packing

boxes and boxes all over the place. today the heat is amazing, to boot. Raven has been carting the baby and myself all over helping to tie up some loose ends and keeping me company.

last night we were up until 3 a.m. doing pedicures. that was nice.

so today may be the last night here. at this stage, no news is good news I think. i really really REALLY want a cigarette right now.

...so progress is good. We unfortunately have very little "muscle" help due to the timing so I'm really looking forward to the short trip to New England area this weekend. My mind is too busy to try to make any arrangments up there so I just have phone numbers. 'Spose that works.

Also the Cheshire cat is going back to his people.... which is rather sad, but good since they need a cat.

Well back to packing. If anyone ends up 'round here, and wants to lift some boxes, stop on by. :)

this was rather fun....

You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator.

"And The Goddess planted the acorn of life.
She cried a single tear and shed a single drop
of blood upon the earth where she buried it.
From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into
the world."

Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek),
Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian).
The Goddess is associated with the concept of
creation, the number 1, and the element of
earth.
Her sign is the dawn sun.

As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic
individual and people are drawn to you.
Although sometimes you may seem emotionally
distant, you are deeply in tune with other
people's feelings and have tremendous empathy.
Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your
own self. Goddesses are the best friends to
have because they're always willing to help.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hrmmmm

I was just checking my StatCounter thingie.

Things that bring up my blog? Well, naked strong women seems to be a hit. As was Dali. The best so far was someone in Miami do a Yahoo! search for ... okay let me look at this again...

"undergrown porn pictures"

what the HELL is that supposed to be? Kinky mole sex?


Sheesh. I wonder if it was supposed to be underGROUND..... people look up the weirdest stuff.

I'm not sure if that's worse than the Texan Yahoo! search for "pics of sexy women down in the mud"

c'mon girls we can fill that niche can't we?

swampwater

Sometimes I feel like a weathervane and life is one f-ed up windstorm.

I need to get out of my job, I think. Doug's lucky if he can get me to talk to him for more than a few minutes -- I just want to be left the hell alone by anything with a voice by the time I get home. Now the house is delayed AGAIN, and I have had so much rage built today that I thought I would explode. So I basically get accused of being negative. Yes, I am being negative, what reason do I have to be positive? I have no control over this situation at all, I have very little technical say in this situation. I do NOT want to be placated. When I'm sad,okay, when I'm mad, platitudes will piss me off even more. Just give me something to break.

I eat other people's negativity for a living. That's what I do. If I didn't care about people it wouldn't be a big deal, but instead, I do care, I care enough to really try to make things all better. So people go away feeling better and by the end of the day I swear my innards look like swamp water.

So by the end of the day, I'm sick of empathizing, I'm sick of listening actively and responding, I'm sick of hearing how things make someone feel or having to figure out why they're really upset, I'm sick of solving problems, I'm sick making excuses, and I'm sick of teaching.

*sigh*

This does not make me a very good fiance, friend, or sister. I think that the position is noble, and is neccessary but my skin is too thin to do it for much longer and still have healthy relationships. But it's sad when my friend who's got problems right now goes to me for advise/support but I can't have a chatty interesting conversation with my fiance like she can because I'm too full of swampwater.

powerful hankerin'

i was just re reading and email an almost long lost friend sent and getting ready to reply when she mentioned something about me being water sensitive. at that exact moment i craved the sea. going to bed. it's 1 a.m. gonna get up in 2 hours and d and I are gonna drag ass to the beach to watch the sun come up. well, it's rainy, at least watch it get light out.

sometimes you just need the salt air. it's true. not until i read that sentence did i realize i'd been away too long.

*

fat lip, pics, and kitties too!

<--- such a cute kid. This is Morgan, my godson and the son of one of my best friends, Raven. I just love this picture so I had to share it.

In other news, I currently look as if Doug has popped me one in the mouth-- he has not -- I had a root canal! Oh the excitement.

This is just the beginning of an extensive series of dental work I'm going to have to have done, mainly because I procrastinated. I have, I think, two other root canals coming. Yuck. After that I get to have an extraction and three implants. Maybe after that, I'll really go on a bender and have my palate repaired, perhaps I'll go back to wearing an expander. Maybe then my jaw will stop popping.

You'd think that the part of my body that gets the most excercise would be in shape!

It's been pouring on and off all day today. Big fat juicy summer rain that makes you want to run around half dressed and play in the mud. We should have been moving, but that's been delayed. So -- no mud to play in but also no rain to move in. This works out for the best I suppose.

As you may be able to tell by the recent increase in pictures, Doug and I are the proud new parents of a digital camera. A pretty good one at that. I like it. I particularly like the manual setting that allows adjustment of the shutter speed and aperature. I also really dig that I can delete the not so good stuff and not feel wasteful. My job it to learn how to use it then teach Doug. So... fun stuff. I'll share a few out of the most recent batch.

Oh yeah, and I REALLY enjoy the whole cropping and editing the pics. As E2 said somewhere... once a yearbook editor, always a yearbook editor. (I wasn't an editor but a layout and photo geek. *grin*) So I figured I'd share some of my world. If pictures and captions bore you, then stop here.
Here's Collette. I think in another life, she was a bunny. She doesn't know it but when Cheshire, our foster cat, goes back to his people, she is getting a new friend. Her new friend is a Russian Blue kitty named Gigi who is a few months younger than she is. Collette will also be getting a bunny friend that I've been told actually likes cats. I'm ridiculously amused by pets.













This is me. This is me in my red dress. Every woman needs a red dress and sparkly earings. Please excuse the extra chin. I usually keep a spare handy.











Cheshire cat is not sure he approves of whatever it is that Raven is doing to the noisy, new kitten but at least she's keeping it quiet.
















Doug is apparently talking to Jon. How Jon got into that plastic thingy, I don't know. Sometimes, it's best to let men have their little fantasies.










This is the robotic leg of the last cyborg that messed with me! Mwahahahaha!

Okay, no. It's a steering column. One of the odd assortment of car parts currently residing under my desk at work.









This is why I like the red dress. This, I think, is why Doug likes it too.






Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

blue

...so no closing on Friday. I'm am done being mad. At some point, it makes no sense to be actively angry over something that cannot be changed. The energy is better spent elsewhere. We will be going to settlement on the house next Friday, instead.

In the meantime, I suppose that gives me more time to pace things out and not feel so frantic, which is good.

I've also remembered that I should be working on wedding planning. Yikes. So I've come to a startling discovery... okay, not really so startling. Most of the Rennaisance-style weddings I've seen are not exactly to my tastes. I don't want "historical accuracy". I want "influenced by"... see, perfectionist that I am, I know that if I go for historical accuracy then no one will get half of what's going on.

The other not-so-big suprise is that most pictures I've seen of people who have done a Ren-wedding are full of folks who are generally, well,... I don't know how to say this nicely.... dorks. The type who probably are really into their Warhammer figures, attend SCA campouts, like to LARP in costume, and the quite buxom (i.e. rotund) women really enjoy wearing bondage gear that they should really avoid.

....okay -- the above statement obviously proves my hypocrisy since I know exactly what every item in the above paragraph is, and more. I suppose my point is that whereas a Rennaisance wedding is somewhat unique in some ways, in my (former) circles it's quite common AND aside from Gilmore Girls, nearly all the Ren-brides I've seen are rather rotund dork-women like myself. So I suppose part of me is hearing the voice in others' head "fat chick+dork+Rennaissance wedding = no shit, really?! hah!"

and here I was trying to get away from all that.

I just want to marry my honey and have fun at it. I really want anyone who attends to have fun. I can't be true to period and have that happen since most my gamer-goth-dork friends have either grown up and away like I have or stayed there while I moved on.

*

oh well, it'll sort itself out. My dieting has fallen well by the wayside, so has my exercise -- have to get back on those things.

*

I had lunch with my mother on Saturday. (that's my mom)


It was so nice. We sat outdoors at a cafe/coffee shop/restraunt that I frequent and had one of those long leisurly lunches where you don't really eat too much but it feels like it since you savor your food and talk. If every meal could be that relaxed, I'd be skinny. I loved getting to talk to mom in that setting.

I think I'm feeling closer than ever to her -- in some ways because mortality is weighing on me so heavily lately. I've desperately been trying to come to peace with it. Some days I have anxiety attacks that are absolutely overwhelming. It's as if part of my brain is saying "There! There! There's the big picture! Lookit! Over there!" and I know that if I look at it too hard I will literally lose my mind. I am very capable of seeing it.

Life is like grief in so many ways.

There are different stages of grief, and it's been pretty much proven that you need to work through every one of those in order to get to the end. Being aware of those stages sometimes makes it worse when you are doing the grieving. Some part of you is standing in the back wondering why you have to go through this step, since you are conscious that it is neccessary. This part of you, if you let it, will completely invalidate your grief since now it has a name and a function -- it is very tempting to go through the motions but not really do it.

That is my life right now.

I "get" things that maybe we as the peons we are, weren't meant to "get", sometimes -- and oh I miss ignorance. I'm finding it harder and harder to become involved in lesser desires, needs, plans, these things are so temporal. So while I fight with myself to to the living I know I need to do, I am alternately apathetic or appalled how little some of these battles seem in the long run. Right now this house and wedding are all- consuming. In two years, I will wonder why I lost sleep. I know this. I knew this when I was a teenager and didn't share my angst, upset very well since I knew that compared to my mother's worries, they were nothing.

This is my life. I want to live it. I remember when 80 seemed ancient. Now it doesn't seem very long at all -- if I get there -- conversely last year seemed like so long ago. In perspective I know every year will feel like a long time. I know in the grand scheme of things every year is not. I am scared of dying more than any fear ever, it paralyzes me completely. There -- it's out -- I've never ever dared to write that. I know that if I make it to 80 -- I'll probably start feeling exhausted and the prospect of death may feel like a welcome nap.

I embrace the full circle of the tree of life as a philosophy. My rational mind accepts this. My inner screaming selfish mortal doesn't want to hear it.

*

This is where I am. This is why I'm not writing. This is why I plug into puzzle games from 10 p.m. until whenver. This is why I am apparently on a mission to turn my brain into Jell-O.

This is also why I need to get off my ass and do something with what blessings I've been given.

*

signing out

maybe

maybe next week we'll close. odds are, not this Friday as planned. Will know for sure tomorrow. Doug and I are so frustrated.

Fix goat sketties will be back later.

in the meantime, this made me laugh:

click on the sexy whacko.

Lightening Bug Porn

Yes, yes, I am here. I have not had and hopefully am narrowly avoiding a nervous breakdown. Work is getting pretty busy. I had expected complaints to come rolling in my area after the holiday... they waited a week and then hit. But still, busier than usual. On top of everything else that's going on, it's frustrating. I used to have Fridays and Saturdays off and while it is nice to have "normal" hours, I'm realizing even more how not geared to "normal" hours most things are-- doctors, contractors, some stores and so forth. I just don't have enough time in my 45 minute lunch break to eat and make calls. Going to the doctors must involve using my paid time off. But.... I enjoy my Sundays, so I guess that's the trade.

Our 4th was pretty uneventful. I know the weekend had my associates in Philadelphia freaked out. Live 8 basically closed off many blocks of space (no traffic whatsoever) and the surrounding area, plus the flow in and out of the city would be tough. I, personally, would be pissed if I spent the kind of money the folks in the Art Museum District did for housing and then had to deal with it getting flooded with people. However, props to Philly, the city legendary for rabid sports fans, for not having any riots at least.

I was mentioning to Doug how much Live 8 bothered me. I mean -- okay -- I respect that celebrities use their status to help heighten awareness of certain causes. They donate their time, money, and name to these things -- I appreciate that aside from being good for their image, many of them firmly believe in whatever they are supporting and have the attitude that they are fortunate and should try to give back. BUT, I'm not sure I really 'get' the purpose behind Live 8. The cause is good, sure. They're not raising any money, since last time the money was squandered. It has been basically decided that Africa's debt would be forgiven. So ummm, does anyone really BELIVE that millions of people went out to support the cause. No, they went out for a free show and a good excuse to party.

I suppose what my point really is, is what the hell did it do for any starving Africans? Seriously, I'm sure that when they heard that some American got up at 4 a.m. to stake out a place in the city for a free concert ate, drank, and headed to their comfy home to finish the holiday weekend-- I mean, really endured the traffic the heat and crowd -- just to support their cause, whichever poor bastard heard that really felt so much better and so grateful that on that day their 1/2 cup of gruel and gravel was almost satisfying.

I just don't get it, sometimes. Just like our society to try to find ways to pat ourselves on the back without really accomplishing anything. If we're gonna give lip service we could at least swallow.

*
Anyway.

*

The acutal weekend was pretty good. The best part was the fireworks. The neighbor at the new place (by neighbor, I mean 1 mile away) puts on a proffessional-grade fireworks display which is visible from what will be out side yard. This is amazing.

Of course aside from fireworks, just watching the lightning bugs was a show-- they scattered in the dense undergrown and trees like fallen stars -- creating new constellations every few seconds.

It seemed that once the fireworks were underway, they did get a bit more worked up. Allison started laughing and said that they were looking up at the sky going "I love her...."

Great, now I'll always thing of the fireworks as lightening bug porn.

*

Oh oh OH.. I got kitty stickers and a cool card in the mail from E2-- which was very exciting, and thank you very much, as well as the whole pile of bunny info. AND I have this weird festish for stickers, so that makes it even better. The bunny info is so very cool. Thank you!

*

This may be our last weekend here. Kind of scary. We haven't beaten up our mortgage broker yet. In fact, there are lots of facets of our situation that are wonderful, and I can see where she is a creative thinker. Perhaps Doug and I basically got all riled up by the original B.S. that we were on the defensive for so much else. Of course, not procrastinating in the first place would have solved that altogether. So we don't recommend the company, or her, unless you're prepared to be aggressive trying to ensure the pacing doesn't fall behind.

*

I've got so many estimates, my estimates have estimates.

*

Doug and I bough a digital camera. Yay!!! I'm so exicted. Of course as soon as I figure out the software I'll be posting pics.

*

Lunch with Mom today... will write more on that later. It's bedtime. It's so bedtime. Not much sleep last night -- wedding reception, much gin and tonic for this girl. NOW I'm tired.