little triumphs
I bought Mom a pound and half of her favorite sugar-free chocolates today; the good stuff, $12 a pound. No one told me that the candy store was right next to the cigarette store. I walked on by. Didn't buy any candy for me, either. Two small triumphs in a short space of time.
It's getting easier to say no, to simply deny what I'm craving. However, it's not that different in some ways from a life where I've often denied one 'craving' or another. Of course I've been very indulgent, too. That is what I'm paying for now.
I used to revel in this to some extent, I used to play the part of the fat girl pretty well. Extra sugar, extra cream (real cream not the fake shit) in my coffee. Dessert? Perhaps, I'd rather have an appetizer. Light beer is not really beer. That kind of stuff. I always thought it would be making a bigger mockery of myself to be the fat chick in line who asks for Splenda and lowfat creamer, or asked for a kids scoop of ice cream -- in a cup. Sort of like the one in line at McD's and gets a Supersize Value Meal with a Diet Coke. (now I understand that odds are, that person is probably diatbetic. they can spluge on the fries but never on the soda.)
I'm changing these things slowly. Getting more active. Still miserable. Still fat.
Sometimes I lay in bed at night and imagine my body the way I want it to be. Other nights I dream myself healthy -- I dream of running, being pretty, of being thinner. It's very hard to look in the mirror after that.
When I diet, I obsess over it. I'm trying not to do that. Since I'm already in "no" mode, I figured I'd try to use it elsewhere, too.
By the way, the no smoking thing? Sheer hell. The gum is making me nauseous and I'm not even chewing as much as I should, but it makes my pulse race and makes it hard to breath. I can't sleep right, or think right. Really can't think right, it's as if the jello mold that is my brain has all the little fruit-thought bits breaking loose -- and I think the cherries have been all picked out. Oh, and I'm and absolute bitch. I should not be working customer service in this frame of mind. So far I've managed to avoid worst cases, however, this could be disasterous. I didn't know that there'd be so much withdrawal, it's scary.
It's getting easier to say no, to simply deny what I'm craving. However, it's not that different in some ways from a life where I've often denied one 'craving' or another. Of course I've been very indulgent, too. That is what I'm paying for now.
I used to revel in this to some extent, I used to play the part of the fat girl pretty well. Extra sugar, extra cream (real cream not the fake shit) in my coffee. Dessert? Perhaps, I'd rather have an appetizer. Light beer is not really beer. That kind of stuff. I always thought it would be making a bigger mockery of myself to be the fat chick in line who asks for Splenda and lowfat creamer, or asked for a kids scoop of ice cream -- in a cup. Sort of like the one in line at McD's and gets a Supersize Value Meal with a Diet Coke. (now I understand that odds are, that person is probably diatbetic. they can spluge on the fries but never on the soda.)
I'm changing these things slowly. Getting more active. Still miserable. Still fat.
Sometimes I lay in bed at night and imagine my body the way I want it to be. Other nights I dream myself healthy -- I dream of running, being pretty, of being thinner. It's very hard to look in the mirror after that.
When I diet, I obsess over it. I'm trying not to do that. Since I'm already in "no" mode, I figured I'd try to use it elsewhere, too.
By the way, the no smoking thing? Sheer hell. The gum is making me nauseous and I'm not even chewing as much as I should, but it makes my pulse race and makes it hard to breath. I can't sleep right, or think right. Really can't think right, it's as if the jello mold that is my brain has all the little fruit-thought bits breaking loose -- and I think the cherries have been all picked out. Oh, and I'm and absolute bitch. I should not be working customer service in this frame of mind. So far I've managed to avoid worst cases, however, this could be disasterous. I didn't know that there'd be so much withdrawal, it's scary.
posted by Laura | 10:45 PM
1 Comments:
Laura, don't get too down on yourself, ok? It's your health that matters most. Make realistic goals. Stick to them! Reward yourself--But don't reward yourself with food, reward yourself with a new book, a manicure, or a subscription to a health magazine (I like Fitness Rx and Oxygen). Throw away the scales. Women get obsessed with the scale and believe it or not, it can make you GAIN weight--the stress of not losing fast enough, or gaining a pound. Your body weight fluctuates throughout your menstrual cycle and some days you retain more fluids. The scales are unreliable, worthless, evil, oppressive. Weigh yourself once a month if you must, at the same time in your cycle (preferbly the day after your period stops because this is when you weigh the least and retain the least amount of fluid). Otherwise, judge on how your clothes fit and how you FEEL. I threw away my scales a year ago and I can't tell you the difference it's made in my self-image, my motivation, and overall mental health.
I have a post on my blog today about diet. Then i come over here and you're writing about it, weird...
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