Dance junkie, new meds, joy

I received and Xbox and all the toys to play Dance Dance Revolution for my birthday from Doug, Raven, and Derek. While I'll never be anywhere near on par with the Japanese 6 year olds that can rock out on it, I'm still having and aching-legged-don't-know-when-to-quit blast at it.

I went to a long overdue doctor's appointment Wednesday. My Doctor is incredibly cool, and actually really listens to me. I think, if he were not my Dr. he'd be a cool person to know -- actually I'm sure he and my husband would get along remarkably well. Regardless, I rarely have good news coming back from appointment. Since I've mostly kicked the smoking habit since my last physical, it's time to start seriously looking at weight loss. Keeping up the cardio wit DDR would be good, but I have to adjust my diet (moderately high cholesterol) and my blood pressure (a tad high). However before those things can be addressed we have to rule out that I don't have a sleeping disorder (which would affect the blood pressure) and before I have to do the whole sleep-study thing, I am on allergy meds for a month to see if that works, instead. I've got some kind of pressure back around the eustacian tubes that's making my ears itch like crazy.

Oh, and he prescribed Cymbalta for me because apparently, big suprise here folks, I'm clinically depressed and have been for some time. I'm not sure how I feel about really accepting that -- but it finally came down to survival, and I had to address it because I simply was not functional. It'll take a month to fully work, if it does, so maybe there will be a remarkable difference. Maybe not. If it does, then I start looking for a counselor. I hope that I can find a way around being permanently medicated (particularly since I'd have to come off to have kids and nurse). I'm suprised at his choice of meds, though, Cymbalta is a seritonin AND norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor. Seritonin is a mood hormone but norepinephrine is a pain regulating hormone. The shorts story is sometimes nerves tell the brain that they're in pain even when there's no actual stimuli for pain. Maybe the lining of the nerve has worn away from malnutriton (poor circulation of blood and lymph) and a condition occurs call neuropathy. This happens to many diabetics. This med is also approved to treat neuropathy. Hrmph. The web site says it's for the general aches and pains that often accompany depression (which makes sense, even though I'd never put them together) -- the only thing is that I don't like to take any kind of painkiller if I can help it at all. But I'm willing to try it -- could link back to the sleep thing -- it may help me sleep better which is overall better for my physical and mental health.

I do know that I wrote my first poems in a long time yesterday, even though they sucked. Part of me has avoided this for a long, long, time because I was afraid I'd lose my creativity. Then, I'd become so bad, that I lost all my creativity and passion except for the occasional outburst. Hell, I wasn't even enjoying food anymore -- that's when I knew it was bad. But wouldn't it be funny if I got it all back and the thing that I though spawned a lot of my creativity was exactly the thing that stymied it?

Just a thought. An experiment. Oh, and the allergy meds -- I hadn't realized it, but my sense of smell had diminished a lot. I smelled the outdoors yesterday and was ready to get drunk on it. Even if I don't totally approve, they're working. I just need to see if I can find an effective holistic approach down the road some.

Okay, enough boring medical bullcrap. Here's a really cute picture of Jonas, Angie's kid. I think this photo just captures joy as it should be.

for the archive

....some butchery in the form of non-traditional haiku and tanka. hrmph -- very non traditional as I look it it, more nature and form rather than the intent.

oh well, first thing I've written in months. i rather li8ke the sonic blooms though, it's probably already been done somewhere/how

==============

rose brambles burst forth
wrapped in the scent of sweet hay
whisper autumn's work

========

i shall drink the wind
and fill my belly with sun-
mourn a lost season

rain stings my face spicy
listen: blossoms bloom sonic

========

chrysalis my mind
in sheer sheets of summer wind
blarg blarg blargity <------- I had something horrible and trite here, and now I can think of anythinge else right now because it rhymed and is stuck in my head!!!!!

half a month too long...

...and I should be in bed.

Bed is a lonely place despite the kitty's attempts to warm it up. Doug is away on a business trip, which would be disconcerting to most in my position ( my birthday is Tuesday) except that I have to be up at 6 a.m. in order to be at school at 8 a.m. and to be at a massage event at 9 a.m. When that is completed at 3 p.m. I have to be at school by 5:30 (there is some distance involved) and won't be out until close to 10, I surmise. So, no point in getting worked up. I'll at least be spending the day doing something I love.

I have so many pictures to post that I think it'll have to wait for another post, since it always takes so long for me to compress, re save, and attach them. Angie's visit was amazing fun -- I hope we get to visit again. She and Jonas are so very cool. And whatever Wil did to get them here after all the mix-ups has earned him some kind of treat from Barnhenge. Maybe I could send a chicken.

We did so much in the few days of the visit. Thursday Angie, Jonas, and I went to a Turkish place for lunch, and then went home and spend at long time laughing at Jonas playing in the sprinkler. Of course the fact that I've been waiting for the perfect excuse to break out my Patrick Starfish Sprinker had nothing to do with that...

Friday-- we drove around a lot, and basically relaxed. In the evening we went to see Joyce Carol Oates and Salman Rushdie speak at the DuPont Theater in Wilmington. So we got to dress up and be intellectuals for an evening. I've been looking forward to this for some time, as JCO is one of my all time favorite authors -- Rushdie as it turns out, was the immediately engaging one, JCO took a bit more time to warm up, I think, because she was trying to figure out her audience. I like her even more since seeing her, an introverted, somewhat awkward figure on the stage, taking up so very little space, when having read her work, I understood what a massive expanse her mind fills. She, to me, embodies the archetype of a writer. Plus, she is a cat person, which wins points in my book. Rushdie, on the other hand, with his jokes and convivial attitude, and presence seemed so at ease in the eye of so many, like he fed on it -- which may in fact be the case, as much press as some of his work has gotten. He commented that until here recently the Satanic Verses and the fahtwa were so controversial that the book itself was overlooked for it's literary contents-- this I've noticed.

So the 90 minute forum definately provided some thought. Afterwards Angie and I wondered the streets of Wilmington, feeling oddly like country bumpkins playing dress-up, looking for something to prolong the evening. We found a little Italian place with cute waiters and outdoor seating so we treated ourselves to White-Chocolate Rasperry Martini and dessert (tiramisu for Ang, Limoncello Cake for me) and some good conversation before heading home.

Saturday we cooked and cooked and I still couldn't facilitate getting dinner on the table sooner than 8. *sigh* I swear there is some kind of mental block that makes it impossible for me to get supper on the table at an earlier hour. I suppose it's not that I'm a decent cook, but that hunger does wonders for the flavors of a meal. Angie was a phenomenal sous chef and also prepared a very tasty Spinach Roulade that I think will end up being an entertaining mainstay. I have a great picture of her weeping over the onions, I think I'll share it later. *grin*

Sunday we played at the Fairie Festival -- a whole big group of us with Raven, Derek, Morgan, Melissa, Doug, Ang, Jonas, and myself. Followed by Fireside Fondue at Barnhenge and some much needed sleep. By Monday, our main goal was to keep Jonas smiling, since, by this point the poor tyke had been massively overstimulated and prepared to meltdown at the drop of a hat. Not that I can blame him, it happens to those of us that are hardened to such things too. He did really well and it was touching to see he and Morgan play.

In other news it looks like our garden is about two weeks behind, which means that we'll be innundated with harvest come late summer. This is based on the assumption that everything grows. We have technically just past our frost-free date, so maybe it won't be so bad. Doug has been working really hard in his "spare" time to get the fence up, with so much wildlife around (including the very helpful chickens) we simply cannot plant until it's fenced in.

Let's see, what else -- I've had my first clinic at the school, which was exciting to get to do - an actual paying client (to the school), I even got a tip! I quit my job working doing in-home care, and have to find a new one sometime in early June -- there was just too much going on that was preventing me from being dependable. Mom finally had her tests at the hospital -- after the incident of her being ill and vomiting blood -- the test turned up a bit ol' ulcer, but everything else is normal or as it was already. I think we were all really scared it would be something much, much worse. She's on meds for it, and already going well, I think.

This past Saturday I got to go to a Tea held at the same family's house where Doug and I got married. They are such awesome people. Mrs. Taylor host's a tea occasionally -- there were at least forty ladies (and one man) there as guests. Her family and some friends do all the cooking, prep work, and decorating. I went with my friend Erica -- it's such a relaxing, and indulgent event -- with good food and tasty baked treats -- some violin music, and her sons took turns between courses to read us themed poetry. *sigh* What a great way to spend a lovely spring day.

speaking of days, mine begins early tomorrow so I should sleep.

g'night.

this poem

struck me today and held me fast



Spring and All
by William Carlos Williams

By the road to the contagious hospital
under the surge of the blue
mottled clouds driven from the
northeast-a cold wind. Beyond, the
waste of broad, muddy fields
brown with dried weeds, standing and fallen

patches of standing water
the scattering of tall trees

All along the road the reddish
purplish, forked, upstanding, twiggy
stuff of bushes and small trees
with dead, brown leaves under them
leafless vines-

Lifeless in appearance, sluggish
dazed spring approaches-

They enter the new world naked,
cold, uncertain of all
save that they enter. All about them
the cold, familiar wind-

Now the grass, tomorrow
the stiff curl of wildcarrot leaf
One by one objects are defined-
It quickens: clarity, outline of leaf

But now the stark dignity of
entrance-Still, the profound change
has come upon them: rooted, they
grip down and begin to awaken

May Day

Some folks make resolutions at the new year, but to me, May 1 has always represented the promise of new beginnings. I always feel so much more vital and vibrant - ready to take on the world and burst out of hibernation.

Sadly, I didn't spend much time in reflection, or outside enjoying the glorious day, but the site of tulips and happy chickens in my rear view mirror was pleasing enough. Doug and I worked on the garden almost all day on Sunday, and since our wheel barrow has a flat, I hauled manure by the bucket over to the tilled area until I just couldn't anymore. It's very frustrating that it seems I've pushed us into biting off quite a bit insofar as the garden goes, but as Doug pointed out, what we may lose in productivity, we'll gain in experience. I just don't want to be one of the types that gets us into projects and leaves him to finish them when I lose steam!

Which leads me to one of my resolutions of culitvating patience. Tangent to my Taurean nature is a deep streak of impatience and a need for immediate gratification. My only explanation for this is that I often "bulldoze" my way through projects with almost manic overzealousness, and then I fade out, overwhelmed or content to linger in the pasture and look at the pretty flowers.... or nap... or I just get frustrated. So basically, I try to do things that I can finish in a relatively short period of time so I don't leave so many loose ends... which in turn frustrate me further.... drivel, drivel, I know, but it's true. So this year, I'm learning patience. I have it, just need to tap into it.

Of course this also means to cultivate patience, I have to stop taking on more than I can handle. A certain ex of mine used to get absoltutely frustrated with my apparent drive to be "superwoman" -- after years, I finally get it. It's not so much my independant streak, but the fact that I just take on too much. What he was getting frustrated with was not that I would take on too much, but, since I knew he was a "sure thing" and would still be there, I slacked off in my attentions to him when I started having to pare down my emotional/physical load.

This is one of those things that makes me a horrible/wonderful friend. I'm there for any crisis, but if you're okay, then odds are I'm helping someone else deal with a crisis and neglecting you. The other day, I lamented to my mom that it seemed like the only time anyone wanted to talk to me (exaggeration, I know.... don't any of you take this personally!) it was because there was something or some drama that they needed to vent/resolve/complain about.

After some reflection, I wondered if this is something that over the years, I've inadvertantly cultivated. If I tend to be more available to those in need of my emotional (sometimes physical) resources, then wouldn't it make sense that that would be the way to get to me if you just wanted some company? What's more, why on earth can't I let folks have their problems? Why do I have to feel responsible for their well-being? Why do I worry excessively? What makes my advice so valuable, and is it more likely that I just feel the need to give it? I have a few internet friends that I've worked around this on -- so in writing, I'm learning to be the better friend by just "listening" but I've felt the need lately to turn off the phone.

I looked in my inbox and verified that most of the emails still sitting and waiting for replies are from folks that I'm just keeping up with... you know... like friends do. Some of them are weeks old.

So apparently, this is a trend, and the thing is, I would put a trend in my lap -- not blame the people I love. Ultimately, we're responsible for the way we let our environments affect us. There's been a lot going on here lately, and I do feel drained. I was talking to one of the instructors at school who handles the energy techniques and she said that it would make sense -- when someone is in need, they make unconsciously drain the positive energy out of those around them. She showed me some techiniques to help keep that from happening when I don't want it to. It'll be interesting to learn more.

Enough rambling for me about this introverted crap. Doug and I have been slowly turning the old kitchen into an office, and the old office into a guestroom. We have company (Angie!!!!) coming to Barnhenge this weekend, and I'm so excited! I know I'll not get everything perfect and clean, but I'd like to tidy up a bit and finish getting the office stuff out of the guest room.

Goodnight all.