strong hands

"Icicle, icicle where are you going?

I have a hiding place when spring marches in"

- Tori Amos

Beauty is a beast. It stalks me and pounces when least expected, or everywhere, all the time - maybe not a beast but a swarm of bees zapping me along the way. I will stop spellbound to absorb it in the most awkward places. I'm not sure why, it's almost masochistic. What I do know is when it gets thrown at me, it doesn't feel natural, and when it doesn't I miss it. In both instances I long for something genuine that just won't exist. I think things can be beautiful when they meet a need. Like haggis. Most folks will not touch it, but if they are literally starving, it becomes beautiful. After the hunger pangs have ebbed, then it's beauty fades and it may even become revolting again.

In school we work on each other. I have always loved the human form and it's many, many variations. But when you're the one on the table, there's a certain overexposure there, since in the classroom setting, there are 5 people not on the table and 4 people on the table. Laying prone with a drape tucked into my underpants, I can feel my fat rolls schmooshing around and I don't even want to think about what that looks like. Breasts, too, become a little unruly and smoosh out the sides, but that happens to almost all of the women in this class. And I know it's about wellness, and I know that my intent is pure in that respect, and I know that I am not judgemental at all of other's figures. But you can never be sure of others -- or even if I am sure of this intellectually, emotionally I still beat myself up.

Then comes the self depricating humor. I am not someone who is "fishing" for compliments with humor. Honestly, it's my way of indication that yes, I know I'm fat, loud, or talk too much by way of humor -- let's just get that out there so you don't think I'm ignorant, too.

for example a dialogue:

A: (to S and I) Do you all like cake?

me: Honey, do I look like I've ever let a piece of cake pass me by? (laughs)

I've often thought too, that it's good that I'm pretty non-sexually stimulating if I'll be a massage therapist, because working on either gender can be tricky then-- men because it could be counter productive and they'll be unable to relax, and women because there are few things more intimidating to most women than a very attractive woman -- again, counterproductive.

In any case, it's good to have strong hands.