May Day

Some folks make resolutions at the new year, but to me, May 1 has always represented the promise of new beginnings. I always feel so much more vital and vibrant - ready to take on the world and burst out of hibernation.

Sadly, I didn't spend much time in reflection, or outside enjoying the glorious day, but the site of tulips and happy chickens in my rear view mirror was pleasing enough. Doug and I worked on the garden almost all day on Sunday, and since our wheel barrow has a flat, I hauled manure by the bucket over to the tilled area until I just couldn't anymore. It's very frustrating that it seems I've pushed us into biting off quite a bit insofar as the garden goes, but as Doug pointed out, what we may lose in productivity, we'll gain in experience. I just don't want to be one of the types that gets us into projects and leaves him to finish them when I lose steam!

Which leads me to one of my resolutions of culitvating patience. Tangent to my Taurean nature is a deep streak of impatience and a need for immediate gratification. My only explanation for this is that I often "bulldoze" my way through projects with almost manic overzealousness, and then I fade out, overwhelmed or content to linger in the pasture and look at the pretty flowers.... or nap... or I just get frustrated. So basically, I try to do things that I can finish in a relatively short period of time so I don't leave so many loose ends... which in turn frustrate me further.... drivel, drivel, I know, but it's true. So this year, I'm learning patience. I have it, just need to tap into it.

Of course this also means to cultivate patience, I have to stop taking on more than I can handle. A certain ex of mine used to get absoltutely frustrated with my apparent drive to be "superwoman" -- after years, I finally get it. It's not so much my independant streak, but the fact that I just take on too much. What he was getting frustrated with was not that I would take on too much, but, since I knew he was a "sure thing" and would still be there, I slacked off in my attentions to him when I started having to pare down my emotional/physical load.

This is one of those things that makes me a horrible/wonderful friend. I'm there for any crisis, but if you're okay, then odds are I'm helping someone else deal with a crisis and neglecting you. The other day, I lamented to my mom that it seemed like the only time anyone wanted to talk to me (exaggeration, I know.... don't any of you take this personally!) it was because there was something or some drama that they needed to vent/resolve/complain about.

After some reflection, I wondered if this is something that over the years, I've inadvertantly cultivated. If I tend to be more available to those in need of my emotional (sometimes physical) resources, then wouldn't it make sense that that would be the way to get to me if you just wanted some company? What's more, why on earth can't I let folks have their problems? Why do I have to feel responsible for their well-being? Why do I worry excessively? What makes my advice so valuable, and is it more likely that I just feel the need to give it? I have a few internet friends that I've worked around this on -- so in writing, I'm learning to be the better friend by just "listening" but I've felt the need lately to turn off the phone.

I looked in my inbox and verified that most of the emails still sitting and waiting for replies are from folks that I'm just keeping up with... you know... like friends do. Some of them are weeks old.

So apparently, this is a trend, and the thing is, I would put a trend in my lap -- not blame the people I love. Ultimately, we're responsible for the way we let our environments affect us. There's been a lot going on here lately, and I do feel drained. I was talking to one of the instructors at school who handles the energy techniques and she said that it would make sense -- when someone is in need, they make unconsciously drain the positive energy out of those around them. She showed me some techiniques to help keep that from happening when I don't want it to. It'll be interesting to learn more.

Enough rambling for me about this introverted crap. Doug and I have been slowly turning the old kitchen into an office, and the old office into a guestroom. We have company (Angie!!!!) coming to Barnhenge this weekend, and I'm so excited! I know I'll not get everything perfect and clean, but I'd like to tidy up a bit and finish getting the office stuff out of the guest room.

Goodnight all.