swampwater
Sometimes I feel like a weathervane and life is one f-ed up windstorm.
I need to get out of my job, I think. Doug's lucky if he can get me to talk to him for more than a few minutes -- I just want to be left the hell alone by anything with a voice by the time I get home. Now the house is delayed AGAIN, and I have had so much rage built today that I thought I would explode. So I basically get accused of being negative. Yes, I am being negative, what reason do I have to be positive? I have no control over this situation at all, I have very little technical say in this situation. I do NOT want to be placated. When I'm sad,okay, when I'm mad, platitudes will piss me off even more. Just give me something to break.
I eat other people's negativity for a living. That's what I do. If I didn't care about people it wouldn't be a big deal, but instead, I do care, I care enough to really try to make things all better. So people go away feeling better and by the end of the day I swear my innards look like swamp water.
So by the end of the day, I'm sick of empathizing, I'm sick of listening actively and responding, I'm sick of hearing how things make someone feel or having to figure out why they're really upset, I'm sick of solving problems, I'm sick making excuses, and I'm sick of teaching.
*sigh*
This does not make me a very good fiance, friend, or sister. I think that the position is noble, and is neccessary but my skin is too thin to do it for much longer and still have healthy relationships. But it's sad when my friend who's got problems right now goes to me for advise/support but I can't have a chatty interesting conversation with my fiance like she can because I'm too full of swampwater.
I need to get out of my job, I think. Doug's lucky if he can get me to talk to him for more than a few minutes -- I just want to be left the hell alone by anything with a voice by the time I get home. Now the house is delayed AGAIN, and I have had so much rage built today that I thought I would explode. So I basically get accused of being negative. Yes, I am being negative, what reason do I have to be positive? I have no control over this situation at all, I have very little technical say in this situation. I do NOT want to be placated. When I'm sad,okay, when I'm mad, platitudes will piss me off even more. Just give me something to break.
I eat other people's negativity for a living. That's what I do. If I didn't care about people it wouldn't be a big deal, but instead, I do care, I care enough to really try to make things all better. So people go away feeling better and by the end of the day I swear my innards look like swamp water.
So by the end of the day, I'm sick of empathizing, I'm sick of listening actively and responding, I'm sick of hearing how things make someone feel or having to figure out why they're really upset, I'm sick of solving problems, I'm sick making excuses, and I'm sick of teaching.
*sigh*
This does not make me a very good fiance, friend, or sister. I think that the position is noble, and is neccessary but my skin is too thin to do it for much longer and still have healthy relationships. But it's sad when my friend who's got problems right now goes to me for advise/support but I can't have a chatty interesting conversation with my fiance like she can because I'm too full of swampwater.
posted by Laura | 7:58 PM
7 Comments:
Damn, I can relate to so much of this. Not that that fact makes it any better for you... just wanted to give you a sort of "right on, Sister!"
Go ahead, break something, just make sure it's not something you'll miss later.
It sucks that the house got delayed AGAIN. I think I'd be ready to march into someone's office and give them a good shaking. Heh, that would be better than breaking things, wouldn't it?
As far as the job goes... I get that too, the empathy overload. I spend all day giving a shit about other people's pets, I mean caring to the point of tears, and yet, my own pets sit at home neglected and uncared for. Is it wrong of me to admit that all four of my critters are overdue for their vaccines? I just don't want to think vet once I'm out the door.
And yeah, the not even being able to carry on a conversation because you're just fed up and talked out... you've got the perfect description there; swampwater.
Somedays all you want is five minutes of silence. Just total silence.
You ever want to vent, you know where my inbox is. :)
Hope the delay is a short one. Hey, eventually they've gotta give it to you, right?!
Hugs
Damn, what Angie said, can I relate to this. And my swampwater's expration date was about two years ago, so you can imagine how it smells. Hold tight, chin up, keep on keepin' on, and no I am not wildly throwing cliche's and patronizing you, Laura in any way shape or form, but you have to know somewhere down deep inside you are moving toward perfection inch by inch, slowly and surely and moods don't last forever and obstacles don't stand in our paths forever, so try to be of good cheer, whenever you remember to getting around to it and you may actually "feel" it for real when you least expect it. And damn!, that's a damn fine feeling!!! :-D ~ML!
swamp water. Yes. I think I was wading through my share of it last night!
(Or maybe that was my self-pity? Eh.)
Love you L, sorry about the house, again. The stomping in and shaking of said realtor DOES sound more satisfying. . .
Hug D for me will ya? Better yet, hug each other for me.
When you're feeling like this, it definitely is time to look for other opportunities. Don't let this "job" control the rest of your life. You've got a wonderful partner now and the house will eventually fall into place as well. You've got a wedding coming up. I think a new job is just the ticket. Be careful, though, that you find something you think you can really be comfortable doing. And I bid you to enjoy the hunt. I think just doing something active will help to relieve some of the stress. Even just looking at ads and deciding whether you could or couldn't do this and that, its a start. Best of luck in everything, hon. There's no place to go but up!
Ang, Mike, E, and V -- thank you guys for helping to build me back up, it's good to know what others get whacked out and muddled and overwhelmed-- I needed to hear that -- V, ya know, dat's some good advice... I am pondering that..
isn't "swampwater" a mix of like vodka and mountain dew? I just thought of that.
We add a couple of cans of frozen lemonade and a six pack of beer to it and call it monkey piss, but I think they're pretty close to the same. :)
Egads! The crap we'll put in our systems!
On the one hand we have SwampWater...
(Where does it come from? Job, House, Fiance, Spouse, new Baby and the old Cat Lady.) But on the other hand we have what we are building. Okay so maybe it doesn't work. But in my case... (I've thought about it alot lately) it seems I have Swamp Rot from things that are basically good, things I worked for and would be much more unhappy without. Maybe I'm whining about my blessings instead of counting them.
Or maybe you and I should get very Drunk one night and blow stuff up. I'd like to see the look on Cheshires face then.
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