?

I never wrote you a love poem

2006-01-29T22:10:00.000-05:00

I dreamt last night that I was really trying to make ammends - trying so hard to make nice to his wife, so that we could talk openly again. When you suck the poison from the snakebite, all of the bloodvenom cocktail doesn't make it to the floor. Sometimes, whether you like it or not, a person becomes part of you so thoroughly that getting rid of them is amputation. Or more, like those people that when in utero, were twins, until one absorbed the other. Now they're having teeth removed from their shoulder. I wonder sometimes, who is the tooth.

He was always the strong one, or so I thought. It seems now, that I did an awful lot of listening. An awful lot of following as well. Perhaps I was more pliant than strong. Perhaps he saw that as a weakness.

Looking back, I remember trying to be so tough, so strong, so forgiving, so compliant. I think, over 5 years we said "I love you" about as many times. He just didn't say those things, so I didn't either. And whenever he left I never told him. I questioned, I listened, I rationalized, we talked and talked and talked -- but I never said that he should stay because I loved him. Perhaps he needed to hear it as much as he couldn't say it. Perhaps not. Perhaps I couldn't let it shatter my own guy's girl visage.

I may never know. Nor may he. But in being part of my brother's recovery, I'm reminded of him in some ways, when he was recovering (if you could call it that) from the drugs and the alcohol. I know now, what to look for - how it works, the nastiness that goes along with it, the regret that you haven't let yourself regret yet, the fucked up things you did to people you love. So fortunately, I now have a greater understanding of my brother's situation, and also some retrospective clarity.

I know that, had we stayed together we'd have both been miserable -- it took me a long time to accept that. It's hard to accept that I only speak to him every few months, while he's at work. I refuse to call him anymore. He won't call me but talked for ages when I did.

My mother said the hardest part of divorce and estragement was losing the witness to your life. Having been almost exclusively his (hermits that we were) sometimes, I miss having that witness. Having someone who really knew me then and can testify to how far I've come. I regret having not made him hear "I love you". I don't know his current situation -- but for some reason, my heart tells me, and my dreams tell me -- that even though I don't feel that way now, that he needs to hear it - needs to know how much he meant to me at that time. Or maybe I need him to know.

From what I can tell, he's become a much more decent person. Maybe having never said anyting but poured in all the good I good, and sucked out as much of the bad that I could made a difference. But maybe also it destroyed any chance of pursuing the friendship we had.

I think it narrows down to guilt. I know too much, I've seen too much, I've heard too much, and he know's he's hurt me too much in the past. I think that it's very hard to be who you are now when around the ones that saw you, and loved you, at your lowest.

Sometimes, though, I miss my friend.

addicted

2006-01-27T23:29:00.000-05:00

http://www.queenofwands.net/d/20040310.html

this is saving my place where I stopped after compulsively reading archives for the past several hours.

don't you dare start here. start in the beginning. go now. read.

Five weird things meme -

2006-01-27T08:13:00.000-05:00

1. When driving in the winter I like to keep my driver's side window open no matter how cold it is. Of course, I hate being cold, so to combat that, I also keep the heat cranked way up.

2. Fat Cat guards the coffee. I have not idea when this became "a thing" but now every time I, or anyone else uses the coffee, Fat Cat must be placed back on top of the canister where he belongs.

3. I can roll my tongue into thirds.

4. The "Worst Case Scenario" book was written for me. I'm sure of it. It seems like no matter what is going on, at some point my brain automatically shuffles and analyzes anything that could possibly go wrong and how I would address it. Now this is not too much of a curse, because in an emergency of any kind, I'm the calm one - but still it seems like to much worrying to me. Of course sometimes I go off the deep end and end up with super powers or beating the crap out of someone or something utterly unrealistic. Perhaps that just makes me feel like I'm in control, huh?

5. Until I was 17 or so, I said good night to my stuffed animals every night. "The Velveteen Rabbit" had a huge impact on me. I mean, who's to say they weren't "real"? Just making sure.

New Chicken

2006-01-26T17:53:00.000-05:00

Sunday, as we were finishing up our long day of drywalling, Raven's mom showed up with a chicken. A new chicken, in fact, for our little group. She has a friend up in New Hampshire where she lives who is happy to have a home for some of them, so whenever she comes down this way she catches as many as she can, pops them in a cat carrier, and carts them on down here.

The new girl even showed up with an egg! She's less sedate than the others, and is still getting used to them and us. I don't think she was well received, initially by the others. So at one point on the first day, I found her down by the creek, many, many, yards -- almost half an acre from the other chickens. So I chased her up towards the coop and only successfully ended up chasing her up and down the creek, in the mud, and into the briars before I realized I was nearly late for work.

At least when I go home she was in with the others. She'll work out okay, though, I think that the Collette-chicken is jealous since the rooster's been paying attention to the new girl. The Colonel doesn't pay much attention to the two Wyandottes, though. Maybe he's only into white chicks. Racist barstard.

"What do you mean by 'She's kinda cute.'"?

"Uppity hussy! *peck* Don't you dare *peck* think you can lay a *peck* feather on my man!*peck peck peck*"

"Help! Help! The pouffy one's gonna kill me!"

So I decided to escape to the back of the property for a little respite from all the drama in the coop.

hrm

2006-01-25T21:58:00.000-05:00

I am worth $1,530,780 on HumanForSale.com

Empanadas, Sushi, and the darn cat

2006-01-25T12:13:00.000-05:00

Our Russian Blue kitty, Gigi, decided on Sunday that she needed a new friend. REALLLY needed a new friend. As in boyfriend.

Half the night and half the day, she wails loudly to see if her new friend is anywhere around. When she's not wandering around the house wailing, she's eyeballing me, Doug, or my brother to see if we could help her. (ick)

I hate cats in heat. Gigi just looks so confused and miserable -- and there is no where in this house for us to put her where we couldn't hear her. I hope it's done soon. She sounds creepily like a crying baby when she's downstairs, and at 2 a.m. that's just disconcerting.

She is SO getting spayed.

....in other news. Doug suggested that I sign up for this course, so I took him up on it. I'm excited. I get to learn to make sushi! What's even cooler is that I have a whole new pile sushi making accessories to try out once I learn. Yum.

Oh and to make up for the haggis post:

You may drool now. I filled these yummy pastries with ground turkey, chilis and spices. The beans and rice turned out awesome too, with chili, onion, beans, saffron and some other goodies.

These I filled with guava paste and cream cheese then sprinkled them with a touch of confectioners sugar. I didn't get a photo the insides as they went too fast! Very tasty and relatively quick. The pastries come as premade discs which makes them very handy. I may try a miniature version one day and see how that goes.

Sick and Wrong = DEV2.0

2006-01-24T17:50:00.000-05:00

Apparently someone, somewhere, felt that this was neccessary.

http://disney.go.com/disneyrecords/Song-Albums/devo20/

a haggis? a haggis!

2006-01-24T00:17:00.000-05:00

Ach! I found online grocer that will ship a haggis! Yay! Now I have to save my pennies to get one... unless I start a Laura Haggis Fund :) They also have canned haggis, of which I read decent reviews, enough to get my fix, anyway.

See, I only ever get haggis once a year at the Fairhill Highland Gathering. I have dreams about it - hot and steamy, bursting out from the slit in the skin, doused in good whiskey and served aboard oaten cakes.

*drool*

Okay, you can stop gagging now.

the details

2006-01-19T22:04:00.000-05:00

Well, I go from being in the depths of depression one week, to too busy to think the next. I am keeping in mind I need progress on that end. However, it has been busy!

Aside from having contractors in and out, I went for a job interview last week and got the job. This woman had stopped to talk to me when I was taking Mom to the hospital, and it took a bit for me to call her and set up the interview. So I went, and we spent perhaps 2 1/2 hours just talking . My new boss is a very interesting woman -- we even got to discussing music, which I haven't spoken about to any serious extent to anyone in a very long time. As in music theory - not popular music. She's encouraging me to go with her to Sweet Adelines on Mondays. I told her I can't sing, but she doesn't believe me. Well, I CAN sing, but not well, and haven't had anyone to coach me to let me know when I'm doing right and wrong. I did sing in chorus in high school, did some on-stage musical stuff (i.e. a Broadway Review), and did some and did some sight singing for my college Music Department entrance exams. But I don't have much confidence in my ability. My boss said that the ability to read music, and knowing some theory and having a strong voice is all I need, and that they will actually teach me the rest!

I'm rather excited at the prospect. God knows I've missed being around music, and performing on stage, and well, it's tantalizing. I really don't have anywhere to play my clarinet around here, and I'm pretty rusty. Plus, most the outfits around here, well, they play a lot of patriotic, Sousa marches and stuff. Nothing against them, but I'm not sure where to go that has a broader repetoir. The only drawback is that practice is on Monday nights and I will be having classes on those nights.

Oh, did I say classes? Tuesday I have my interview with the Academy of Massage and Bodywork. I'm in. I officially start to earn my LMT (liscensed massage therapist) on Monday, March 6 and classes continue until January 2007. I've wanted to do this for so very long, I can't wait to start. I get to keep my table and books, and it's a 550 hour course that covers so much more than basic massage.

I figure that I'll make a practice or two at Sweet Adelines as a guest, and see if they want me, or I want to join, and that will be my payoff for completing school.

Hrm. What else? Oh, Saturday Doug and I took Mom, wheelchair and all to the Hippodrome in Baltimore to see the 25th Anniversary tour of CATS... which was very good, and it went very well. Mom had a great seat, since she was in a wheel chair with a broken ankle, we had to change our seats, and she got a nifty ramp to park on, almost a whole head above everyone else! It was freezing cold when we left, and I don't do dense crowds well, so I offered to go down the steps to the parking garage and get the car. Little did I realize that there was a difference in the garage between level 6N and 6S. So I tracked down the car, and then couldn't get out because everyone was all jammed up trying to get out. I figured Mom would be getting cold, so I told Doug he might as well bring her down. It was like playing Shutes n' Ladders to get us matched up. Cold. Cars. and Doug zipping Mom up and down inclines between cars... quickly... trying to find me while playing Marco Polo on the cell phone.

Well, nothing's perfect, right? So we get back after the play around 3 a.m. (we had to stop at a diner on the way home, of course) and find out that we have no power. Had not, in fact had any power since that evening. Had not, of course, any indication of when we would be getting said power back. The wind storms were wicked fierce and we live in the sticks. So we get through Sunday with no power until around 6 p.m. I will never EVER get rid of our woodstove. Ever. I even cooked on it!

I also started work on Monday. I wasn't quite ready for it, but wasn't going to complain. So I work for a company that handles in-home care, or companionship. Nothing medical, more like cleaning, errands, etc for folks that needed. Many clients are elderly but we also work with people who are recovering from surgery, new moms, and so forth.

My client is a very interesting 93 year old woman, Mrs. F-. She's done more in her retirement than I think I'll ever do in my life. Well educated, well traveled -- knowledgeable in art, music, gourmet cooking, etc. We've actually spent a good bit of time chatting -- she's a bit stuffy in some ways, but has a right to be I think. I'm not sure how much I like the job, but it's a job, and can be interesting. She doesn't have a ton of stuff for me to do -- I prefer to stay busy -- but hopefully that will change as she gets used to having someone around. Right now, the hours are regular, which is better than most people in this business have -- I work noon to 4 p.m. everyday. Unfortunately, those are also my peak production hours. I suppose I'll have to work on being more of a morning person. The good thing is that with this job there is a lot of flexibility and that bodes well for me and going to school, the work is right up my alley in dealing with people, and the pay isn't bad.

Okay, I think that may be it for now.

Freezing cold, no heat, no electricity, no running water and this girl will still whip up a meal of a slab o' meat, scrambled eggs, and hot cocoa. Yum. Those, by the way are some country pork ribs on the smallish side, that I thought were chops when I bought them. Verra, verra tasty.

changes

2006-01-18T11:45:00.000-05:00

I am now:

1. employed

2. a student

More later on both. :)

Culture, in Delaware?

2006-01-12T19:50:00.000-05:00

Having grown up in the MD/DE line area, it always amazes me when I hear about intellectual and cultural events that don't involve: 1) NASCAR 2) Sports 3) cow-pies 4) tractors 5)booze,bars, frat parties, etc. Not that I have a problem with any of those things, just that this region has a certain stigma for those of us that were born and raised here, even if there is less and less of a foundation for it.

But, things change - I REALLY want to go to this!

if I had a hammer....

2006-01-12T13:26:00.000-05:00

Today, and every day since the middle of last week there has been the sound of construction coming from the downstairs of my house. The squeal of a table saw, the reverberations of hammering. I'm so excited to see progress on the new kitchen. This weekend, after the contractors leave, Doug and I will begin the process of doing the tile, drywall, painting and trim. Then the contractors come back and finish the job.

Fortunately we're working with a great company that is allowing us to do some of the work ourselves in order to save some money. With all the spending going on now, it's hard to see the money saved, but I know it's there. For example the billing on drywall was 3500 for material, and 3500 for labor. We've spent just over 500 on material, and will be doing the labor ourselves.

It's interesting having contractors in the house, seeing the same guys every day. You almost miss them when they're gone. Most of them have been really cool. Joe, the plumber, Mark the carpenter, and Ryan the heating guy have each spent a week here. Nice guys, all of them.

Last night I made Sauerkraut Soup from a recipe I saw over at nami-nami a few months ago. I've made it many times since I saw the recipe and have tweaked it to suite my tastes a bit - but not much. Oh my goodness it is good. I can't explain it right now, but I'll try to later. It's the kind of food I feel like I still have room for in my belly even though I'm absolutely full because it is just so tasty.

*drool*

I'll post pics later. But the cool thing was that I heated up the pot today and fed Mark and Joe and myself a lunch of hot soup and sour rye bread n' butter. I know, I know -- it's the feeding people thing, I just can't help it.

The other night I made fresh dumplings to go in the left over chicken and dumplings so that Doug could take some into work to share with his co-worker. They've been doing water testing all week, so they're out in the chill. It was important to do that - important to know, I suppose, that I was able to send a warm spot over into someone's day. Home cooking does that - perhaps is that all the love and reverent handling of the ingredients gets tranferred -- and food is more of the medium, carries it like water crackers do good cheese. I don't think this is true of all food, a lot of the time it's about the nuance and taste and so forth -- but homecooking-style food doesn't just feed the stomach, it really does warm the soul.

share my eyes

2006-01-10T09:43:00.000-05:00

This omlette is a good reason to have chickens. I have never purchased eggs from a store that turn out this color. No turmeric or coloring added, in fact, I diluted it a bit with milk. The taste and texture are fantastic, savoury and firm. I'm so excited, the chickens started laying again about two weeks ago!

This dresser was originally light blue and covered with 20 years of built up grime (the stuff that does not wipe away with Windex). I've had it since I was at least 5. A day of sanding, priming, painting, more sanding and some drilling. New color, new hardware, and new "old" look. I distressed the edges and grooves by hand to show the original wood and the original color. I did the top in cream colored enamel. Very theraputic.

Christmas Eve Eve with my brothers their wimin. They descended on Friday the 23th and our house was full and noisy. I made several gallons of Irish stew - served with salad and good bread. If you think this is a full house, consider that Devin and his girlfriend couldn't make it. :)

Goodnight Barnhenge. The view from the workshop last night. My hands aren't steady enough to take good high-res, low-light photos, BUT the new windows open from the top down as well as top - up and provided me with a handy ledge to get this shot.

Blue in the Shade. I love the way the snow turns blue in the shadows. This plant is a myriad of tiny dried bells, each one coated individually in ice.

I never notice them in the summer, however in the autumn they dry - at which point they are very striking. A cluster of them in hand makes for delicate maraca-like rattling, and bundled in some raffia, they fill a vase nicely.

Barnhenge on Ice.

If you look carefully you can see my car, Skippy, where she was stuck for 4 days until I called a tow truck to pull her out. :)

Happy Birthday Mike!

2006-01-09T15:36:00.000-05:00

...another year older and already had learned the secret to staying awake on Christmas Eve (unlike Raven in the background). Coffee!!!

A life in thirds

2006-01-06T14:43:00.000-05:00

After the implosion what relic will remain, skimming the event horizon?

That line has been stuck in my head. I haven't found a use for it yet, but it about sums things up. Spending a lot of time with myself has made me a very introverted person. Perhaps, I was that way all along? Perhaps all of the to-do's, to-see's, to-make's were more of a distraction than anything.

Last week, I hit my lowest low since the last one. The kind of low that is imobilizing. Too low to cry, too low even for self-pity. Simply low. Oddly, when this strikes, some part of me is always distant, non-emotive and hanging out on the outside looking in. This is also the part of me that never let me have a good "blackout" when drunk, so that in the morning, I'd always be aware of exactly what an ass I'd made of myself the night before. This part of me is very good at chiding after the fact, though no amount of squawking seems to help during whatever is going on...

What makes this different, from the usual? I have no scapegoat to blame it on. I suspect it's been this way for years, only I've always been able to pass the blame -- I'm depressed because of this or that, or because I'm stressed about this or that, or this person or that person or I'm incredibly busy at work, or generally unhappy or whatever. This time, however, life is good. Life is very good in fact. But the bottom line is, I'm not enjoying it. Even now, having come up from the depths of last week, the following manic cleaning and running about and anger, and the beginnings of slipping starting up again.

But the outside part of me says to just get up off my ass and do something. Or points out how many folks have it so much worse, and THEY at least have focus to complete any one task given to them. Or that when I'm older I'm going to hate myself for frittering time away during my youth, or... well, all those arguments.

And when I'm up I just find myself consuming things -- wanting, needing, etc. As if I'm trying to fill some void - jealous of the lives others are leading that I couldshouldoughtta be living in some way. It won't fill. I feel like some black hole that just keeps sucking everything up and not spitting anything back out again.

In comparison, right now, at this exact moment, I don't feel much of anything. I go through the motions, but nothing is real, I'm drained. I have no focus, no patience, no stamina. I'm constantly overwhelmed when I shouldn't be. I have loved ones that need me, and I find it difficult to be there for them. Friends that are going through loss and heartache and God knows what else, and I'm so wrapped up, stagnated, immobile that I can't respond. I've become socially awkward, shy, linguistically stale, and sloppy.

Normally I wouldn't write this, but I need to. What I need to do is solve the problem. Right now is a moment of clarity that I need to document -- so that I can come back to it. Right now where I can remember what it felt like to sit hunched over a keyboard playing mindless games for hours, or stare blankly at the wall, or wander room to room listing the things that need to be done and not starting. It's not right, and there's nothing environmental to blame it on this time.

Quitting my job, I think let to this. Not the quitting per se, but ridding myself of the most consistant distraction. To be honest, I thought this might happen but I hoped not. I thought this would give me some time to sort myself out. What it did was allow me to see that there really is something here, beyond my skill, that needs to be addressed.

And right now, while I'm not mired in it. I need to address it. I always thought of depression as a problem that other people had, and understood that they couldn't neccessarily help it. I always figured my problems were fleeting, or environmental, or even seasonal. I even figured that okay, that seasonal depression might be a problem for me. But, looking back over some old posts, some old journals kept years ago I see that this has been a trend for years and I've just been very good at rationalizing it, or holding it off, or blaming it away.

I never thought it would apply to me. But really I think it does. What it feels like is that I have no control over it -- like a lingering cold, after awhile, you forget what it feels like to breath without coughing, and then gradually, it gets better and you forget what it feels like to always be coughing. Intellectually you understand it, but cannot recall what it really feels like, only that it was unpleasant. Like I said before, I stand outside myself and watch, and can't do anything about it until it's passed.

Having been witness to the end of so many lives recently - I don't want to alternately fritter away what I have and spend the rest of it in vice. It's a life in thirds - down, up, and myself. I know I like myself when I'm here. I just need to find away to get me here and keep me here.

So I'm going to start researching solutions. Perhaps therapy is neccessary, I don't know. But from what I know, and what I feel, is that this is a disease or illness - if I had bad psoriasis, I would treat it, or pneumonia, or even acne. I think my mind deserves the same.

A Mouth Without a Belly

2006-01-06T13:56:00.000-05:00

At what point does the snake gag
mouth-full of self and the shit of it's self?

I would eat the snake, I would stretch
my lips to spliting if
it would fill this hollow-ness.
I would relish in the flesh bulged
over the belt belly of satiation
when "more" becomes "enough".

Right now, snakeless, my crispy edges
curl in, are nibbled
by teeth that have methodically chewed
a peanut butter sandwich
and every platter shuttled
in by Life's liveried waitstaff.

Satisfaction, that elusive harpy
drops mouldy feathers at my feet.
They taste of loathing.
In moments of quiet starvation
I shall nibble my edges.

2005-12-22T15:07:00.000-05:00

Merry Jingley Everybody!

Things here have been so insane I don't know where to start... but I suppose, where I left off is the best place.

So I was supposed to start work at Amazon on Sunday, the 11th. On the 9th around 10:30 my mother called. She'd fallen on the ice. Doug and I spent the evening in the ER, well, me in the ER and Doug running back and forth. I didn't sleep that night and spent the weekend at Mom's. Needless to say, I didn't start the job. Mom lives by herself so she needs people to stop by to help with basic stuff. Not to mention Christmas on it's way...

But between David and Christina, Doug and I, and Mom's friend Betty Lynn (the same one that busted rear to decorate for the wedding) the house was just finished up and decorated and pretty when DJ and his girlfriend and girlfriend's sister showed up from their 15 hour drive from Wisconsin.

When you think of someone with a broken leg, the image is of the individual inconvenienced, but not out of commission. That, I think is the hardest thing to get across to two of my brothers, and various others. The crutches just weren't working for mom. She's in a wheel chair when she does get around. She couldn't use a regular cast due to cirulatory problems and her leg swells when it's down for too long. She's basically confined to the couch when we can keep her there, and is pretty uncomfortable.

So it's been rough, and I've been sick and depressed to boot. More than usual, but getting better now. I had my teeth cleaned at the dentist yesterday. I'll be honest, it's been over a decade since they've been done. I can't believe the difference. I will never not floss again.

The kitchen work is starting up now-ish. The plumber is downstairs handling that stuff, the electrician and framers will be in next week, then Doug and I start tile and drywall. We're still waiting on siding. If we dont' get siding soon, I think he's going to freak, our electric/heating bill was outlandish last month.

More later, just wanted to blow the cobwebs out o' here. I'll share one more story...

Many of our Christmas cards this year were sent out with a return addy of "Barnhenge" and our address -- because Barnhenge is the name of the property. Well aparently, this confused some folks. Just today we got a Christmas card in the mail for "Mr. and Mrs. Doug Barnhenge" from one of my cousins.. (well, his wife).... in total seriousness. She was even at the wedding!

*sigh* I don't have the heart to tell her but I'm still giggling. We even signed the card we sent with our last name. I suppose we'll have to get all pretentious and do the returns as "The S_____'s at Barnhenge" like some snooty golf course or something..... :)

unbearable cuteness....

2005-12-06T11:36:00.000-05:00

We went to visit some puppies on Sunday. Chesapeake Bay Retrieve/ Labrador mixes. 10 of them. I went all googly. Especially when this one fell alseep in my arms. She was just so comfortable there, I didn't want to put her down to leave!

My friend, Mike, too, went a little googly. (I'm not sure who's cuter in this picture, Mike or the puppy). He is going to kill me for using him and "cute" in the same sentence.

************

In other news, I start my first round of training at Amazon today. It's just temp work,until the end of January or so (if I make it). Hours are 7:30 p.m. to 6 a.m. Monday - Thurs. Its expected that I will be walking 12-15 miles per day.

So, it's actually a challenge, now, to see if I can do it.

More later. Just wanted to share some cheesy cuteness.

J-O-B

2005-12-03T10:53:00.000-05:00

jobbity jobbity job

I'm waiting for Raven to get here, we're going to go apply at an open house for Amazon's distribution center.

I can either work 7:30a to 6p or in reverse or something like that. I hafta check. regardless, I'll opt to work the overnight.

so much for christmas, I'll never even see the damned tree.

see, at this point, I was supposed to have most the contracting work rolling and be able to work something part time and then find or go full time until classes start in March then go back to part time.

but that's not happening. so the contractors will be starting the slow slow process here in about a week, and I should be working (I've been told) so, the only way for me to still be here when contractors are here is to work overnights. Well that or find something that's like 4p to 9p or. But really, the distance I'd have to travel for that kind of job, in no way justifies the pay that would come with it. And besides, I still wouldn't be seeing my husband working that shift so I'd rather work a later one and make more money. -- and traffic would be better, to boot.

*blargh*

this'll probably only be during the christmas season unless they want to keep me on. so -- so much for enjoying the season. And I'm sure it'll be great fun to come home from working on my feet all day and start laying tile.... of course, if I get the job, with those hours, that'll be the only thing getting laid, I'm sure.

inspired by Pumpkin Spice CoffeeMate

2005-11-30T00:45:00.000-05:00

Dinner was a success.

For me, Thanksgiving, has never really been about the turkey. Or for most of my family. This year, we just fixed a turkey breast and lots of fixin's. I ran across Emeril's Cranberry Glazed Turkey Breast, and Cranberry Compote. The turkey turned out well, it was the first time I've brined the bird, the glaze was tasty too - though I scorched it a bit and ended up just serving it carved on a platter. Nice effect though, with the glaze drizzled over the white meat.

I WILL be making another batch of compote, it was amazing. Canned cranberry just won't do it for me, now.

Mom fixed yams and apples (slow cooked in enamel clad cast iron pot for ages... yum). I made Brussels sprouts with bleu cheese, green bean cassarole, baby peas (from can), stuffing (from scratch), spaghetti squash, collard greens, pumkin pie and pecan pie. Maybe some other stuff, I don't remember now.

We did have a potato fiasco. I got sidetracked -- okay I'll say it here, walking Daryl through mixing the green bean cassarole took way longer than just doing it myself (but he now knows how to make it!) so the potatoes, after having overcooked some, then sat and cooled off too much. The effect was similar to Elmers Paste ( in the jar, with the little stick-lid). So we had to throw them out. I couldn't serve them. Of course it was 3:30 p.m. and poor Daryl did run out to try to find any place that might have potatoes -- no dice. But....we didn't even miss them.

Nothing too fancy, but colorful and tasty. Doug and I went to Mom's the day of -- I started cooking and he started cleaning. I think Mom was thrilled-- she came in from work at the group home, with two of the clients and got to be all dressed up and the table was set nicely (we broke out the good dishes) and so -- a success. All the brothers in the area made it, including Devin -- Mom even got to schnooze a bit.

Now to work on Christmas, eh? While I'm not a marathon baker (nudge, grin) I do enjoy the baking part. I haven't made my Lebkuchen in a few years, I'm really hopeing to get it done this year, as well as some good shortbreads, Harlequin cookies, and I'm hoping to try my hand at springerle. AND I've stumbled onto some intriguing pie recipes. One is for a whipped pumpkin pie with a spice cookie crust, another is an apple pie with a cheddar cheese crust.

On top of THAT, I'm drooling over a ginger chocolate Bundt cake with Bourbon sauce and I'd really like to try to make a pudding -- either persimmon or plum (okay, I'll admit it, I'm just looking forward to the flambe part) And the living room painting project should be done this week, which means we can decorate. We have a perfect place for the tree. Here's what we have of the paint job so far, before, primer, and after.

the tinted primer was rather pretty, only it made me think we needed cabbage roses and plastic on the couch. I've seen this color done well, it's just not my style. :)

this, however,is more my style. doug really likes it too, he was a bit concerned over the color choice at first, but it makes the room a bit cozier, without making it feel small and dark. It's a rather large and tall room so a bold color really does help make it less intimidating. The floor is in rough shap, after the painting's done, it's next on the list, only I'm looking for someone to handle the sanding as well as assessing and replacing some of the wood. It's just too far above my skill level -- namely because our old floors are pretty uneven and that would require use of a drum sander, which is quite a beast.

plucking my eyebrows in the reflection of day-old coffee

2005-11-30T00:35:00.000-05:00

today: coffee cold and heavy on the creamer

rain beats hard on the roof over the bathroom, except when the wind gusts so fiercely that the drops are

swept

away before landing somewhere other than where they planned

a late night, an early morning, day spent more contemplating the nap than aquiring it due to

phone calls about a brother i hate addiction

i sit on the closed toilet to better hear the rain and reread the New Yorker while the cat makes love to my ankles

and if the phone rings, I won't answer

it's rude to answer when you're in the bathroom

looking up

2005-11-24T10:16:00.000-05:00

Things are improving. I was up until almost 2 a.m. cooking, and getting ready to start back up again. Yay. We had our first snow last night (highly unusual, this early for this area) - it made me all giggly - I also thought I'd share a happy thought of mine or a few of them -- the ones that have pictures, anyway. Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate!

I know, you all are dreaming about turkey, but me? This is my food happy place. Endless sushi..... *sigh* They don't have these around here. In the five days we were in Hawaii I badgered Lexi to take us twice.

mmm. eel.

...and Spam sushi. Only in Hawaii. They had hotdog sushi for the kids, but this was waaaay funnier. (I know "sushi" is a very general term)

Our Coffemate inspired wall color choices. We're going for the middle one, and using the bottom for an accent color. See, I found this coffee creamer called "pumkin spice".....

Some folks worry about letting the cat out of the bag. We've left this thing lying on our living room floor for a few weeks because Gigi enjoys it so much.

My brother's kitten, Punkin, in a stock pot. He was enjoying himself, I think.

Snow!

Barnhenge in the snow. What's really cool is the disco effect that happens when you take a picture of the snow. It's all melted now, but fun while it lasted.

2005-11-21T17:54:00.000-05:00

lonely

Can you feel the way the word fills your mouth, how the cadence of it forces the jaw to flap like a fish gasping outside the bowl? Feel the way the "ohhh" rings hollow as a dead winter wind in the eaves and the "lee" keens in mourning?

lonely
lohhhnnleeee

It seems I will forever be the 10 year old hoping to be liked by allowing the other kids to copy her homework. I'm tired. This started when I thought of planning a party the weekend before Christmas, a gift-wrapping party. I thought it would be fun. Then I didn't know who to invite. Then I didn't know who would actually come. It would be nice. I throw a great party... Doug being around only makes it better.

Perhaps it is that I don't feel I have much to offer. I hear my mother's voice coming out of my mouth... "Why don't you stop by I have good coffee/chicken and dumplings/pie/expensive treats/exotic entrees?"

.... granted, I love to share, I love to feed people. But I'm starving for friendship. It seems that folks keep slipping away and I can't even reel them in with a good free dinner. It also seems that I am perpetually closer to my friends than they are to me. Or they've moved away-- I have so many people all over this country that I can't even have a cuppa coffee with.

Some of the people I'd like to see the most, I've never or rarely ever seen -- or they live a long way away and that's how it goes. I miss girlfriends. I miss talking. I miss listening. I miss just stopping by. I miss having someone to shop with, or to notice my new shoes. I miss being silly, I miss being comfortable enough not to judge myself against others. My two closest local friends are both very busy with their own stuff and in one case, I think, doesn't feel nearly as close to me as I do her. She's got other, way cooler friends, and really, what right do I have to determine closeness? It's funny, because I knew her way back, years ago, and remember her very vividly, but she doesn't recall as much. Some part of me even feels like she understands this and feels obligated to keep it up -- like the young kid I was nice to in high school because he had a massive crush on me, I kept him at arms length, never gave him any hope at all, but I wasn't mean to him, even when he was being really annoying, since I knew that a sharp word from me would wound him worse than from someone else.

The bottom line, I just feel so damned pathethic.

The suggestion was made that I find a job and make some new friends through there, maybe that's what I'm missing. Funny, I worked my last job for 8 years with many of the same people and I don't really hear from them. But I was lonely there too -- hell, instead getting to have a crying jag in the comfort of my car, I had to sniffle in the ladies room.

I'm missing some part of the cement and I just can't find it -- I'm so tired of trying, so tired of feeling desperate. Tired of feeling so hollow. Along the way, I lost my thick skin, or maybe I never really had it -- but I'm so sensitive to loss, all this loss around me, this death, this anger, all this loneliness that's not all mine. I just keep soaking it up. I feel people slipping away from me with each day, I'm scared sometimes, to let out how I really feel because I don't want them to leave faster, don't want to ruin whats left. I don't want to hurt anyone. I was just sitting here trying to feel properly angry and I couldn't! I was able to justify everything.

Somehow I've developed this habit -- this clarity, empathy, change of perspective, what have you... it goes something like this: i'm mad at mom, every time i've tried to talk to her about my problems she doesn't listen and the topic changes to being about her but that's what you expect when she doesn't really have anyone to share these things with, it's not selfishness, it's just what's at the surface when the communication opens and it just needs to be gotten though-- the only problem is that it takes an hour and by that time I'm too distracted with her problems to talk about my own and besides her problems are way bigger than mine, which will pass, but if my brothers only talked to her some like a person instead of a figurehead and understood that she's a person, then she would have a lot more "person" to go around and in addition to that how can I expect more of her than I would a friend? if this were my friend, I wouldn't really be mad, I'd just go on to another friend. At least my brother's have that. Except they don't come around much anymore, hell, I hooked David up with a cell phone and paid the bill on it, and now Doug and I both do and I don't even hear from him ever (except for when he called me by accident) but he just lost his job, and he's young and I'm sure he's stressed out, but Daryl, Daryl offered to come over and help with house stuff and even said he would make a wedding gift out of doing some insulation work -- here it is Thanksgiving and still no insulation -- but he did come over and help me move the wood stove a few weeks ago and that was no mean feat so I can't be angry at him, and Devin, Devin went to Daryl with his alcohol problem, which I understand because they're close, but I didn't here anything from Devin until he needed money to pay for his rehab at a private center, so of course I dropped everything to handle that, and communicated with everyone for him and ya know he's been out of contact with me since then even though he's talked to Darly since, and is living in a halfway house, and is getting help, and he didn't even bother to tell Mom or I that he wouldn't be coming home for Thanksgiving dinner b/c he'd be eating with a church group -- but I can't be angry with him because it's Rehab for chrissakes, I'm just glad he got in there.

And so I'm still angry. Still upset, and everyone else is somehow exponged.

**

I've speant a total of 3 hours and 15 minutes on the phone with Mom the past two days, hashing and rehashing the particulars of Thanksgiving. I'm not talking about the menu, I'm talking about whether or not it was gonna goddamn happen. It seems like every year this waffling happens, and no one but I get the brunt of it. It's incredibly draining. I'm the one on the phone or in person soothing, discussing, planning, listening to her vent. I'll be the one helping to cook and clean up. So will Doug, who has by the way, washed more dishes at Mom's house in the past six months than any one of my brothers has in the past year.

There's a lot of circular thought from this --whether because Mom never layed down ground rules early on, or because her manner of getting things done can be a bit particular, or because the boys are boys, or because they've given up trying or....well whatever. The bottom line is that every year, consistantly, I feel like I have to play in some way, the role of Holiday Rescue.

If I have to save it at least let me be the one to host it. Christmas last year worked out pretty well at the apartment because there was no precedent. Everyone showed up, dressed nicely, mostly behaved AND I put the little suckers to work when I needed help and whacked a few fingers for picking at the food before it was ready.

They're not bad boys, I love them. I just resent that I am the one that's stuck sucking up all the negativity beforehand so they can have a nice happy time during. Mom is so afraid of driving away any of her sons... I guess she figured I'm staying around. It's like this if I don't save a Sunday dinner, then oh well, there will be others. If I don't save a Holiday it will (and this has been proven) detract something from all future ones.

************* but, it'll be a good holiday, I'll be able to brush this crap away long enough to enjoy it. Maybe this rant isn't exactly absolutely unerringly true, but it's true to me, and it's how I feel.*************

To-Do

2005-11-18T10:56:00.000-05:00

My new obsession:

Growing loofah. I've spent the whole morning reading up on it after coming across it a month or so ago in Llywellyn's Herbal Almanac. I've decided I want to plant two varieties for starters, and I'll use the chicken coop to grown them against -- atleast two sides of the coop. The girls should get SOME sun. Apparently they are fast growers of the pumpkin family, much like a squash, and similar to zucchini in shape. I'm a big fan of vining plants because they are so fullfilling to watch grow and these apparently, will take over what ever you plant them against. They can be eaten when young, or left to dry on the vine to make loofah sponges, soaps, etc. You can read a bit more about them here or here.

Doug and I are starting to hash out the details for next year's growing season. I don't think we'll have the ability to handle more than some basic veggies, but then again, we might. I can also try to sell the excess by putting out an honor-system vegetable stand along the road. Those do remarkably well around here. But the problem will be getting the beds in. I'd like to do several 8'x8' semi-raised beds. That way everything is accessible, and I can keep track of crop rotation. This also helps to group plants by ripeness dates. That way, you end up with an empty bed in late summer/early fall to plan winter crops, and for example, it's best to give the asparagus their own bed since I won't be seeing anything tasty from them for a couple years.

Besides the veggie garden, we also have a butterfly garden in the works and a need to start some serious ground cover/ erosion prevention along the edge of the property by the road. We've torn out a bunch of mulitflora and double briar and would like to replace it with a fast growing, good smelling vine--- maybe a variety of clematis and some honeysuckle. But it's gotta go in right away in the spring.

And we can't forget the herb garden. It's very important to me to have all the herbs I've been missing available.... like fresh basil, tarragon, and cilantro. Or the medicinal ones -- chamomile, bee balm, mint, etc. Some of them I can combine in other plots, but I'd like to set aside and herb area -- hopefully be able to park it near and area to grow flowers for cutting. I've found all kinds of seeds at www.seedman.com which seems to be a great website. We also have the perfect place for sunflowers.... and don't forget the lilacs or fruit trees we need to put in, and eventually some berries.

Sheesh. D and I are talking about establishing grow lights in our basement in order to start seedlings early. Ideally I'd like to have a shed or greenhouse setup for that and a cold frame for hardening them off. Grow lights use a lot of electricity, too, so I'm wonder on the economic value of them,especially if we used them in the basement until we can get a greenhouse set up in a few years. I mean, right now, we don't really even want to pay the $700 or so it will cost to get a half decent shed to put the lawnmower in!

So -- I'm sure it's all about pacing. I'll be starting classes in March. Fortunately they're evening classes, so in theory, I can get a grip on the spring planting and such. Oh, and before we do any of the big stuff, we need to have the property surveyed and fenced in order to keep the deer as out as we can AND clear a bunch of the area to make it useable. And don't forget the idea to start a goat dairy here, too! I think those'll wait a few years. Or, even better, we can start out with one or two goats, see how that goes and expand as we move along. That way the care and maintenance are learned along the way, and become more "routine".

So I guess it's time to sit down and start prioritizing. Speaking of routine and priorities... it's time to go paint the walls with some color samples, refinish a table, clean the living room, feed the chickens, make some business calls, sweep, wash dishes, transplant some books, do laundry, and make dye.

Whee!

not warm, not warm atall...and some pics

2005-11-17T13:37:00.000-05:00

Today is the first day I've really felt that bite of winter in the air. It was a little unnerving. Fortunately I had my winter coat ready when I went out to feed the chickens. But now that some of the brush is dying back, I was able to wander around our property a bit... it's huge! In the summer so much of it was not accessible I don't think I got a great idea of exactly how much there is. Plus, it's very hilly out here, so some things my seem close, but really that's because you're looking from one hill to another.... the actual travel time is a different story altogether.

Currently I'm eyeballing the brush and wondering how to clear a good part (not all ) of it out. I know there is a way, or a tool that'll work, or something that doesn't involve me and a machete and a pair of loppers clearing 10 feet a day. I'm sure of it. If only I knew someone who's husband was in landscaping that might be able to tell me what that is....

The new windows look great, and the draft has reduced a bunch. Some of them feel like they're leaking air, but it probably has more to do with the trim/siding work that needs to be done yet. The kitchen guys stopped over today with a plumber and it looks like it will be do-able. The plumbing was going to be tricky so it's good to hear a solid "I can do that" from the plumber.

Last week was absolutely crazy, the guys to install the new heat pump system were here, and a whole crew of guys doing the windows. We've also had a door moved and a window put in down in what is going to be the kitchen. It's pretty cool, and the placement of the door, although I was not thrilled with the idea at first, really does make the whole room feel a lot more "useable"... this kitchen is going to be huge! I'm so excited for it. I especially like that Doug and I are going to be able to do some of the work ourselves which 1. cuts some expense and 2. makes it more "ours".

Hopefully we aren't going to go so broke in the process that we won't be able to use it, though I'm sure I'll be able to boil water for Ramen with ease. *grin* The sad thing is, I love Ramen noodles. Even though I've lived off of them for stretches of time in my life, I still find them tasty... how scary is that? I do not, however, care for pancakes in most cases. We must've had one too many dinners of them when I was a kid.

Okay, enough rambling, here are some pictures.

This is the Collette-chicken. I managed to get this shot when she wasn't hiding. It's not great, but you can see how she's all poufy, right down to her feet.

Here is our very pretty rooster. Doug called him The Major in reference to the fact that he takes the girls out for walks..... so of course, I figured that a better name would be "The Colonel" -- because it was too damn morbid not to!

At first, Morgan wasn't sure what to do with the big stuffed spider on Halloween. Then he figured that eating it was the best course of action. I'm sure he traumatized every spider in the house with that one. I'm sure they'd rather brave the cold!

Nappus Interuptus. The kitties work hard to protect us and what do I do? I drop in and destroy a perfectly good nap with that flashy thing.

Garlic soup. Yum. Made similar to French onion, but less cheese. Instead I've toasted half a croissant with some Gruyere and ladled the soup over it. Again, yum.

I think the dining room stayed this clean for all of 1 week until we had to dump a bunch of stuff on the table which is mostly still there. *sigh*

Some people have a green thumb. Mine turned brown. Actually my gloves split open at the thumbnail when I as husking some black walnuts. Hopefully the dye I'm making from them will stain some wood as well as it did me!

Propagating irises. I'm sure there's a law against it in some conservative states....

Doug digging the mum bed. It's got all the flowers from our wedding in it.

A wall made of stones from the barn complete the look and transform a hard to mow or trim hill into something pretty.

Doug's best used car salesman face. How could I resist?

Easy as Pie

2005-11-15T18:24:00.000-05:00

..... well tasty, anyway. Just wanted to share to fruit of Erica's and my efforts today. After a quick trip to the grocery store to see what looked good. We settled on making a pumpkin pie, a rustic apple and cherry tart, and some cookies.

Yum.

I am not a fan of pumpkin pie. Or wasn't. I don't care for pale orange, wussy pumpkin pie. I like a little kick in my pie. We found this recipe and it's sooooo yummy. Dark molasses and heavy cream and orange marmalade really give this some kick. The recipe called for a tiny amount of spices, so of course, I had to go well over that!

We couldn't find any cookie cutters as the grocery (and I don't own any, sadly) so I took the bottom of my maple leaf muffin pan and pressed it into the pastry, then cut our around the leaves. They turned out beautifully, then I put a pinch of maple sugar on each one so it would melt over the surface. It kind of obscured the design on the leave, but it is tasty!

Tart-y goodness. Country-Style Brandied Apple and Dried Cherry tarts. Well actually the recipe calls for you to brandy the cherries. Dried out a bit, I tend to like my apples saucy in a pie, but very tasty. We put an egg wash on the outside to strenghten it a bit, and baked them on parchement paper on a pizza stone. We also addes some chopped pecans and currants to the mix. I can't leave anything alone, I know.

Looks like miles of the stuff, eh?

"... the sweetest cherry in the apple pie..." We had so much filling left over that we brandied some more cherries and Erica showed off how handy she can be with pastry. She hand cut each of those little apples and leaves.

It when it came out, between the egg wash and the coarse sugar, it was just so pretty! I think this time we didn't let the cherries plump up in the brandy as long as they should have. So the dried cherries are exceptionally chewy, and the apple dried out a bit on top of the pie, a bit of butter did help that.

Peanut Butter cookies. I may mess with and/or butcher many recipes that come may way in order to suit my preferences. I do NOT mess with the Fanny Farmer peanut butter cookie recipe. And the best peaunut butter for cookies? The government issue stuff, of course! Erica's daughter, Eve, who is 4, was a huge help in making these. She leveled and added all the flour while I was mixing... of course, getting the flour out of all the other places it got added to is another trick altoghter..... but I think she had a good time.

Wedding, Wedding

2005-11-15T12:08:00.000-05:00

I keep getting emails from David's Bridal and from The Knot, still counting down to the supposed wedding date. How funny is that? I actually got a telemarket call for some wedding related thing and the guy introduced himself and asked how I was and I said, "Married, thank you." That really threw him off his script. Heh.

You can read stuff about the wedding at my brother blog here. Or Raven's blog here. But I suppose the bride has to tell her story herself, too, eh?

There is something exhilerating about playing in the rain. We (the girls) woke up at my house in the pooring rain. Of course, I would have loved to stay in bed BUT apparently I was neccessary for the ceremony and stuff. So I start getting dressed and fooling with my hair and make-up a bit. With the rain, I decided against anything elaborate or curled and found my best waterproof mascara. Raven however helped and took an amazing creative twist with it. Our photographer showed up with his wife (Erica who was a bridesmaid) took some pictures and they headed down to the site so they could pick up the flowers and apple cider donuts from Milburn Orchards (baked that day) on the way down.

Not only do I and Raven get to the site on time, but so does my Mom (early in fact yay Mom!). Mrs. Taylor allowes to get ready in her gorgeous house, she has a room that looks like a glassed in porch that we used.... of course this gave me a great view of-- torrential rain and frantic people scrambling. I have to admit, though, that the idea of sending my brother David to Wal-Mart the night before for clear ponchos for the boys was a good idea -- and they were all so courteous and handsome. DJ the eldest brother, came down from Wisconsin and aside from bringing lots of tasty cheese, he also helped organize the boys. They all did wonderfully, directing traffic, people, and doing all the last minute setup.

But apparently the tent did not shelter the land as well as we hoped. Of course, it really couldn't. It could handled rain but not monsoon, I think. So as I'm getting dressed Erica comes in and says there's a lot of mud under the tent... a LOT of mud. She doesn't want me to be too surprised. I look down at my handmade white leather moccasins from Medieval Moccasins and decide that maybe another footwear option is neccessary. Not a problem. I have pink and blue striped galoshes!

But we all get dressed successfully. I didn't have a guest book, I forgot to make one. So I asked Mrs. Taylor if she had a few sheets of stationary or something like that she could staple together for me. Her daughter, Bethany, and she actually took good paper, and ribbon, and made a guest book. That was so incredibly touching! The bouquets are amazing, the caterer is completely set up by the time the ceremony is ready to start we're all piled onto the back porch as things get rolling.... I can hear the music start to seat the mothers. Between my brothers and our ministers husband JB, who was soaked by now, just about everyone made it to the tent with an umbrella'd escort.

Erica and Raven looked absolutely gorgeous. I mean really pretty! The flower girl Brynn, and ring bearer, Trevor were adorable. I hadn't seen Doug or the guys yet. I was to walk down the isle with two brothers in front of me and two behind, with DJ giving me away and the others standing behind him. Even with the space constraints, I would not budge on my brothers giving me away, it was too important.

Just at the entrance of the tent, I find I can't walk. Oh, that's because David is standing on the hem of my dress and hay! there's hay everywhere. I made it halfway down the "aisle" very slowly since it's so short... and finally am able to see past all the people on my right and when I saw Doug, my legs just went..... all wobbly. And his eyes got all watery and red.... it was probably the hay *grin*.

But the ceremony went well from there. My friend Mike was stunning in a black satin shirt with a ruffle down the front -- he did the poetry reading (very well, the man has an amazing voice), my uncle read from the bible, the tent filtered what little light and rain there was and it was very.... authentic, I think in some ways, due to the arrangements. However the big attraction was that the first leaves of autumn had been scattered across the top of the tent by the wind and rain, and you could see them outlined against the ceiling. It was really pretty. AND there had been concern that we didn't have enough mums for the original plan, and the smaller space actually made the tent seem very full and bright.

No mishaps during the vows, which we had customized some. The ceremony seemed a bit long but I have to admit, when I looked out over the people gathered there, I knew every face, and to Doug and I, it really felt like they were sharing this with us, not spectators. Everyone really pulled together, even guests, to make this happen. Thinking about it now, I can really appreciate that -- people made it that I didn't think would make it, and some didn't that I thought would. But I think everyone had a good time.

I figure that the thing that bothered me the most was that everything went well except for the one thing I couldn't control at all and that put a real "damper" on things. But that day -- was wonderful. I love to play in the rain, and fortunately... it wasn't cold. It was just rainy. So how many people can say they got married in galoshes?

But the food was amazing and there was too much of it. Everyone got to eat their fill (this is good, I've been to too many weddings where there wasn't enough!) and it was really tasty. Blue Marlin Catering did a wonderful job and coordinated with the tent people A&M Tent Events really well. The apple cider donuts were made fresh that morning. There had been some thought of having a wedding cake but, I'm glad we didn't. Can you imagine what a mess that would have been in all that rain?

The hay.... apparently at the last minute, the idea of hay came up,since the tarps just weren't working AND were slippery. So my other brother, Daryl *grin* and the best made take a drive to a nearby farm (the mother of the girl Daryl is dating) and pick up several bales of hay to spread out under the tent... and it worked! I think, ultimately it protected Mrs. Taylor's yard, too.

This is just too funny to me for some reason. Doug was amazingly handsome. Granted none of the guys wore "traditional" formalwear, but they all pulled of their 'looks' well. I'm thinking Doug needs more doublets! Jon even bought a sword for the occasion. My brothers all wore their floofy shirts without too much complaining and looked incredibly good in them.

So pictures were taken, music was played, mead was drunk, food eaten... merriment and rain, hey it was definately relaxed, maybe a bit too much since a lot of wedding "tradition" got thrown by the wayside, but hey, I don't miss most of it. Especially not the damned garter thing which we both don't care for.

When it came time to leave, the RenFair was obviously not going to happen. We were all cold and wet and didn't want to get colder, wetter, and muddier. So the limo that Doug and I hired for 9 hours ($$$) only got used to take D and I are a long drive up Rt. 1 and back down to Barnhenge. Of course, we killed both bottles of champagne and the driver was really funny. I had some trouble getting into the limo, I asked the driver... "how do women in hoop skirts get into these things" .. he just said "very carefully".

So since there just so happened to be two brothers handy... I put them to work.... again. In the mud, in the rain, standing behind the limo, I hiked up my skirts and untied my hoop then had the boys pull it down so I could step over it (in my pink galoshes) and put it in the trunk of the limo. How funny is that? They were cracking up. I was wearing bicycle shorts underneath (how sexy is that? ), so nothing risque, no flowers in this attic, here.

So we went on our drive in the limo and just relaxed for a bit with a sigh of relief. We came home and managed to change out of our gear before friends started showing up -- of course we weren't going to let the party end at the reception! Mom even sent the boys up with leftovers and food ( we didn't have any since we were going away for a week ) -- we had beer and mead and a little hard stuff. I have to say I got quite drunk -- but had a good time, and I think everyone getting to hang out with everyone else in such an informal setting was good.

So many people pulled together to make this happen from the time we moved up the date and before that and during the wedding and reception itself I was really touched by all the love there, and as Devin said, this was definately a "Harris Wedding". I suppose my last day as a Harris had to embody that......and ya know, Doug and I are doing happily ever after quite well, I think.

We're still waiting on the proffessional photos, and I have to check and see if I can get any of them in digital form, to share. But in the post below this are some that friends and family have shared with us so far.

Photos

2005-11-15T12:07:00.000-05:00

It's important to have good hair...see, dry and everything!

Just about everyone who took pictures had a shot like this, it was just so ephemeral and pretty, the photos really don't do it justice.

The lads... left to right, DJ, Daryl, Devin, and David.

I will treasure this picture forever because, well, because they're all in one place and quiet. Amazing.

A moment of prayer for the men, led by Michelle Loving-Moore, our minister. Left to right, Doug, Jon, and Dude (I mean Stu).

If only we had a tarp and a lackey to put it out....

....ah, okay! This was the first layer of defense against the mud!

Trevor after performing his duties...

...and Brynn who hung out up front a while longer. Aren't they cute? The flower basket was too big and both were having troubles with the hay but they did an amazing job.

The girls... Raven (left), Erica (right) and Brynn (front).... also two of the boys.. I love the big smile on Doug's face.

The words...

The rings...

I just did what?!?! (Doug after the drugs wore off)

Yep, still smilin'

My cute husband waiting for me in the limo so that we may be whisked away to our estate in the country. :)

With These Rings

by Janet Paisley

You are fresh words

on the old stone of time

Here, silence honours you,

here now, the earth turns,

the sun beats, the rain sings.

You are not adrift

among the wheeling constellations

but held by the hoop of love.

Ancient as the ring of standing stones,

prophetic as a snow-ring round the moon,

marriage is.

Wear your vows well when laughter

is the wine between you

or when night lies like a bolster

down the middle of your bed.

May the cold shoulder of the hill

always afford you shelter.

May the sun always seek you

however dark the place.

We who are wordless know

thorns have roses.

And when you go from this day

the burnished stars go with you.

When you go forward from this day

the love that grew you

grows with you

and marriage is struck,

iron on stone, hand in hand.

tongue planted firmly in cheek....

2005-11-10T16:36:00.000-05:00

Borrowed from qu0thraven

Some thoughts on gay marriage....

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control.

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can't legally get married because the world needs more children.

3. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if Gay marriage is allowed, since Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are property, blacks can't marry whites, and divorce is illegal.

6. Gay marriage should be decided by people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country That's why we have only one religion in America.

8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to things like cars or longer lifespans.

12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.

and now for a message from our sponsor

2005-10-28T10:29:00.000-05:00

I'm still working on wedding posts, I'm a bit hesitant to write about all the events from the day since many of them are still raw to me and the pictures are more-or-less from sources other than our photographer. It'll happen yet, though.

What gets me is that sometimes I don't feel married yet. Walking past the magazine racks, I still gravitate toward the bridal stuff. I think, because the wedding was executed as a vague distillation of what was actually planned, some part of my brain is still churning out ideas. If anything, maybe it's more of a "post-partum" style depression -- On one side you have the relief that it's all over and on the other side you can't believe it's all over and that THING that you've been sweating over, angsting over, working on, thinking on -- is done. Done done done. So, it's bittersweet -- I'm so glad its done and so happy with Doug -- but I would have liked for more of the things that were planned to happen -- so I guess it feels, and bear with me on this, like a breakup of sorts. The kind that you feel is neccessary, but still need closure on. I need to breakup with my ideas on what the wedding was supposed to be like and accept on the good stuff that it was, and the not as good, and the unexpected good (which there was much of). The cool thing is that, in a way, we can extend the celebrations some. We didn't make it to the RenFaire due to the rain, so maybe next year we can arrange a big group trip down -- and it'll be fun without the pressure. Honestly, as tired as D and I were that evening, it's probably better we didn't all go! I think it was Doug's boss that said that the great thing about the extreme weather situation was that it completely leveled the playing field. He's right. No one knew what to expect-- and so the fact that there was lots of love, good food, something different, and a still-beautiful setting made it quite good, and quite memorable.

Okay, good, I needed to work that out, and somehow, it just wasn't happening in my head. I'll get those posts of pics up soon.

On the other hand, life right now is completely different.

Jen asked me what it was like to be married after living together -- I told her that it was very much the same, and yet completely different. I suppose you have to go through that, to understand. Fortunately, I'd gotten much the same advice from other friends, and passed it along to Doug. So I think we're pretty much prepared.

However, I was not prepared to be staying at home. It's taken me some time to get used to the whole deal. I'm trying to get on a schedule of sorts and make sure the days are stuctured. There's so much to do, I think I relaxed more when I was in the office!

We currently don't have heat. We have a furnace, but no oil. We don't want to buy oil since we're having a heat pump installed and don't think anyone would bring out 1/4 tank expecially to a customer that doesnt have an existing account. BUT we did get the wood stove hooked up on Tuesday and that does a really good job of keeping the autumn chill out. In fact, splitting wood really does keep me warm! *grin*

While on honeymoon,something got our beautiful red chickens. I'm pretty upset about that still, since they knew us and were so much fun. We did have three hens and a rooster brought down by Raven's mom from New Hampshire. The rooster has REALLY BIG SPURS. That makes me feel much better about the safety of the hens. The new chickens are mostly Wyandot -- two silver lace hens, a rooster (with a mix of somethign else by looking at him and his feathery feet) and a blue hen that looks like a Kochin (sp? - she has very fancy feet and petticoats) mix. So far they're starting to get used to me, but no eggs yet.

The rooster is lovely. E2 sent me a picture of a rooster once and he was all rainbow colored. I wanted one -- and now have one for free. This morning for the first time, he crowed. At 10 a.m. Now that's my kind of rooster! The little blue hen is so funny. She's a Collette chicken. Like our cat she seems very sweet and timid. When I come into the coop/pen she does all she can to hide behind the rooster, she doesn't "bawk" she cheeps, and shes kinda "pouffy" so she does not appear small, though she thinks she is -- much like Collette, one of our cats. One of the silver-lace hens is either molting horribly, or getting pecked at. I'm not sure which. I've observed the chickens for longish periods of time and don't see any pecking going on, so I'll watch a bit more. She may just be reacting to the stress of relocating. These are not young chickens so I imagine it's harder for them to adapt.

Aside from the cats and chickens, it's pretty quiet here. I've been trying to get things done -- trying is the operative word here -- and getting better at being motivated. I'm a pretty social creature, so when I hermit up, it's not neccessarily good for me. Also, with the days getting so short, I've noticed that I am beginning my seasonal depression battle. The good thing is that I'm not stuck in an office -- so I can go outside and be active and fight the good fight. The bad thing is that I don't HAVE to get up and go to the office, which makes it harder to get up and go :)

Today, what worked was getting dressed and getting my contacts in before I had even finished "waking up" -- I'll have to remember that trick. Now, off to run errands, split wood, clean house, do yardwork, husk walnuts, and maybe bake something.

Can you write a novel in a month?

2005-10-27T21:59:00.000-05:00

http://www.nanowrimo.org/

...so tempting to give this a go, I mean, this is the first time since I was 12 or so where I'm not working, so what do I have to lose,right?

But, there's so much else to do right now (which is why I'm not working). Unless a great flash of brilliance hits me, I doubt I'll participate --however, Vickie -- this sounds right up your alley. :)

mmmmmmm

2005-10-27T16:22:00.000-05:00

""Which cocktail are you?""
brought to you by Quizilla

when it rains.... installment 1

2005-10-23T11:47:00.000-05:00

I have no idea why I've been procrastinating this entry for so long.... I suppose I needed some time to regroup. I must admit that the events of and surrounding the wedding will provide writing (and therapy) fodder for a while. :) Actually, considering the rain, it went remarkably well and everyone stayed in pretty good spirits. Doug and I are happily married, the food was good, the company was good, and if nothing else, this was definately a memorable event for all involved.

Ya know, one of the first things I wanted when Doug and I set out on planning this was for it to be ... and I quote myself in a moment of frustration.... "not another pissant Cecil County wedding".... so THAT it was definately not.

Be careful what you wish for, eh?

The Rehearsal

So the day before getting hitched the rains began in earnest. Lots of it. Torrents of it. But, I got up and got going to Mom's house to meet her before we head out for some time at the spa with plans to up around 2 p.m. at the site. I did mention this was an outdoor event, right? So I call the tent people on the way down and they inform me that the guys should be showing up by 9:30 or so, which is good. I call the lady that owns the property where the wedding is to be held, Mrs. Taylor, and let her know.

I get to Mom's, she's not quite ready to go, so I take some time to have DJ (my brother and for this event, the leader of The Brothers) unload the set up stuff from the car, and give him a list with some last minute stuff. We end up running pretty darn late to our spa appointments. I call and let them now. Mom and I get pretty tense with each other. Lateness is an issue in our family -- well, she's often late because she's trying to do too many things at once, and I am because, well, I get it honest. So when I'm on time, I tend to get testy with those that are running late because odds are, I'm barely on time, or am running late for the time I set myself. But hey, we got there and just as we're pulling up I get a call from Mrs. Taylor and she says the tent guys aren't there. So I call the tent people and give them a bunch of crap. At this point we're less than 30 minutes late for our appointments but I'm stuck on the phone with the tent people for another 20 while they figure out what's up and correct it.

I am now addicted to the following: massages, facials, pedicures, and manicures. I had my first pedi and facial at the bridal shower Lexi threw while she was in town (lovely!) so going the day before the wedding for more was a special treat for Mom and I. We really enjoyed it -- she even took my cell phone away from me so I wouldn't have to deal with anymore B.S. while we were there.

We run a few errands and get back home. Starving, we are starving. Have to load up to set up and at this point we're both late, in fact, we're all running late. Doug had to go to the site by himself to meet the tent people because his parents disappeared with Jon and Jen (later we found that they had to shop, which J and J were not expecting) then came back to the house in order to change and head back to the site (which is thirty minutes from our house). At Mom's the rain has picked up even harder and we grab something to eat -- in the time it takes most Moms to make sandwiches, my Mom has steak fried and sliced across crisp greens, tomatoes, and real blue cheese-- so at least we are ready to face the elements.

We start slogging through the set up and the minister arrives so -- bottom line -- it gets a bit crazy. We go through rehearsal. Have some jokes, get kept in line by the minister, Michelle, since she knew we did have to get out of there at some point-- have a huge blowout with my Mom (it's a prerequisite, I think) and get absolutely, soaking, clothes clinging to the skin, hair straggling, muddy, wet. Then go to the rehearsal dinner and hour late.

Doug's parents and sister had decorated the restaurant, Matilda's, beautifully and have waited patiently for everyone to get there. The dinner went off really well, the food was wonderful. Matilda's is an Australian restaurant and one of our favorites. Everyone really got along well. Doug's niece, Jaime, thought that Raven was really cool -- which made her day, the parents got along, my brothers really liked Jon, Jen and Raven hit it off -- it was interesting watching people meet for the first time and all get along. I got a kick out of it.

I think that evening it really finally sunk in that the wedding was really going to happen the next day -- literally, rain or shine. Jen and Raven went home with me, Doug and Jon went to a hotel. It was good to have the company that night. Nothing wild and crazy that night, just a much needed hot shower and some time to reflect.

Here are some pics from around the rehearsal time -- so far we don't have the proffessional pictures back, so most of these have been kindly donated by friends and family with some editing....

So, this is where the wedding was supposed to take place. A very lovely open field behind an equally lovely house with charming accents around the property. The Taylor's, who own said property are just amazingly wonderful people, too. Needless to say we were excited when they offered to let us have the wedding there.

Pretty....

Pretty...

RAINY!

The day before the wedding, this is how much standing water was on my Mom's porch. Lots, and lots and lots.

Mom taking a sugar-free popsicle break after we got back from being pampered. Her shirt says "If you're rich, I'm single." I love it.

Aren't they cute? Daryl (front) and DJ (back) on one of their multiple trips loading the car. Notice how the grass is a bit brown? That's because it hadn't rained significatly for weeks before the wedding.... weeks.

Betty Lynn is a friend of the family -- and really just did amazing things with the setup of the tent later in that evening. I think when I took this picture, I told her that I had to because she was the only one in the house still smiling....

"No, Trevor, you have to go THIS way!"

Fortunately my cousins Billy and Trish both have young children that they let me borrow for the wedding. Brynn was very serious about being a flower girl, she practiced for months... Trevor is less than two years old and will follow her wherever she goes... mostly... and I was thrilled that they could both participate.

At some point, you have to stop giving orders and start taking them. That was the hard part. Michelle, our minister did a great job getting us to buckle down and iron out the final details. At that point I was too stressed to be effective and poor Doug was exhausted with helping me cope. (see there's Betty Lynn and Mom still decorating! )

This is the main table -- Betty did he arrangement in the gold pail. Everywhere else we had big bright mums. As you can tell we were going for a bit of an autumn harvest theme as far as the decorating went. The cool thing about combining the ceremony and reception site was that what I thought would not be enough flowers actually ended up being a whole lot for the small space.

Good Luck

2005-10-07T22:34:00.000-05:00

the reason they say that rain on your wedding day is good luck is to keep the bride from freaking out.....

I've stopped freaking but I'm still soaked. AND my 15 lbs of velvet tomorrow will be too. I think we've squeezed it all under the tent, this should be fascinating...

wish us luck.

Countdown

2005-09-29T11:43:00.000-05:00

I have to apologize for any lack of bloggitty goodness it's been a hectic few weeks.

So now-- now that almost everything is set that can be set -- now I freak out. Of course, because, it doesn't take much brainpower to tie raffia around 60 wedding favors, a basket or two, my head, the kitties, the rabbit.... I digress. Anyway, it's just a bit odd realizing that this upcoming weekend is my last weekend as a single woman -- well, not married, anyway.

I think for men it's different. Doug will still be Mr. Doug and have the same last name -- but me? I get to change my prefix and my last name (of course, you know I've written my new name a whole bunch of times, right?)

So it's like a whole new identity, indeed, for me it is. Not only will I be a married woman, but I've given notice at the company where I've worked for the past 8 years (i'm 26 - you do the math) and will be working part time or close to full time until I start massage school. I'll probably also be taking a bit of time completely off so that I can work around the house and be there when the contractors are there. Doug is cool with this -- or -- as cool as he's letting me see him be. I know he's a bit worried.... but I just haven't been human lately with some of the work I do. That, and I've had dreams of doing this for the past five years -- eventually opening my own spa. I think that's one of the best gifts he could give me -- a chance to follow my dreams. I'm a lucky girl.

So, on the super-short notice of the wedding we have everything sorted out. We did not lose our deposits, but converted them into services. We have a tent, chairs, and tables. We have a caterer -- my cousin handled that call and set it up, which lifted a huge weight off my shoulders and makes this whole thing seem "real" -- and hopefully tasty. She really just rocked, I had written anything good from the caterer off.

What I personally like the best about this is that since it's short notice, we've been able to distill out some of the stuff we didn't like so much -- for example: Wedding Cake. Yes, I like it, it's pretty and all that. If we were still having the big wedding, we'd do a cake. What I think is really cool, is that we're getting a big ol' pile of Apple Cider Donuts from Millburn Orchards -- they are a cult favorite in this region -- sooo tasty, and fresh baked that morning.

Lexi threw me a bridal shower while she was up here on HER vacation. I was so impressed, the whole theme was "pampering" I got my first ever pedicure, some really cool presents and to spend time with my bestest closest girls. Everyone was so impressed with how Lex pulled that together especially since she planned the whole thing from home in Hawaii!

Well my lunch break is almost done -- will have to blog more later -- I can't believe how much has developed since the last time, so I'll have to get better about it in the future.

Help!

2005-09-11T23:43:00.000-05:00

I need to know what this plant is before I destroy it -- I want more, though.

Here's what I know:

blooms are white and clustered, they did not start blooming until very late in the summer. it appears to be vine-like shrub, almost like a honeysuckle. it grows wild on the property, seems to like to cling to other plants like the bramble we're trying to clear out. VERY fragrant, heady perfume, almost like a jasmine or honeysuckle. i looked for a kind of honeysuckle that matches and have been unable to locate, however. any assistance would be good.

let them bleed

2005-09-10T16:12:00.000-05:00

I love me some Tori. Places I've seen Tori:

Washington, DC
Newark, DE
Columbia, SC
Atlanta, GA
Camden, NJ
Baltimore, MD
Camden, NJ

...and yes, drove to SC and GA only to see the show and come back the next day:) It's a sickness, I tell ya. Or a balm. This last show, you could see her, I don't want to say age, but there was definately some of life's weather on her face -- funny by the end of the show, it was not longer visible - as if she and the audience were symbiotic vampires -- as if she took a teeny bit from all of us -- I like that thought.

enough rambling now. i want cookies.

Which Tori Amos song are you?

Precious Things

School. Religion. Sex. All disappointments. Let them bleed.

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Foodie Thoughts

2005-09-08T22:03:00.000-05:00

Stephanie over at Dispensing Happiness (well and Matt) have piqued my interest again. I have recently recovered from the craving for fried chicken brought upon by her quest for perfect fried chicken (I didn't cave and fix any, I'm getting married in a month, folks I don't want to gain any more weight!) but now, out of the blue, Matt posts a tutorial on barbeque. I suggest ya'll check it out, it was very comprehensive. Of course, NOW, I can't get it out of my head. I love bbq in whatever incarnation it takes.

One of my fondest memories with an ex of mine is when we got several racks of ribs and just went wild experimenting with rub & sauce combinations. Another is over Memorial Day I managed to make two batches of country style short ribs in our itsy bitsy grill.

Slate had an article on this fellow that drove cross country seeking barbeque that made me want to revamp our entire honeymoon plans! Check it out here and see if it doesn't make your mouth water. Oh since everyone has their own opinion of the best sauce -- if you're going to buy it already prepared, try Sweet Baby Ray's -- after years of searching, I found the one I love best. :)

okay time to wipe off the drool.

The weekend was good. Jon and Jen came down and brought lobster! I was so excited, I've never actually had lobster before in it's whole form. It was quite tasty AND Jon prepared it which was even cooler. I love to cook but it was nice to have a guest cook for us. I think we had a very good weekend altogether.

I've threw together a few meals, nothing awfully spectacular-- I did make a great dessert:

take 3/4 cup or so dried blueberries. cover and soak them in some red wine (I used merlot) with honey and nutmeg until they plump up a bit

while doing that, peel, have and de-stone 4 large firm peaches

where the stone was, take a spoon, grapefruit spoon, or mellon baller and make the indent larger.

place peaches dented side up in a casserole dish, fill with reconstituted blueberries and drizzle wine mixture over everything. (note: to keep them level, slice a bit off the bottom to make the bottoms flat)

add a thin pat of butter to each peach and cook for 20 minutes or so at 350 degrees. I suggest cooking covered and then cooking uncovered for a few minutes.

I served this with french vanilla ice cream, but I'm sure whipped cream, heavy cream, frozen yogurt, or creme fraiche would all work well.

It was tasty!

-----------------------

so the kitchen people are coming for the final estimate and measuring on monday. i'm really excited about getting it underway. we'll (i'll) have a baking center, lots of counter space, large gas range, convection oven, decent fridge and a pantry! that is heaven to me, I've got some cornish hens in the freezer to celebrate the occasion when it's all done.

We're becoming quite handy as of late. the tile in the laundry room looks like a pro did it. I did the grout and D has a great eye for laying out the tile. I was really impressed. Of course, I've been hobbling around with a broke butt (well glutes and hamstrings) from doing the grout, but eventually it will get better. I hope.

Went to the RenFaire last weekend with J and J-- we had to introduce them to the joys of food on a stick. All kinds of food on a stick, and big fat turkey (emu) legs. Yum! The best is the chocolate covered frozen cheesecake on a stick. Didn't know they had those in Tudor England, eh? Oh and mead. I love the stuff from the Linganore Winecellar in Mt. Airy, MD. It's so tasty. We have to go out there in a few weeks to purchase some for the wedding.

I've been trying to sample mead from different wineries and meaderies. So far nothing besides that has really struck me as something special. One that proclaimed itself to be the same recipe used for centuries in Ireland was absolutely disgusting, another had scotch added. The most recent was okay, infused with apricot, but had an odd oily aftertaste. I'm considering making our own, one day, especially if we put in an orchard and have bees.

So that's about it. I'm looking for suggestions on what to serve for the mini-reception. I love the autumn theme, we have perfect wedding favors -- maple sugar candy maple leaves. I know I want spiced cider, mead, and these delightful apple cider donuts made by Milburn Orchards. Other than that, I'm up in the air. Maybe pumpkin bars, some smoked meat, some cheese and some good bread. I was thinking about petit fours or something chocolate, but I'm not sure yet. I'm open to good, classy, harvest-y suggestions.

Oh, and Welsh cookies, I need to find them. I have a recipe, but it's an ancient one, I found it on a website devoted to cooking and baking in the pre-modern ways... like 1400, 1500, 1600 a.d. ways -- I can't think of the name for it, but it was really interesting. however it involves preparing the cookies using a cast iron griddle. I just don't have the time at the moment. I know a place that sells the, just don't know if they'll get here in time!

okay it's time for bed and stuff, then another day in at my overworked, understaffed office. *sigh*

October 8, 2005

2005-09-01T22:35:00.000-05:00

We've moved the wedding date. Frankly, I'm already burnt out on the house stuff, and work. Knowing that I have another winter possibly as hellish as this summer has been at work of planning prior to the wedding was not good. The constant looming stress has been not good. The way the expenses just kept piling up were just not practical at this juncture. We need to focus on the house, we want to get married, and I'm not willing to sacrifice our relationship for the wedding.

Several of my friends (vicki was first) basically gave that advice. At first it didn't seem to apply, but now, well now is different. So rather than put things off to alleviate the stress, we've opted to bit the bullet.

Unfortunately it is a bit upsetting since many folks I hoped would make it probably won't be able to, plus the smaller guest list. So we figured we'll have a HUGE party in about a year and everyone better make it to that. Like the kind of party that really lasts a few days --

For now I have a dress (two actually), 1 confirmed bridesmaid, a minister, a rehearsal dinner, a site, a groom, 2 confirmed groomsmen, a possible flower girl, the rings, and a daily prayer for clear weather on that day since it will be outdoors.

Did I mention we made this decision late on Sunday night. Not bad, I think,

Should be good though -- ceremony at 11, "light refreshments" reception after for about 1-2 hours and a caravan of folks to go to the Renaissance Faire with us to finish out the day. Did I mention the elements of the dress? Cotton velveteen in dark green, boning, silver embroidery (knotwork), hoop skirt, chemise, black and silver brocade. It's being custom made -- I found the seamstress on eBay. If it's a lovely as the rest of the work looks, she'll be my new favorite person. The other dress is just as gorgeous only simpler, again dark green cotton velveteen but a creme satin chemise -- very nice, and her site catered well to larger woman which was refreshing.

That's about all for now. I need to sleep so bad my eyes are burning.

As promised....

2005-08-27T23:04:00.000-05:00

Welcome to Barnhenge

So this is the spot. This was once a full barn -- we wanted to keep the foundation because it was just so pretty. It'll get put to good use.

Moving day. The tarpapered area is going to be our new kitchen. The hoopty moving truck has since been returned. As you can see, windows and siding are a must!

Again, proof that windows and siding are needed (contract in the works). The front porch, with all that trim is great. Doug and I eat dinner there a few nights a week. Something about friends hanging out on the front porch chatting is just a happy thing.

Dining room. No really, those windows look out into .....another room! Apparently the room beyond them used to be a sun porch. Doug and I are going to do something cool with the windows, the sun porch will eventually be a bathroom and mudroom. Currently it is referred to as "the hardware store" since that's where the tools are kept. The previous owners did a great job painting the downstairs, thought the floors need work.....
...and the upstairs have great refinished floors but cracked plaster walls. This casement with the light coming through is the first thing we see in the morning, provided a starving kitty is not in one's face."One long staircase just going up.....

and one even longer coming down." (treacherous!)
As if the symbolism were not blatant enough, the thought of painting it flesh-tone has crossed my mind. We like the silo though, it's not going anywhere any time soon and attracts bats. Sounds like a winner to me.
As far as the eye can see is our property -- well, up until the mowed area starts. This is a close up of one side of the barn ruins taken from the top of the driveway. From the driveway, they seem sunk down, however that's just because the old barn was built into the side of a hill.
Lovely lovely arches. One day this will be a patio area and outdoor kitchen.Master of his domain. I love this picture of Doug, of course, it may have been taken just BEFORE he signed the mortgage papers.
Yes, it's purple. No it didn't come that way. My honey indulges my whims where permissable and the girls love it. Of course, the coop almost ended up pink-and-purple camo. Now I just have to make some curtains for the windows :)

Doug thought that the chickens needed a special welcome mat of their very own. That and they might not realize it was the same coop.

This is the low pasture. (where I broke the mower) This one is so secluded-- and probably the flattest place on the property!

This is the high pasture. We used the word pasture even though nothing grazes there. They look like something out of "Camelot", the picture does it no justice. The pastures are covered in wildflowers. This one, I think, will be used as goat pasture as needed within the next few years.
Some local fauna. The butterfly bush is a whirlwind of activity. Also just about every evening the hummingbirds go nuts over the moonflowers in the overgrown areas. Tonight I saw about 15 out there.
I have never seen a thistle this tall. I am nearly 6 feet tall and this thistle was considerably taller than me! I'm absolutely enthralled by them, having never seen them grow all the way up....
...and then puff into seed pods.
chicken!!!!!!! mistress of all she purveys.
New kitty. This is Gigi. She's a Russian Blue and is very quick to let you know when she's in the room. She loves to announce her presence loudly and attack toes. She adores Doug and tolerates me.
Poor Collette, she is still jumpy at all the extra noises in this big house and knows it's safe under the bed. She's getting better. At first, Gigi (who is little) intimidated her because she is so vocal. I think she's getting out of it, they even play now. Just the other day she body-checked Gigi on the way to her food bowl. NOTHING gets between Collette and her food bowl.
Meet Pierre Rabbit. He's a 3-4 year old lop-eared bunny of some variety. Pierre loves to play with the cats. His first night here he chased Gigi around the couch several times. Instead of a dog and pony show, we had a cat and bunny show! They all seemed to enjoy playing together. Pierre lives in his cage unless we are around since he enjoys electrical cords. I think he's getting used to us. He's kinda scruffy but sweet tempered.
Dinner for two on the front porch. MMMMM. Potatoes with goat cheese.
I love this picture -- the way the barn ruins seem to rise up out of the overgrowth like they will always be there -- hopefully, so will we.

oh internet!

2005-08-27T00:48:00.000-05:00

....how I've missed you.

I think I've browsed the neglected blogs of folks that I've poked in a while. Tomorrow I get to catch up on emails and post a real entry here.

Well this IS real, I know. I had to do some shopping online tonight and got caught in some stuff. Have finally purged the digital camera of it's house-picture guts so there will be many many pictures for your viewing enjoyment. Hopefully I'll get them posted over coffee or something.

MMMMM coffee. Why am I not tired? Well, the kitties are wooing me to bed, so I might as well go. Another day of lawn and garden mayhem ahead. Have I mentioned the killer case of poison ivy that D and I are recovering from? Massive, miserable stuff. I'm still scabby, ick. We have found some wonderful products to combat it though-- Tecnu and Cala-Gel are my new favorite products.

by the way, I'm currently addicted to this track -- check it out here.

poem

2005-08-19T08:41:00.000-05:00

I did not call you last night
as the midnight whipoorwill mourned
my chocolate frosted lips - unlicked-
and the coital scent of cocoa
saturated the air.

I did not miss you last night--
did not recall how your shoulders eclipse
the kitchen light and my shadow
did not fight to exist. My cheeks
did not burn
against the humid song of crickets.

I did not dream of you last night
feral and crouched
over my perfect chocolate cake.

and then there were four

2005-08-12T16:14:00.000-05:00

I came home yesterday a dead chicken in the driveway. Not just any dead chicken, but the one chicken that has a name. Lucky. Probably the most "tame" and my favorite. There were four clumps of feathers and a dead Lucky. An eerie silence prevailed, I was sure something had gotten the others.

After my initial freak out (calling Doug near tears) one of the chickens appeared. I was convinces something had carted off almost all the chickens except her and Lucky. She wouldn't let me anywhere near her. So I went upstairs and changed out of my work clothes so I could go hunt for carcasses, I could hear her in the side yard "bocking" her head off, as if she were calling for her friends and didn't know where they were. I had no idea what to do for her, since chickens have trouble knowing how to, well, be chickens, without other chickens around.

But by the time I came downstairs (20 minutes) the rest of the chickens had sifted out from hiding. Welcome to farm life. I bagged up Lucky for a proper burial. She'd obviously been mauled by a dog, the place where the most damage was between the neck and middle of the back. It just shook her and chased her and shook her and chased her until she stopped moving and it got bored and left. I wouldn't be as upset if it was something that at least ATE her, or part of her.

So the chickens are penned up today, they have a small chicken yard around the coop, Doug and I are considering expanding it, and getting a few more chickens. Then we'll only let them out when we're there. It's a shame though, because they like to roam.

*sigh*

But, there are 4 chickens which is better than one and better than none and Lucky had a proper burial.

Oh and we got a really cool package in the mail, too. E2 you absolutely rock. I've smudged every place I've ever lived and hadn't gotten around to the new place yet. I freaked out when I saw what was in the package -- I was like "how the hell did she know?" Thanks so much.

I'll have to return the favor. Can I mail fresh eggs?

We're getting settled now. The cats are getting a little more used to each other. We're waiting for the happy kitty glade plug in to arrive to help Collette. She still prefers to hide most of the time.

Aside from the house, no really deep thoughts. I understand now, how things change -- with so much to do every day -- the really deep thoughts just dribble away when we pass out at night. I think though that it gets better. It feels like as we get more settled, I can pick stuff up again. Poetry is calling to me. So are my books. We have our books and CD's unpacked (fully integrated, no "his" shelf or "her" shelf pretty wild, eh?) and the books are calling to me.

We will not have internet until the 23rd of August at which point someones in FL, the UK, and NH will get in depth response emails. Maybe sooner if I work it right. After that point, I think I'm going to start a food blog. I'm getting a real kick out of food blogging, it's so entertaining. If you get a chance you can check out my favorite food blog "Dispensing Happiness" (in the sidebar) and see what I mean.

We have some friends coming up this weekend. The original plan was to go out to dinner. Lately I'm more interested in being home. I mean, the property is huge, the house is big, and I love to cook -- why go out? No air conditioning is part of that, but we're pretty much getting used to it. I would like to cook.

So these folks have some serious food issues. One of them is a picky vegetarian and the other has some stomach issues and both of them are admant in their likes and dislikes of foods. Like tomatoes. I love tomatoes and the tend to end up in many of the things I cook that are worthy of entertaining. But it was a challenge to come up with a menu that should satisfy everyone.

Here's what I've got for my fancy picky dinner party. Outdoors of course. And there will be a campfire to bring in the evening.

Menu

Beverages:
iced white tea infused w/ lemon balm syrup and lavender
pear nectar w/ seltzer and mint

Soup:
chilled cucumber-dill-yogurt soup

Salad:
mixed spring greens & sorrel w/ toasted almonds
blood orange/pear vinaigrette

frosty shot of Sambucca

Main:
Roasted red potatoes w/ chevre and herbs de provence
Grilled Eggplant and Vidalia onion slices

Not-Fish:
Lemon braised artichokes w/ drawn butter

Cheese:
"Drunken goat" (aged in port wine), plain chevre, and brie
melba toast rounds

Dessert:
grilled peach halves w/ fresh thyme and honey glaze
stuffed with dried blueberries reconstitued with green tea
and a dollop of creme fraiche

Spiced Apple Wine and S'mores later in the evening

hopefully this all works out!

moved

2005-08-05T11:27:00.000-05:00

We are in place at Barnhenge.

Wednesday we arrived at the new place for the final walk-through just as the skies split open and poured. Unusual for this area, it immediately cooled off at least 10 degrees. So despite the humidity it was much cooler -- so we decided to pack the truck overnight. I think we went to bed between 5 and 5:30 a.m.

(this is where I praise Raven for sticking around until 1:30 to help us after running around with me in the heat all day)

Thursday we got a call from the owner at 9:30 saytng that the closer called him and they wouldn't be able to go until 4:30 p.m. instead of the 11:30 it was originally slated for. He told us to go ahead and get started. That was so incredibly cool of him. So we headed to the house. Doug and I unloaded the damned thing ourselves -- fortunately, we could back the truck up almost to the door and it remained somewhat cool throughout the day.

At some point I freaked out and said I just couldn't do anymore because I was exhausted and kept bumping into things. Doug is so sweet, he just listens patiently for me to finish and talk myself out of it and hugs me if I need it. Realizing that we really did have to keep moving, I put on a Give 'Em the Boot CD compilation which kept me going -- and so I got my 5th wind.

It's so amazing walking into a house and realizing that it's yours -- in this case, ours -- which is an even bigger thing.

After we got the first truckload unloaded we kept shuffling things around, getting things upstairs that needed to go and so forth. Erica showed up with her little girl, so I *had* to take a break and give them a tour of the property. This involved me having to sling her daughter, Eve, over my shoulder for most of the trek, since we got briar-logged. My legs are still shredded.

Of course this was an excuse to play with the hose and chat with Erica on the back steps for a bit. Raven showed up with her husband and we started working after a chill out session on the front porch (! porch !). Erica, bless her, started putting my kitchen together -- the niftiest part of that is I picked up later where she left off and she did absolutely everything the way I would have. That's just so cool.

Doug went to closing and spent lots and lot and LOTS of money.

He came back. My brother Devin came over and he and Derek and Doug went for the last load (insert heartrending separation of Collette and Cheshire here. Okay, Collette more than Cheshire was upset).

We got the truck unloaded and back to the U-Haul place around 1:30 a.m.

Friday we get up and get moving to unpack more stuff. Collette is now living under the bed. It's safe there.

It started to warm up some -- did I mention this house has no AC? Uh huh. There is a window unit in the bedroom. But it's not too bad. I also get to feed the chicken and collect the first eggs! Yay eggs. We go to the apartment to set it up for Courtney who will be staying there during a tattoo convention -- air mattress and stuff.

Get back at 2:30 and leave for the airport. Somehow we get to the airport despite backups on the back roads. We get there at 4:01 and our flight is at 4:20 at the furthest section of the furthest terminal. Somehow, we made it in the door and on the plane in 19 minutes. Amazing.

Fly to NH where we are picked up by some lunatics who take us on a cross country joyride complete with strippers, booze and crazy misadventures. Okay well it was Jon and Turtle, wearing the latest in fashion, the Doug Shirt. I'll post a picture, after we go online at home but lets just say it's quite creative. Well, they thought they were being creative, but it might have been instigated by the fumes from the spray paint.

bonfire beer friends nice time fell asleep in the dirt around 11 p.m.

Went to Newicks for lunch on Saturday and had my first lobster roll! Then went to this wonderful witchy shop called Misty Meadows with Jen. I loved that place -- found some yummy herbs that I'd been looking for and got all kinds of ideas for the new place. This shop is a learning center, as well and the owner has a huge property used for herb growing and so forth. I was very impressed and really wanted to stick around and chat some more, alas, they had to close for the day.

Spent the night at Doug's parent's house. Well, one of them, anyway. They're such cool people. Doug and Jon and his Dad went and got the U Haul -- only to be told there were none. 2 hours later they had given up on U Haul (they did have a reservation, too) and had gone to Budget when the U Haul people called and said they might have found a truck. I think he told them where to stick it.

They loaded up furniture from his parents -- the furniture his grandparents bought when they first got married in 1938 not in perfect shape but very nice and well, we like it.

We drove from Maine to our our apt in Delaware, rounded up the last items, chatted with Court a bit and then headed to the house. Unloaded all the furniture and passed out.

Somehow we made it through the next few days of work. We've been going to bed late every night, and spending evenings moving and assembling furniture and so forth. Oh and did I mention it's been up near 100 degrees each day since we got back. Superspecial.

But there is so much good. Like watching the chickens run helter-skelter out of the coop in the mornings and being able to actually do laundry without going to the laundromat (i LOATHE the laundromat). I'll touch on those things later.

Eventually we'll have the internet set up and all that stuff. Collette has com eout from under the bed. Mainly because we got another kitty who decided that under the bed was the safe place. This kitty is a bit younger than Collette and hisses. Collette does not have a foul mouth like that and is quite put off by it. The new kitty is GiGi and she will probably end up being quite sweet. She is just scared-ish right now.

Anyway, that's all for now. Seems very just the facts-ish but I'll add more.

*note - I stumbled across a pile of moonflowers last night. they ringed around an ashy circle from the barn burning down. like white faced phoenixes, the silky petals were just starting to open as the sun set low and red through the haze of late summer. just beyond them was the biggest thistle I've ever seen, looming beyond the brush - a prickly guardian.

both of these plants are personal totem plants to me -- there was something so right about it. I was finally able to exhale all the stress of the past months.

packing

2005-07-27T15:45:00.000-05:00

boxes and boxes all over the place. today the heat is amazing, to boot. Raven has been carting the baby and myself all over helping to tie up some loose ends and keeping me company.

last night we were up until 3 a.m. doing pedicures. that was nice.

so today may be the last night here. at this stage, no news is good news I think. i really really REALLY want a cigarette right now.

...so progress is good. We unfortunately have very little "muscle" help due to the timing so I'm really looking forward to the short trip to New England area this weekend. My mind is too busy to try to make any arrangments up there so I just have phone numbers. 'Spose that works.

Also the Cheshire cat is going back to his people.... which is rather sad, but good since they need a cat.

Well back to packing. If anyone ends up 'round here, and wants to lift some boxes, stop on by. :)

this was rather fun....

2005-07-23T09:22:00.000-05:00

You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator.

"And The Goddess planted the acorn of life.
She cried a single tear and shed a single drop
of blood upon the earth where she buried it.
From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into
the world."

Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek),
Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian).
The Goddess is associated with the concept of
creation, the number 1, and the element of
earth.
Her sign is the dawn sun.

As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic
individual and people are drawn to you.
Although sometimes you may seem emotionally
distant, you are deeply in tune with other
people's feelings and have tremendous empathy.
Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your
own self. Goddesses are the best friends to
have because they're always willing to help.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hrmmmm

2005-07-21T22:10:00.000-05:00

I was just checking my StatCounter thingie.

Things that bring up my blog? Well, naked strong women seems to be a hit. As was Dali. The best so far was someone in Miami do a Yahoo! search for ... okay let me look at this again...

"undergrown porn pictures"

what the HELL is that supposed to be? Kinky mole sex?

Sheesh. I wonder if it was supposed to be underGROUND..... people look up the weirdest stuff.

I'm not sure if that's worse than the Texan Yahoo! search for "pics of sexy women down in the mud"

c'mon girls we can fill that niche can't we?

swampwater

2005-07-20T19:58:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like a weathervane and life is one f-ed up windstorm.

I need to get out of my job, I think. Doug's lucky if he can get me to talk to him for more than a few minutes -- I just want to be left the hell alone by anything with a voice by the time I get home. Now the house is delayed AGAIN, and I have had so much rage built today that I thought I would explode. So I basically get accused of being negative. Yes, I am being negative, what reason do I have to be positive? I have no control over this situation at all, I have very little technical say in this situation. I do NOT want to be placated. When I'm sad,okay, when I'm mad, platitudes will piss me off even more. Just give me something to break.

I eat other people's negativity for a living. That's what I do. If I didn't care about people it wouldn't be a big deal, but instead, I do care, I care enough to really try to make things all better. So people go away feeling better and by the end of the day I swear my innards look like swamp water.

So by the end of the day, I'm sick of empathizing, I'm sick of listening actively and responding, I'm sick of hearing how things make someone feel or having to figure out why they're really upset, I'm sick of solving problems, I'm sick making excuses, and I'm sick of teaching.

*sigh*

This does not make me a very good fiance, friend, or sister. I think that the position is noble, and is neccessary but my skin is too thin to do it for much longer and still have healthy relationships. But it's sad when my friend who's got problems right now goes to me for advise/support but I can't have a chatty interesting conversation with my fiance like she can because I'm too full of swampwater.

powerful hankerin'

2005-07-17T00:09:00.000-05:00

i was just re reading and email an almost long lost friend sent and getting ready to reply when she mentioned something about me being water sensitive. at that exact moment i craved the sea. going to bed. it's 1 a.m. gonna get up in 2 hours and d and I are gonna drag ass to the beach to watch the sun come up. well, it's rainy, at least watch it get light out.

sometimes you just need the salt air. it's true. not until i read that sentence did i realize i'd been away too long.

*

fat lip, pics, and kitties too!

2005-07-16T17:07:00.000-05:00

<--- such a cute kid. This is Morgan, my godson and the son of one of my best friends, Raven. I just love this picture so I had to share it.

In other news, I currently look as if Doug has popped me one in the mouth-- he has not -- I had a root canal! Oh the excitement.

This is just the beginning of an extensive series of dental work I'm going to have to have done, mainly because I procrastinated. I have, I think, two other root canals coming. Yuck. After that I get to have an extraction and three implants. Maybe after that, I'll really go on a bender and have my palate repaired, perhaps I'll go back to wearing an expander. Maybe then my jaw will stop popping.

You'd think that the part of my body that gets the most excercise would be in shape!

It's been pouring on and off all day today. Big fat juicy summer rain that makes you want to run around half dressed and play in the mud. We should have been moving, but that's been delayed. So -- no mud to play in but also no rain to move in. This works out for the best I suppose.

As you may be able to tell by the recent increase in pictures, Doug and I are the proud new parents of a digital camera. A pretty good one at that. I like it. I particularly like the manual setting that allows adjustment of the shutter speed and aperature. I also really dig that I can delete the not so good stuff and not feel wasteful. My job it to learn how to use it then teach Doug. So... fun stuff. I'll share a few out of the most recent batch.

Oh yeah, and I REALLY enjoy the whole cropping and editing the pics. As E2 said somewhere... once a yearbook editor, always a yearbook editor. (I wasn't an editor but a layout and photo geek. *grin*) So I figured I'd share some of my world. If pictures and captions bore you, then stop here.
Here's Collette. I think in another life, she was a bunny. She doesn't know it but when Cheshire, our foster cat, goes back to his people, she is getting a new friend. Her new friend is a Russian Blue kitty named Gigi who is a few months younger than she is. Collette will also be getting a bunny friend that I've been told actually likes cats. I'm ridiculously amused by pets.

This is me. This is me in my red dress. Every woman needs a red dress and sparkly earings. Please excuse the extra chin. I usually keep a spare handy.

Cheshire cat is not sure he approves of whatever it is that Raven is doing to the noisy, new kitten but at least she's keeping it quiet.

Doug is apparently talking to Jon. How Jon got into that plastic thingy, I don't know. Sometimes, it's best to let men have their little fantasies.

This is the robotic leg of the last cyborg that messed with me! Mwahahahaha!

Okay, no. It's a steering column. One of the odd assortment of car parts currently residing under my desk at work.

This is why I like the red dress. This, I think, is why Doug likes it too.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

blue

2005-07-13T22:10:00.000-05:00

...so no closing on Friday. I'm am done being mad. At some point, it makes no sense to be actively angry over something that cannot be changed. The energy is better spent elsewhere. We will be going to settlement on the house next Friday, instead.

In the meantime, I suppose that gives me more time to pace things out and not feel so frantic, which is good.

I've also remembered that I should be working on wedding planning. Yikes. So I've come to a startling discovery... okay, not really so startling. Most of the Rennaisance-style weddings I've seen are not exactly to my tastes. I don't want "historical accuracy". I want "influenced by"... see, perfectionist that I am, I know that if I go for historical accuracy then no one will get half of what's going on.

The other not-so-big suprise is that most pictures I've seen of people who have done a Ren-wedding are full of folks who are generally, well,... I don't know how to say this nicely.... dorks. The type who probably are really into their Warhammer figures, attend SCA campouts, like to LARP in costume, and the quite buxom (i.e. rotund) women really enjoy wearing bondage gear that they should really avoid.

....okay -- the above statement obviously proves my hypocrisy since I know exactly what every item in the above paragraph is, and more. I suppose my point is that whereas a Rennaisance wedding is somewhat unique in some ways, in my (former) circles it's quite common AND aside from Gilmore Girls, nearly all the Ren-brides I've seen are rather rotund dork-women like myself. So I suppose part of me is hearing the voice in others' head "fat chick+dork+Rennaissance wedding = no shit, really?! hah!"

and here I was trying to get away from all that.

I just want to marry my honey and have fun at it. I really want anyone who attends to have fun. I can't be true to period and have that happen since most my gamer-goth-dork friends have either grown up and away like I have or stayed there while I moved on.

*

oh well, it'll sort itself out. My dieting has fallen well by the wayside, so has my exercise -- have to get back on those things.

*

I had lunch with my mother on Saturday. (that's my mom)

It was so nice. We sat outdoors at a cafe/coffee shop/restraunt that I frequent and had one of those long leisurly lunches where you don't really eat too much but it feels like it since you savor your food and talk. If every meal could be that relaxed, I'd be skinny. I loved getting to talk to mom in that setting.

I think I'm feeling closer than ever to her -- in some ways because mortality is weighing on me so heavily lately. I've desperately been trying to come to peace with it. Some days I have anxiety attacks that are absolutely overwhelming. It's as if part of my brain is saying "There! There! There's the big picture! Lookit! Over there!" and I know that if I look at it too hard I will literally lose my mind. I am very capable of seeing it.

Life is like grief in so many ways.

There are different stages of grief, and it's been pretty much proven that you need to work through every one of those in order to get to the end. Being aware of those stages sometimes makes it worse when you are doing the grieving. Some part of you is standing in the back wondering why you have to go through this step, since you are conscious that it is neccessary. This part of you, if you let it, will completely invalidate your grief since now it has a name and a function -- it is very tempting to go through the motions but not really do it.

That is my life right now.

I "get" things that maybe we as the peons we are, weren't meant to "get", sometimes -- and oh I miss ignorance. I'm finding it harder and harder to become involved in lesser desires, needs, plans, these things are so temporal. So while I fight with myself to to the living I know I need to do, I am alternately apathetic or appalled how little some of these battles seem in the long run. Right now this house and wedding are all- consuming. In two years, I will wonder why I lost sleep. I know this. I knew this when I was a teenager and didn't share my angst, upset very well since I knew that compared to my mother's worries, they were nothing.

This is my life. I want to live it. I remember when 80 seemed ancient. Now it doesn't seem very long at all -- if I get there -- conversely last year seemed like so long ago. In perspective I know every year will feel like a long time. I know in the grand scheme of things every year is not. I am scared of dying more than any fear ever, it paralyzes me completely. There -- it's out -- I've never ever dared to write that. I know that if I make it to 80 -- I'll probably start feeling exhausted and the prospect of death may feel like a welcome nap.

I embrace the full circle of the tree of life as a philosophy. My rational mind accepts this. My inner screaming selfish mortal doesn't want to hear it.

*

This is where I am. This is why I'm not writing. This is why I plug into puzzle games from 10 p.m. until whenver. This is why I am apparently on a mission to turn my brain into Jell-O.

This is also why I need to get off my ass and do something with what blessings I've been given.

*

signing out

maybe

2005-07-11T18:37:00.000-05:00

maybe next week we'll close. odds are, not this Friday as planned. Will know for sure tomorrow. Doug and I are so frustrated.

Fix goat sketties will be back later.

in the meantime, this made me laugh:

click on the sexy whacko.

Lightening Bug Porn

2005-07-09T23:22:00.000-05:00

Yes, yes, I am here. I have not had and hopefully am narrowly avoiding a nervous breakdown. Work is getting pretty busy. I had expected complaints to come rolling in my area after the holiday... they waited a week and then hit. But still, busier than usual. On top of everything else that's going on, it's frustrating. I used to have Fridays and Saturdays off and while it is nice to have "normal" hours, I'm realizing even more how not geared to "normal" hours most things are-- doctors, contractors, some stores and so forth. I just don't have enough time in my 45 minute lunch break to eat and make calls. Going to the doctors must involve using my paid time off. But.... I enjoy my Sundays, so I guess that's the trade.

Our 4th was pretty uneventful. I know the weekend had my associates in Philadelphia freaked out. Live 8 basically closed off many blocks of space (no traffic whatsoever) and the surrounding area, plus the flow in and out of the city would be tough. I, personally, would be pissed if I spent the kind of money the folks in the Art Museum District did for housing and then had to deal with it getting flooded with people. However, props to Philly, the city legendary for rabid sports fans, for not having any riots at least.

I was mentioning to Doug how much Live 8 bothered me. I mean -- okay -- I respect that celebrities use their status to help heighten awareness of certain causes. They donate their time, money, and name to these things -- I appreciate that aside from being good for their image, many of them firmly believe in whatever they are supporting and have the attitude that they are fortunate and should try to give back. BUT, I'm not sure I really 'get' the purpose behind Live 8. The cause is good, sure. They're not raising any money, since last time the money was squandered. It has been basically decided that Africa's debt would be forgiven. So ummm, does anyone really BELIVE that millions of people went out to support the cause. No, they went out for a free show and a good excuse to party.

I suppose what my point really is, is what the hell did it do for any starving Africans? Seriously, I'm sure that when they heard that some American got up at 4 a.m. to stake out a place in the city for a free concert ate, drank, and headed to their comfy home to finish the holiday weekend-- I mean, really endured the traffic the heat and crowd -- just to support their cause, whichever poor bastard heard that really felt so much better and so grateful that on that day their 1/2 cup of gruel and gravel was almost satisfying.

I just don't get it, sometimes. Just like our society to try to find ways to pat ourselves on the back without really accomplishing anything. If we're gonna give lip service we could at least swallow.

*
Anyway.

*

The acutal weekend was pretty good. The best part was the fireworks. The neighbor at the new place (by neighbor, I mean 1 mile away) puts on a proffessional-grade fireworks display which is visible from what will be out side yard. This is amazing.

Of course aside from fireworks, just watching the lightning bugs was a show-- they scattered in the dense undergrown and trees like fallen stars -- creating new constellations every few seconds.

It seemed that once the fireworks were underway, they did get a bit more worked up. Allison started laughing and said that they were looking up at the sky going "I love her...."

Great, now I'll always thing of the fireworks as lightening bug porn.

*

Oh oh OH.. I got kitty stickers and a cool card in the mail from E2-- which was very exciting, and thank you very much, as well as the whole pile of bunny info. AND I have this weird festish for stickers, so that makes it even better. The bunny info is so very cool. Thank you!

*

This may be our last weekend here. Kind of scary. We haven't beaten up our mortgage broker yet. In fact, there are lots of facets of our situation that are wonderful, and I can see where she is a creative thinker. Perhaps Doug and I basically got all riled up by the original B.S. that we were on the defensive for so much else. Of course, not procrastinating in the first place would have solved that altogether. So we don't recommend the company, or her, unless you're prepared to be aggressive trying to ensure the pacing doesn't fall behind.

*

I've got so many estimates, my estimates have estimates.

*

Doug and I bough a digital camera. Yay!!! I'm so exicted. Of course as soon as I figure out the software I'll be posting pics.

*

Lunch with Mom today... will write more on that later. It's bedtime. It's so bedtime. Not much sleep last night -- wedding reception, much gin and tonic for this girl. NOW I'm tired.

$70,000 + (not even Canadian)

2005-06-30T22:41:00.000-05:00

this is what the windows & siding guy said it would cost to do the house, more if they run into any problems.

i almost fell down.

BUT doug's talked to some others who say that it really seems like too much, and even has a second opinion set up for tomorrow.

........so funny, i never once thought there was any instance where i would hope someone was trying to rip us off. i'm hoping the dude saw new homeowners + old house + construction loan + under pressure and figured he could really make a helluva profit OR he not interested in taking the job, jacked up the price, and figured if we bit then they could push their other work around for the higher profit margin, but if we didn't then, oh well.

I hope tomorrow's estimate goes better. Still waiting on the kitchen.

....more good news -- when Cheshire:

that's him ---->

goes back to his original people (once they're settled in their new house)

Collette, below, gets a new playmate, a Russian Blue kitty named Gigi who is about the same age

(I didn't name her, how appropriate is that? )

Yay, another kitty and a bunny.

*just keeping up with the happy thoughts*

oh boy

2005-06-29T21:37:00.000-05:00

today Doug and and I were multi tasking -- he met with the windows & siding guy, I met with the kitchen guy. I think I made out better with the kitchen guy who wasn't making comments about maybe tearing the place down and starting fresh....

so the kitchen stuff is coming along, which is cool. the siding stuff is coming a long which is cool.

the mortgage company, however, has lost three potential clients because of the way they're handling this. seriously, they should be careful who they fuck up with because well, Doug and I are of the age where we're buying our first house. this means that many of our - my - friend are in the house buy market as well, some of them ready to upgrade from their first house. good referrals are the best advertising.

we're getting so fed up by the fact that the broker has been screwing around with this since April -- we started in April, since we knew there was going to be a lot involved. We got a freakin' head start because we knew the house needed some work and stuff, we told them, even. Now, in between answering personal phone calls while meeting with Doug and her boss, she is saying why might need to move the close date back.

oh no she didn't.

if we have to move the close date, we're going elsewhere. the only reason we're still putting up with this is because it's so close to settlement. i'm so mad about it. a lot of this stuff we new was going to happen, and that's why we started early -- we the customer, who do not work in realty knew this.

*sigh*

so frustrating. i know it will work out in the long run, it's just aggrivating now. especially since the broker is an aquaintance. her niece is one of my best friends and is absolutely mortified. i don't want her to feel like she's to blame and she's an awfully good listener about it.

anyway........

so I'm getting a lop-eared bunny! free with accessories. how cool is that. AND the bunny is used to living with cats, so that's a bonus.

Weekend Fun

2005-06-25T20:30:00.000-05:00

..has been canceled due to illness. I'm up to about 75 percent. Still forget to eat and to feed the Doug. I promised him a meal at some point.

This morning I got up before 8 a.m., Doug went to the store for supplies, came back and I proceed to make about 20 lbs of potato salad. I was supposed to go to James and Amy' s going away party (they are moving to Buffalo -- Buffalo!!) but had to bail. I had however, committed to potato salad so I couldn't leave them without it. As of this morning I was on antibiotics for 24 hrs so I know the food wouldn't be contaminated. I made two big containers of American potato salad and one of German (mainly for Amy -- I hope she liked it) I still had enough left over to make a big mixing bowl full for Doug, myself and whomever drops by.

German potato salad is a matter of contention in certain circles -- there are several devout schools of thought. They all involve vinegar and bacon -- so it can't be bad anyway.

Two big debates are: to mayonaise or not to mayonaise and hot or cold.

I make mine with mayo and cold. It doesn't need much mayo but I love the flavour after it's been in the fridge for a few days.

Laura's German-Style Potato Salad

Ha! did you really think I'd let you in on this? It's SOOO top secret.

When it's made warm, it's pretty good though, you peel, dice, and boil potatoes. Fry up some bacon, reserve the grease. Season with garlic or whatever. Maybe some onion...maybe. Drain the potatoes when done. Douse with vineagar, mix in the bacon and some of the reserved grease drizzled in -- salt and pepper. Servce warm. Pretty yummy in a heart clogging kind of way.

Of course in this house, part of the recipe involved keeping an eye on Doug or he'll snag the bacon before I'm done with it! (Of course I'm just as bad at my mother's house so I guess it's my due)

Now to go pack some stuff and pray that the move and all that goes with it goes on time. Otherwise my early preparation tactics will be for naught.

Happy Thoughts

2005-06-24T17:03:00.000-05:00

...you'd think that the head/lung infection stuff would've happened when I was smoking. It was a bronchitis-free winter. sheesh. Anyway, so it's just a severe sinus infection. Cool thing is that the Doc said my lungs sounded crystal clear. This is cool. I was afraid it was bronchitis. I woke up yesterday almost crying because my face just... hurt. Everything hurt. Doug went out and got me meds before he even went to work.

As for the previous post and the scope of horrors... I don't feel like getting into it now. I'm distracted. I'll let the cobwebs hang out with the dust rhinos in that corner of my brain. Avoidance should be a marketable skill (hold on, I think the other word for that is 'politics')

So since I'm home, I've been put to work doing reseach on the internet and making phone calls. I am so fed up with out mortgage company at this point. We started early with them, since I know the broker and because we knew there'd be first time homebuyer hurdles. Anyway... long story short, it got pushed to the backburner until crunch time (we're supposed to go to settlement in three weeks) and the underwriter decided that she didn't like the appraisal and stuff needed to be done to the house before they'd agree to the mortgage but couldn't say exactly what and dicked around with that for a while (and I have issues with the appraisal in the first place) and finally the broker who is trying to work it out for us comes up with the idea that the loan can be one where they include renovation money.

So here' s how I understand it to work. We have the mortgage for the selling price of the house. On top of that we have estimate for various items they'd like to see done (windows, siding, and kitchen). They add that money to the mortgate amount and put it in escrow. When we make the repair, they give us the money. If we HAVE the money for the repair, we can turn around and pay off that much of the mortgage, since after it leaves the escrow, that amount gets added to the total cost of the home. If we don't have it, then we use it to pay the contractor.

So -- good thing is that some of the stuff we were going to put off a bit are going to get done faster. Bad thing is that we're going to be mortgaged up to our eyeballs. Fortunately my income is not being taken into account for these decisions (everything is in Doug's name) so that means that what I earn is like a secret weapon of sorts.

*

I really hope this all works out. So the research I've been doing has been on kitchen design. I love to cook and feed people and stuff. My hub is the kitchen. Currently the house has a functioning kitchen upstairs in what used to be a hallway -- the "new kitchen" is an unfinished room on the first floor, that's been built as an addition onto the house.

So at least there will be no teardown for the contractor, and everything really will be starting fresh. I just have to find one. Right now we have a refferral that's enough to get an estimate in. He's a friend of the current owner. What cool is when speaking to him he said that he'd be stopping by on Sunday to visit so he'd get the measurements then. I'm hoping that the company is flexible enough to work with us (okay, me.) For example I'm really into Marmoleum which is a more environmentally friendly approach to linoleum than vinyl. I don't know if they'll be able to do that, I hope so. I'd also like to cut costs by doing the stuff that I can do myself -- painting for example, why pay someone to paint? I'd also really like the kitchen to be as eco-friendly as possible without being too expensive. Efficient appliances are a big part of that, paints that don't off-gas too much -- I have an article about paints made from non-toxic material and processes somewhere, sustainable wood cabinets -- that kind of thing.

I'm rambling. But with all the work we have to do, eventually this operation will be up and running.

This is my happy thought...............

This is a baby nubian goat right about the size of the one that I got to play with on Sunday. I love the floppy ears.
Doug and I are going to raise goats. Hopefully I'll be able to use the milk to make cheese, yogurt, and maybe even lotions or soaps (goats milk is the new thing in moisturizers and stuff) We met with a friend of a friend who breeds goats for an overview. He was so interesting! But I learned a lot -- got to try my hand at milking -- and he even offered me a truckload of compost if I wanted it when I started my garden at the new place (really good, rich stuff). So I think he's cool with me.

Now we just have to get the house so all this can happen. Goats won't happen until after the wedding most likely, since we'll be on honeymoon for a month and I don't want to bother any of my friends into caring for them. We'll already need someone to visit the chickens every day, and take care of the cats. I was hoping to get my friend Mike to house-sit, but I dont' know how likely that will be if he's in school or something.

So..... who wants to house, cats, and chicken sit? Any suggestions on the house stuff would be greatly welcome too....

Today's Scope

2005-06-24T09:20:00.000-05:00

My horoscope today:

"Today's celestial energy is shining light into all those cobweb-filled corners of your brain. You know the place, where all those feelings are stored that you'd really rather not revisit. It's going to be hard to hide today. Expect old events to come back to haunt you. Repressed dreams may come back with a vengeance. Try not to drown these feelings out, dear Taurus. Write your thoughts down, take a walk and really contemplate the lessons you need to learn from these experiences."

Nice......

Doctor's appointment in an hour. At least will get a note for work to say, yes, I have indeed been ill for the three days I've been out. I forgot to change my voicemail message before this morning and had 11 messages -- grrreeeattt. So I checked them and called a few people back and left messages. Hopefully they don't just hit their caller ID and call me back at home!

*

I'm going to have to get back to the horror-scope thing. Basically it encapsulates not today -- but the past month or more.

*

Dali

2005-06-22T19:10:00.000-05:00

Lot's going on here -- I forget to write about the important stuff, sometimes, and get distracted.

For example, a few weeks ago Doug and I went to the Philadelphia Museum of Art and saw the Salvador Dali show -- it was so incredibly inspiring and formidable. I was saturated with information when we left. It also makes me feel pretty elite -- like I know something. In fact they extended the time frame that the show was running because it was doing so well, tickets sold out on the extension but my honey got them in time. I really was fortunate to get to go see that because the exhibit culled pieces from several different museums and I may be wrong but not far from right in saying that I think it was the only North American showing of this exhibit.

Interestingly enough the Met was doing an exhibit on Max Ernst around the same time as the Dali exhibit. If I were a true devotee I would have made it up there, too. I am not. I think I'm still processing information from the Dali exhibit. We bought a print -- nothing like "Soft Construction with Boiled Beans" but one of his earlier works... I was also impressed with some of his later stuff.

Some things I took away --

1. Dali's approach to surrealism was truer, I think, than Ernst or a predecessor DiChirico, he was a realist painter, who painted his dreams with the same kind of clarity one might approach a portrait or a still life. I love this about his work, and it disturbs me to know there was someone running around with that kind of detail in his head. He did a still life -- bread in a basket blahdiblah that looked like a photo.

2. Dali had deep-seated woman issues. (who doesn't tricky critters that we are) But now I know that the women in his portraits are not random the two most used were his sister (who is in the print we bought) and his wife Gala.

3. If I ever think Doug is crazy refer to Dali's obsession with Millet's painting "The Angelus" He took his interpretation so incredibly far. In overview, he was convinced that rather than being a pastoral painting of two peasants, head's bowed in prayer, pausing in their work to do so -- he saw the woman as a praying mantis prepared to eat the man's head after coitus AND the man is into that (notice his hat over his private area -- according to Dali, he is hiding an erection)

4. Many of his painting feature a crutch of some sort holding something up. Basically most items being propped up by this crutch were elongate, disproportionate, or phallic. I don't have the quote exactly but Dali visualized them supporting the government (Spanish civil war) wanted to give them a sizeable kick and see what would happen.

This prop is a relic from Dali's childhood -- as explained in part by this quote from http://www.doubletakeart.com states "Quite by accident, Pitchot provided a prop that would serve Dali for most of his artistic life, when the young painter came across a crutch during his exploration of Pitchot's attic. " Further, from the audio tour of the exhibit, apparently he used this prop to poke and prod and otherwise torment a girl he was fond of at that time -- so you see it as a sexual extension of sorts. There are many ideas of the representation of the crutch -- due to the often sexual nature of Dali's work and his Freudian perspectives I'm going with the first.

From http://www.countyhallgallery.com their symbol glossary of Dali's work states "The crutch is one of Dali’s most important images and features in many of his works. It is first and foremost a symbol of reality and an anchor in the ground of the real world, providing spiritual and physical support for inadequacy in life. The crutch is also the symbol of tradition, upholding essential human values." I believe this to be bunk, as a generalization, much the same way archetypes in dream analyzation are often bunk. In fact, since so much of Dali's inspiration is from dreams, then I will stand firmly in my conviction. A cigar may just be a cigar, unless you are a certain intern :) Get it ? Good.

....there's more but I'm tired of writing about this at the moment. Besides, this is the first halfway intelligent thing I've written in ages.

okay this IS funny

2005-06-20T12:52:00.000-05:00

I got this in an email today -- in lieu of forwarding it across the world, I just post it here, where it can be ignored by those who want to ignore it.

I started out as a social thinker and told myself I could stop whenever I wanted but before I knew it I had an uncontrollable thinking problem.

It began innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I asked my wife about the meaning of life. She told me I thought too much and went back to reading her romance novel.

I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I didn't care if it was hardcover or paperback.

I roared into the parking lot with Mozart blaring from the radio and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, a poster caught my eye: "Friend. Is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster, which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. Today, I registered to vote as a Democrat...

Drop Dead Fred

2005-06-13T09:10:00.000-05:00

Okay, so yeah, Drop Dead Fred is one of my favorite movies (I don't care if it's cheesy, snotface)...

... and I'm getting some crap on never having an imaginary friend, now.

So, what I really want to know is who was (is) your imaginary friend, and what did they do? Tell me about them.