blue
...so no closing on Friday. I'm am done being mad. At some point, it makes no sense to be actively angry over something that cannot be changed. The energy is better spent elsewhere. We will be going to settlement on the house next Friday, instead.
In the meantime, I suppose that gives me more time to pace things out and not feel so frantic, which is good.
I've also remembered that I should be working on wedding planning. Yikes. So I've come to a startling discovery... okay, not really so startling. Most of the Rennaisance-style weddings I've seen are not exactly to my tastes. I don't want "historical accuracy". I want "influenced by"... see, perfectionist that I am, I know that if I go for historical accuracy then no one will get half of what's going on.
The other not-so-big suprise is that most pictures I've seen of people who have done a Ren-wedding are full of folks who are generally, well,... I don't know how to say this nicely.... dorks. The type who probably are really into their Warhammer figures, attend SCA campouts, like to LARP in costume, and the quite buxom (i.e. rotund) women really enjoy wearing bondage gear that they should really avoid.
....okay -- the above statement obviously proves my hypocrisy since I know exactly what every item in the above paragraph is, and more. I suppose my point is that whereas a Rennaisance wedding is somewhat unique in some ways, in my (former) circles it's quite common AND aside from Gilmore Girls, nearly all the Ren-brides I've seen are rather rotund dork-women like myself. So I suppose part of me is hearing the voice in others' head "fat chick+dork+Rennaissance wedding = no shit, really?! hah!"
and here I was trying to get away from all that.
I just want to marry my honey and have fun at it. I really want anyone who attends to have fun. I can't be true to period and have that happen since most my gamer-goth-dork friends have either grown up and away like I have or stayed there while I moved on.
*
oh well, it'll sort itself out. My dieting has fallen well by the wayside, so has my exercise -- have to get back on those things.
*
I had lunch with my mother on Saturday. (that's my mom)
It was so nice. We sat outdoors at a cafe/coffee shop/restraunt that I frequent and had one of those long leisurly lunches where you don't really eat too much but it feels like it since you savor your food and talk. If every meal could be that relaxed, I'd be skinny. I loved getting to talk to mom in that setting.
I think I'm feeling closer than ever to her -- in some ways because mortality is weighing on me so heavily lately. I've desperately been trying to come to peace with it. Some days I have anxiety attacks that are absolutely overwhelming. It's as if part of my brain is saying "There! There! There's the big picture! Lookit! Over there!" and I know that if I look at it too hard I will literally lose my mind. I am very capable of seeing it.
Life is like grief in so many ways.
There are different stages of grief, and it's been pretty much proven that you need to work through every one of those in order to get to the end. Being aware of those stages sometimes makes it worse when you are doing the grieving. Some part of you is standing in the back wondering why you have to go through this step, since you are conscious that it is neccessary. This part of you, if you let it, will completely invalidate your grief since now it has a name and a function -- it is very tempting to go through the motions but not really do it.
That is my life right now.
I "get" things that maybe we as the peons we are, weren't meant to "get", sometimes -- and oh I miss ignorance. I'm finding it harder and harder to become involved in lesser desires, needs, plans, these things are so temporal. So while I fight with myself to to the living I know I need to do, I am alternately apathetic or appalled how little some of these battles seem in the long run. Right now this house and wedding are all- consuming. In two years, I will wonder why I lost sleep. I know this. I knew this when I was a teenager and didn't share my angst, upset very well since I knew that compared to my mother's worries, they were nothing.
This is my life. I want to live it. I remember when 80 seemed ancient. Now it doesn't seem very long at all -- if I get there -- conversely last year seemed like so long ago. In perspective I know every year will feel like a long time. I know in the grand scheme of things every year is not. I am scared of dying more than any fear ever, it paralyzes me completely. There -- it's out -- I've never ever dared to write that. I know that if I make it to 80 -- I'll probably start feeling exhausted and the prospect of death may feel like a welcome nap.
I embrace the full circle of the tree of life as a philosophy. My rational mind accepts this. My inner screaming selfish mortal doesn't want to hear it.
*
This is where I am. This is why I'm not writing. This is why I plug into puzzle games from 10 p.m. until whenver. This is why I am apparently on a mission to turn my brain into Jell-O.
This is also why I need to get off my ass and do something with what blessings I've been given.
*
signing out
In the meantime, I suppose that gives me more time to pace things out and not feel so frantic, which is good.
I've also remembered that I should be working on wedding planning. Yikes. So I've come to a startling discovery... okay, not really so startling. Most of the Rennaisance-style weddings I've seen are not exactly to my tastes. I don't want "historical accuracy". I want "influenced by"... see, perfectionist that I am, I know that if I go for historical accuracy then no one will get half of what's going on.
The other not-so-big suprise is that most pictures I've seen of people who have done a Ren-wedding are full of folks who are generally, well,... I don't know how to say this nicely.... dorks. The type who probably are really into their Warhammer figures, attend SCA campouts, like to LARP in costume, and the quite buxom (i.e. rotund) women really enjoy wearing bondage gear that they should really avoid.
....okay -- the above statement obviously proves my hypocrisy since I know exactly what every item in the above paragraph is, and more. I suppose my point is that whereas a Rennaisance wedding is somewhat unique in some ways, in my (former) circles it's quite common AND aside from Gilmore Girls, nearly all the Ren-brides I've seen are rather rotund dork-women like myself. So I suppose part of me is hearing the voice in others' head "fat chick+dork+Rennaissance wedding = no shit, really?! hah!"
and here I was trying to get away from all that.
I just want to marry my honey and have fun at it. I really want anyone who attends to have fun. I can't be true to period and have that happen since most my gamer-goth-dork friends have either grown up and away like I have or stayed there while I moved on.
*
oh well, it'll sort itself out. My dieting has fallen well by the wayside, so has my exercise -- have to get back on those things.
*
I had lunch with my mother on Saturday. (that's my mom)
It was so nice. We sat outdoors at a cafe/coffee shop/restraunt that I frequent and had one of those long leisurly lunches where you don't really eat too much but it feels like it since you savor your food and talk. If every meal could be that relaxed, I'd be skinny. I loved getting to talk to mom in that setting.
I think I'm feeling closer than ever to her -- in some ways because mortality is weighing on me so heavily lately. I've desperately been trying to come to peace with it. Some days I have anxiety attacks that are absolutely overwhelming. It's as if part of my brain is saying "There! There! There's the big picture! Lookit! Over there!" and I know that if I look at it too hard I will literally lose my mind. I am very capable of seeing it.
Life is like grief in so many ways.
There are different stages of grief, and it's been pretty much proven that you need to work through every one of those in order to get to the end. Being aware of those stages sometimes makes it worse when you are doing the grieving. Some part of you is standing in the back wondering why you have to go through this step, since you are conscious that it is neccessary. This part of you, if you let it, will completely invalidate your grief since now it has a name and a function -- it is very tempting to go through the motions but not really do it.
That is my life right now.
I "get" things that maybe we as the peons we are, weren't meant to "get", sometimes -- and oh I miss ignorance. I'm finding it harder and harder to become involved in lesser desires, needs, plans, these things are so temporal. So while I fight with myself to to the living I know I need to do, I am alternately apathetic or appalled how little some of these battles seem in the long run. Right now this house and wedding are all- consuming. In two years, I will wonder why I lost sleep. I know this. I knew this when I was a teenager and didn't share my angst, upset very well since I knew that compared to my mother's worries, they were nothing.
This is my life. I want to live it. I remember when 80 seemed ancient. Now it doesn't seem very long at all -- if I get there -- conversely last year seemed like so long ago. In perspective I know every year will feel like a long time. I know in the grand scheme of things every year is not. I am scared of dying more than any fear ever, it paralyzes me completely. There -- it's out -- I've never ever dared to write that. I know that if I make it to 80 -- I'll probably start feeling exhausted and the prospect of death may feel like a welcome nap.
I embrace the full circle of the tree of life as a philosophy. My rational mind accepts this. My inner screaming selfish mortal doesn't want to hear it.
*
This is where I am. This is why I'm not writing. This is why I plug into puzzle games from 10 p.m. until whenver. This is why I am apparently on a mission to turn my brain into Jell-O.
This is also why I need to get off my ass and do something with what blessings I've been given.
*
signing out
posted by Laura | 10:10 PM
6 Comments:
Wow L,
There's so much packed into here that I almost don't know where to begin.
Lunch with Mom sounds like it was a great time. I had a similar lunch with my best friend, Heidi, the other day. It was the first time I'd done something for myself in a very long time, and just being there, conversation, etc. it was very nice.
Hmmm... the mortality thing. I've always been somewhat stoic about the whole thing. It's not that I don't grieve or mourn when I lose someone I love, it's just, I guess, my way of dealing with it so that I don't go over the edge. Like you say, maybe it's just going through the steps without really doing them.
I've never been one of those people that fears dying. Actually, for most of my life I would have welcomed it with open arms, yet didn't have the guts to go out seeking it. I still am not afraid of dying, not in the "Oh my God, it's all over!" sense of things, but having a child now makes me more conscious of how precious life is. I fear losing him, and can't imagine life without him. I think I fear other's deaths more than my own.
I don't know. *shrugs*
About the wedding... do what YOU want to do. No one understood my wedding, but I didn't give a damn. We did our best to blend a traditional christian wedding and a pagan handfasting. I think the ceremony meant a lot to both of us, and whatever the family and friends that came thought of it, big deal. They still got free liquor and food and a damn good party.
If you want traditional dork style ren-faire wedding the have it.
No matter what you do, the end result is the same.
Laura,
a few little thoughts o' mine:
You said "oh I miss ignorance." I have to agree. Ignorance is bliss, and I understand that statement more and more every day, though when my mom said it when I was a kid, I thought she was talking nonsense.
Secondly, having read this post, I am now completely sure that you have to read Jitterbug Perfume. It will be a familiar theme and liberating story for you, I think...
Last, a couple of friends of mine did a ren influenced wedding very well. If you'd like ideas or pictures, let me know. It was not overkill, not nerdy but a definite divergence from a "typical" wedding.
P.S. I love the new pic! You have the cutest nose I have ever seen! :o)
Oh L, Erin's right! You HAVE to read Jitterbug Perfume - it really is a pertinent read in light of this thought process you're going through!
And I agree with Ang, if Ren-Fairre is what you want, DO IT - hell with anyone else's perceptions! How can you make those 2 statements in one post?
LIFE IS TOO SHORT L, don't worry about others so much and make this one of those things that you can say "Yeah, I did that and ADORED it" when you hit 80. My wedding was such a non-wedding, a total let down (perfect match for the marriage lol!) but I know that at 80, I won't have the wedding of my dreams to show pictures of or tell stories about to my grandkids and great grandkids...
I regret that.
E, we can send you some pictures from out wedding and some glue sticks, so you can cut out pictures of you can Scotty and put the pictures in there, and just lie to the kids in years to come. That is what most of history is comprised of: lies we decided to tell the kids.
I think a ren wedding would be
FABULOUS!!!
I'm doing something cute and natural for my wedding. cotton dress, barefoot, etc. Hell, I might even go with fairy wings...heh. Shit, why not? It's my fucking wedding...And jonathan can have black crow wings - oooh, YAY!
you could DEFINATELY catalogue those pics in the dork file. Oh yeah, and I'd have to have plenty of chlorophorm to put jonathan under long enough to get him to the wedding and strap/lock him into the wings....
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