Strong Women and Whiskey

not for the delicate palate

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Location: Oxford, Pennsylvania, United States

I've found that if you speak as if with authority on nearly any topic, most people will believe you. This frightens me.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

strong hands

"Icicle, icicle where are you going?
I have a hiding place when spring marches in"
- Tori Amos

Beauty is a beast. It stalks me and pounces when least expected, or everywhere, all the time - maybe not a beast but a swarm of bees zapping me along the way. I will stop spellbound to absorb it in the most awkward places. I'm not sure why, it's almost masochistic. What I do know is when it gets thrown at me, it doesn't feel natural, and when it doesn't I miss it. In both instances I long for something genuine that just won't exist. I think things can be beautiful when they meet a need. Like haggis. Most folks will not touch it, but if they are literally starving, it becomes beautiful. After the hunger pangs have ebbed, then it's beauty fades and it may even become revolting again.

In school we work on each other. I have always loved the human form and it's many, many variations. But when you're the one on the table, there's a certain overexposure there, since in the classroom setting, there are 5 people not on the table and 4 people on the table. Laying prone with a drape tucked into my underpants, I can feel my fat rolls schmooshing around and I don't even want to think about what that looks like. Breasts, too, become a little unruly and smoosh out the sides, but that happens to almost all of the women in this class. And I know it's about wellness, and I know that my intent is pure in that respect, and I know that I am not judgemental at all of other's figures. But you can never be sure of others -- or even if I am sure of this intellectually, emotionally I still beat myself up.

Then comes the self depricating humor. I am not someone who is "fishing" for compliments with humor. Honestly, it's my way of indication that yes, I know I'm fat, loud, or talk too much by way of humor -- let's just get that out there so you don't think I'm ignorant, too.

for example a dialogue:

A: (to S and I) Do you all like cake?

me: Honey, do I look like I've ever let a piece of cake pass me by? (laughs)

I've often thought too, that it's good that I'm pretty non-sexually stimulating if I'll be a massage therapist, because working on either gender can be tricky then-- men because it could be counter productive and they'll be unable to relax, and women because there are few things more intimidating to most women than a very attractive woman -- again, counterproductive.

In any case, it's good to have strong hands.

3 Comments:

Blogger Laura said...

on your broomstick? ;)

okay, no more haggis. feeling better, now, later in the day. some days I feel destined to be a hermit, so that I can't project my own petty negativity into the minds of others so that I surmise that's what they're really thinking..

tricky, eh? ach, and to think one day I may again have real problems to dwell on!

6:25 PM  
Blogger Fool's Errand said...

Poeple tend to think what they like so, unless you love them, why worry about it? You're a good person, you do good things. Your nearest and dearest see what you do, anything else is just smoke on water.

Anyway, you have mail :)

6:53 PM  
Blogger Mommyleek said...

I happen to think you're beautiful, so nyah! You know, I've spent much of my life overweight. Now that I'm skinnier, I still find that I have the same, if not worse, body image I had at my largest. I think beauty is more mentality than physicality. I've met big women that just exude beauty and sexuality, and I've met gorgeous women with no self-confidence. It's a matter of loving who you are, and if we could all understand that, the world would be a much better place.

You know how sometimes beauty just jumps out at you, captivates you in the oddest times and places? Have you looked in a mirror lately?

Love you, L.

6:54 PM  

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