$70,000 + (not even Canadian)

this is what the windows & siding guy said it would cost to do the house, more if they run into any problems.

i almost fell down.

BUT doug's talked to some others who say that it really seems like too much, and even has a second opinion set up for tomorrow.


........so funny, i never once thought there was any instance where i would hope someone was trying to rip us off. i'm hoping the dude saw new homeowners + old house + construction loan + under pressure and figured he could really make a helluva profit OR he not interested in taking the job, jacked up the price, and figured if we bit then they could push their other work around for the higher profit margin, but if we didn't then, oh well.

I hope tomorrow's estimate goes better. Still waiting on the kitchen.

....more good news -- when Cheshire:

that's him ---->

goes back to his original people (once they're settled in their new house)


Collette, below, gets a new playmate, a Russian Blue kitty named Gigi who is about the same age

(I didn't name her, how appropriate is that? )




Yay, another kitty and a bunny.

*just keeping up with the happy thoughts*

oh boy

today Doug and and I were multi tasking -- he met with the windows & siding guy, I met with the kitchen guy. I think I made out better with the kitchen guy who wasn't making comments about maybe tearing the place down and starting fresh....

so the kitchen stuff is coming along, which is cool. the siding stuff is coming a long which is cool.

the mortgage company, however, has lost three potential clients because of the way they're handling this. seriously, they should be careful who they fuck up with because well, Doug and I are of the age where we're buying our first house. this means that many of our - my - friend are in the house buy market as well, some of them ready to upgrade from their first house. good referrals are the best advertising.

we're getting so fed up by the fact that the broker has been screwing around with this since April -- we started in April, since we knew there was going to be a lot involved. We got a freakin' head start because we knew the house needed some work and stuff, we told them, even. Now, in between answering personal phone calls while meeting with Doug and her boss, she is saying why might need to move the close date back.

oh no she didn't.

if we have to move the close date, we're going elsewhere. the only reason we're still putting up with this is because it's so close to settlement. i'm so mad about it. a lot of this stuff we new was going to happen, and that's why we started early -- we the customer, who do not work in realty knew this.

*sigh*

so frustrating. i know it will work out in the long run, it's just aggrivating now. especially since the broker is an aquaintance. her niece is one of my best friends and is absolutely mortified. i don't want her to feel like she's to blame and she's an awfully good listener about it.

anyway........

so I'm getting a lop-eared bunny! free with accessories. how cool is that. AND the bunny is used to living with cats, so that's a bonus.

Weekend Fun

..has been canceled due to illness. I'm up to about 75 percent. Still forget to eat and to feed the Doug. I promised him a meal at some point.

This morning I got up before 8 a.m., Doug went to the store for supplies, came back and I proceed to make about 20 lbs of potato salad. I was supposed to go to James and Amy' s going away party (they are moving to Buffalo -- Buffalo!!) but had to bail. I had however, committed to potato salad so I couldn't leave them without it. As of this morning I was on antibiotics for 24 hrs so I know the food wouldn't be contaminated. I made two big containers of American potato salad and one of German (mainly for Amy -- I hope she liked it) I still had enough left over to make a big mixing bowl full for Doug, myself and whomever drops by.

German potato salad is a matter of contention in certain circles -- there are several devout schools of thought. They all involve vinegar and bacon -- so it can't be bad anyway.

Two big debates are: to mayonaise or not to mayonaise and hot or cold.

I make mine with mayo and cold. It doesn't need much mayo but I love the flavour after it's been in the fridge for a few days.

Laura's German-Style Potato Salad

• Ha! did you really think I'd let you in on this? It's SOOO top secret.

When it's made warm, it's pretty good though, you peel, dice, and boil potatoes. Fry up some bacon, reserve the grease. Season with garlic or whatever. Maybe some onion...maybe. Drain the potatoes when done. Douse with vineagar, mix in the bacon and some of the reserved grease drizzled in -- salt and pepper. Servce warm. Pretty yummy in a heart clogging kind of way.

Of course in this house, part of the recipe involved keeping an eye on Doug or he'll snag the bacon before I'm done with it! (Of course I'm just as bad at my mother's house so I guess it's my due)

*

Now to go pack some stuff and pray that the move and all that goes with it goes on time. Otherwise my early preparation tactics will be for naught.

Happy Thoughts

...you'd think that the head/lung infection stuff would've happened when I was smoking. It was a bronchitis-free winter. sheesh. Anyway, so it's just a severe sinus infection. Cool thing is that the Doc said my lungs sounded crystal clear. This is cool. I was afraid it was bronchitis. I woke up yesterday almost crying because my face just... hurt. Everything hurt. Doug went out and got me meds before he even went to work.

As for the previous post and the scope of horrors... I don't feel like getting into it now. I'm distracted. I'll let the cobwebs hang out with the dust rhinos in that corner of my brain. Avoidance should be a marketable skill (hold on, I think the other word for that is 'politics')

So since I'm home, I've been put to work doing reseach on the internet and making phone calls. I am so fed up with out mortgage company at this point. We started early with them, since I know the broker and because we knew there'd be first time homebuyer hurdles. Anyway... long story short, it got pushed to the backburner until crunch time (we're supposed to go to settlement in three weeks) and the underwriter decided that she didn't like the appraisal and stuff needed to be done to the house before they'd agree to the mortgage but couldn't say exactly what and dicked around with that for a while (and I have issues with the appraisal in the first place) and finally the broker who is trying to work it out for us comes up with the idea that the loan can be one where they include renovation money.

So here' s how I understand it to work. We have the mortgage for the selling price of the house. On top of that we have estimate for various items they'd like to see done (windows, siding, and kitchen). They add that money to the mortgate amount and put it in escrow. When we make the repair, they give us the money. If we HAVE the money for the repair, we can turn around and pay off that much of the mortgage, since after it leaves the escrow, that amount gets added to the total cost of the home. If we don't have it, then we use it to pay the contractor.

So -- good thing is that some of the stuff we were going to put off a bit are going to get done faster. Bad thing is that we're going to be mortgaged up to our eyeballs. Fortunately my income is not being taken into account for these decisions (everything is in Doug's name) so that means that what I earn is like a secret weapon of sorts.

*

I really hope this all works out. So the research I've been doing has been on kitchen design. I love to cook and feed people and stuff. My hub is the kitchen. Currently the house has a functioning kitchen upstairs in what used to be a hallway -- the "new kitchen" is an unfinished room on the first floor, that's been built as an addition onto the house.

So at least there will be no teardown for the contractor, and everything really will be starting fresh. I just have to find one. Right now we have a refferral that's enough to get an estimate in. He's a friend of the current owner. What cool is when speaking to him he said that he'd be stopping by on Sunday to visit so he'd get the measurements then. I'm hoping that the company is flexible enough to work with us (okay, me.) For example I'm really into Marmoleum which is a more environmentally friendly approach to linoleum than vinyl. I don't know if they'll be able to do that, I hope so. I'd also like to cut costs by doing the stuff that I can do myself -- painting for example, why pay someone to paint? I'd also really like the kitchen to be as eco-friendly as possible without being too expensive. Efficient appliances are a big part of that, paints that don't off-gas too much -- I have an article about paints made from non-toxic material and processes somewhere, sustainable wood cabinets -- that kind of thing.

I'm rambling. But with all the work we have to do, eventually this operation will be up and running.



This is my happy thought...............

This is a baby nubian goat right about the size of the one that I got to play with on Sunday. I love the floppy ears.
Doug and I are going to raise goats. Hopefully I'll be able to use the milk to make cheese, yogurt, and maybe even lotions or soaps (goats milk is the new thing in moisturizers and stuff) We met with a friend of a friend who breeds goats for an overview. He was so interesting! But I learned a lot -- got to try my hand at milking -- and he even offered me a truckload of compost if I wanted it when I started my garden at the new place (really good, rich stuff). So I think he's cool with me.

Now we just have to get the house so all this can happen. Goats won't happen until after the wedding most likely, since we'll be on honeymoon for a month and I don't want to bother any of my friends into caring for them. We'll already need someone to visit the chickens every day, and take care of the cats. I was hoping to get my friend Mike to house-sit, but I dont' know how likely that will be if he's in school or something.

So..... who wants to house, cats, and chicken sit? Any suggestions on the house stuff would be greatly welcome too....

Today's Scope

My horoscope today:

"Today's celestial energy is shining light into all those cobweb-filled corners of your brain. You know the place, where all those feelings are stored that you'd really rather not revisit. It's going to be hard to hide today. Expect old events to come back to haunt you. Repressed dreams may come back with a vengeance. Try not to drown these feelings out, dear Taurus. Write your thoughts down, take a walk and really contemplate the lessons you need to learn from these experiences."

Nice......


Doctor's appointment in an hour. At least will get a note for work to say, yes, I have indeed been ill for the three days I've been out. I forgot to change my voicemail message before this morning and had 11 messages -- grrreeeattt. So I checked them and called a few people back and left messages. Hopefully they don't just hit their caller ID and call me back at home!

*

I'm going to have to get back to the horror-scope thing. Basically it encapsulates not today -- but the past month or more.

*

Dali

Lot's going on here -- I forget to write about the important stuff, sometimes, and get distracted.

For example, a few weeks ago Doug and I went to the Philadelphia Museum of Art and saw the Salvador Dali show -- it was so incredibly inspiring and formidable. I was saturated with information when we left. It also makes me feel pretty elite -- like I know something. In fact they extended the time frame that the show was running because it was doing so well, tickets sold out on the extension but my honey got them in time. I really was fortunate to get to go see that because the exhibit culled pieces from several different museums and I may be wrong but not far from right in saying that I think it was the only North American showing of this exhibit.

Interestingly enough the Met was doing an exhibit on Max Ernst around the same time as the Dali exhibit. If I were a true devotee I would have made it up there, too. I am not. I think I'm still processing information from the Dali exhibit. We bought a print -- nothing like "Soft Construction with Boiled Beans" but one of his earlier works... I was also impressed with some of his later stuff.

Some things I took away --

1. Dali's approach to surrealism was truer, I think, than Ernst or a predecessor DiChirico, he was a realist painter, who painted his dreams with the same kind of clarity one might approach a portrait or a still life. I love this about his work, and it disturbs me to know there was someone running around with that kind of detail in his head. He did a still life -- bread in a basket blahdiblah that looked like a photo.

2. Dali had deep-seated woman issues. (who doesn't tricky critters that we are) But now I know that the women in his portraits are not random the two most used were his sister (who is in the print we bought) and his wife Gala.

3. If I ever think Doug is crazy refer to Dali's obsession with Millet's painting "The Angelus" He took his interpretation so incredibly far. In overview, he was convinced that rather than being a pastoral painting of two peasants, head's bowed in prayer, pausing in their work to do so -- he saw the woman as a praying mantis prepared to eat the man's head after coitus AND the man is into that (notice his hat over his private area -- according to Dali, he is hiding an erection)

4. Many of his painting feature a crutch of some sort holding something up. Basically most items being propped up by this crutch were elongate, disproportionate, or phallic. I don't have the quote exactly but Dali visualized them supporting the government (Spanish civil war) wanted to give them a sizeable kick and see what would happen.

This prop is a relic from Dali's childhood -- as explained in part by this quote from http://www.doubletakeart.com states "Quite by accident, Pitchot provided a prop that would serve Dali for most of his artistic life, when the young painter came across a crutch during his exploration of Pitchot's attic. " Further, from the audio tour of the exhibit, apparently he used this prop to poke and prod and otherwise torment a girl he was fond of at that time -- so you see it as a sexual extension of sorts. There are many ideas of the representation of the crutch -- due to the often sexual nature of Dali's work and his Freudian perspectives I'm going with the first.

From http://www.countyhallgallery.com their symbol glossary of Dali's work states "The crutch is one of Dali’s most important images and features in many of his works. It is first and foremost a symbol of reality and an anchor in the ground of the real world, providing spiritual and physical support for inadequacy in life. The crutch is also the symbol of tradition, upholding essential human values." I believe this to be bunk, as a generalization, much the same way archetypes in dream analyzation are often bunk. In fact, since so much of Dali's inspiration is from dreams, then I will stand firmly in my conviction. A cigar may just be a cigar, unless you are a certain intern :) Get it ? Good.

....there's more but I'm tired of writing about this at the moment. Besides, this is the first halfway intelligent thing I've written in ages.

okay this IS funny

I got this in an email today -- in lieu of forwarding it across the world, I just post it here, where it can be ignored by those who want to ignore it.

I started out as a social thinker and told myself I could stop whenever I wanted but before I knew it I had an uncontrollable thinking problem.

It began innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I asked my wife about the meaning of life. She told me I thought too much and went back to reading her romance novel.

I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I didn't care if it was hardcover or paperback.

I roared into the parking lot with Mozart blaring from the radio and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, a poster caught my eye: "Friend. Is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster, which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me. Today, I registered to vote as a Democrat...

Drop Dead Fred

Okay, so yeah, Drop Dead Fred is one of my favorite movies (I don't care if it's cheesy, snotface)...

... and I'm getting some crap on never having an imaginary friend, now.


So, what I really want to know is who was (is) your imaginary friend, and what did they do? Tell me about them.

...interesting....

As a child, did you ever:

(x) sneak out of the house
(x) get lost in your own neighbourhood
(x) see a shooting star
(x) get into a fist fight
(x) laugh so hard you had milk/coke come down your nose
( ) have an imaginary friend or pet
(x) push all the buttons on an elevator
(x) skip school
( ) get stitches
(x) get the chicken pox
( ) done the splits
(x) played spin the bottle
(x) cheat on a test or exam
(x) deliberately ignore your curfew
(x) go out in public in your pajamas
(x) shoplift
( ) have a crush on a teacher



As an adult have you ever:

( ) been to any other countries (as child, yep)
( ) had a serious surgery
(x) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
( ) been arrested
(x) skipped work
(x) been in love
(x) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
(x) skinny dipped
( ) scuba dived
( ) been fired
(x) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
(x) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) lied to a significant other/spouse
( ) celebrated Mardi-Gras in New Orleans
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
( ) seen someone die
( ) had a close friend die
(x) driven over 400 miles in one day
(x) been on a plane
(x) seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) met someone in person from the internet
( ) lost a child
(x) gone to college/university
( ) graduated college/university
( ) fired a gun

foodie hell

I pulled my groin muscle sometime today. Or maybe it was yesterday and I just feel it now. I don't know. The knee doctor says to limit my lunges. I am now waddling around like a Weeble and am really nervous about working with the personal trainer tomorrow.

I have also slacked off on my keeping the "food diary" that I'm supposed to keep. I spent an hour each night calculating calories....and it drove me nuts because I love food - so I'm always eating something different and fun -- even if it is healthy, so I don't have "set" foods that I can count the calories on.

For example dinner (officially) tonight was:

1 box Annie's Bunny Pasta w/ Yummy Cheese (a gift from E2...thanks!)
with 2 cans of chunk white tuna mixed in
and three or four scallions
and 1 tomato, chopped and barely cooked

oh and 6 pieces of fresh steamed asparagus.

Even a simple throw together dinner like that is a pain in the butt. What I would do here is add the total calories of the pasta dish and divide by 1/3 since that's how much I had... roughly.

*sigh*

Of course my first dinner was half a container of Healthy Choice Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream, 2 pickled eggs, and a Healthy Choice french bread pizza.

Sometimes I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't think that quiting smoking has helped. I mean, I generally am making much better food choices. But today on the way to the doctor's I was absolutely fiending for a cigarette and did not have one. So on the way back, I was fighting the desire for french fries.. which I won.... until I saw the ice cream in the freezer and that was it.

It craving transferrance. I can't do it all at once. I'm working out regularly. Lost a bit of weight, not gaining and quit smoking for over a month. I think I need to re-adjust my focus. I bit long of being fat isn't going to hurt me if I end up caving on the cigs. Also-- I can feel my muscles developing under the fat, so I'm still doing okay.

I just have to convince myself of that. Plus, I have oral issues on both sides of my mouth right now that make eating crunchy, chunky or otherwise not bready and soft foods -- a bit painfull, okay very painful, and slow which makes things even more frustating.

I'm extremely scared of the dentist since I know I need a lot of work done, but I can't deal with the pain. The fact of the matter is,I can handle any one of these things by themselves, but all together, they are turning something I love into something I dread. Very much in the vein of "A Clockwork Orange"... so staying off the cigs, watching the diet, but not angsting over it, and D is finding me a dentist.

On a lighter note-- I did pic up some fresh strawberries from the Amish fruit stand ( so yummy and sun-warm and juicy!) that looked so good that I got some rhubarb too. So D and I are having strawberry-rhubarb cobbler right now, and yes you can be jealous. It's good. I added the juice of a lime and it really brought out the flavors well. Sooo good.

...see there I go with the cookin, and the eatin, and stuff. *sigh*

rant

I got off work early today in order to go, which was interesting, considering it was crazybusy at work today. But I had an appointment. Sometimes I hate my job. I love my company -- we really try to step up to our customer service goals, but sometimes fall through. And people... they just WANT so much. I'm so sick of dealing with coddled, brainwashed, lawsuit hungry, consumers every day -- who, when something doesn't go quite right, thinks we owe them the world. It seems that everday people feel that they are less and less accountable for their own decisions. Something (insert theory here) has made people hyperfocus on the little crap so that the big crap is overlooked - it's like that article about forensics I read somewhere that stated that juries are getting worse and worse because they expect forensics to answer absolutely everything, and quickly, when in fact, foresics are costly, underfunded, time consuming and not foolproof. These same morons that believe what they see on a fictional TV show and throw off the court systems are also the ones that hear about obscene lawsuit settlements where someone has made a stupid mistake and made someone else, especially a big company, pay for it.

Oh I hate people sometimes. The thing that makes me feel bad is that often the folks that really deserve compensation are the ones that don't fight for it, that are very nice, and are willing to look at things objectively. So of course, they usually get diddley-squat.

Not with me if I can help it. *sigh* Sorry for the rant, I've just been working in nutjob central the past few days and it has been ....special.

the finish line eludes me

I won tickets to go see the Busch race in Dover today. Since it rained yesterday, they postponed the Craftsman Truck series race until this morning -- which meant twice as much racing for my free buck. I even sent D to the liquor store to get cans of beer to put in my soft sided cooler thing. (this is in addition to the insane amount of alcohol already in our fridge)

but getting up this morning at 6:30 didn't happen. i was so tired. I am somewhat disappointed, we blew off the race since it's rather grey out, and it's good to rest if rest is what's needed. I love racing -- I don't follow it well, but will watch when I get the chance. I'm not exactly on the up and up on stats and so forth. I really loved watching the last bit of the Indy 500 this year -- maybe Danica will get it then. I get a kick out of femail drivers. Sara Fisher was pretty darn good for a bit, but things kept getting in her way (namely other drivers, car going to crap, etc). I don't know what she's doing now, I haven't seen her name in a bit. Oh and NASCAR fanatic I am not. I like Tony Stewart because he is an asshole who eats, sleeps, breathes, and craps racing-- I have to respect that. Other than that, I'll watch it, but I'm definately an open wheel chick. I was thinking about taking Doug to the Bridgeport Speedway tonight in order to watch racing on the dirt track. That's where I was introduced to it. I love the big block modifieds and the sprint cars. Hoping we can go see the URC Sprints when they're at Bridgeport on 7/30.

Anyway, enough of that stuff, this was meant to be a personal ponderance. I don't know why I like racing so much -- not just autombile, but many types. The idea of having a finish line, of winning, of having a solid goal beckons me like a siren. I've never really had too many of them. I've always subscribed to the 'as long as you enjoy doing it" mode of thinking and my goals are constantly shifting. Is it because I'm a coper? No doubt. I'm used to having to compromise my goals, or lower them, or raise them as I go along. I've have trouble sometimes empathizing with people who have a very solid goal "This is what I want to achieve" and then setting out for it, never looking to either side and just going for it. Sure, some 20 years later, you're CEO but what did you miss along the way to achieve that? I think my major goal is to enjoy living -- that's partially why I'm trying to get back into shape and eat right, and live right. I'd like to live a long time. The exhileration of meeting a goal is wonderful -- for small goals, great -- for big goals, what next?

I suppose it's just the type of person I am (flake) but I don't see any real 'winners' in life. Our finish line is the same no matter who we are. I'm scared shitless of that finish line, and because of that, I'd like to enjoy the race -- every last minute of it. So it makes sense, I think that the girl who rarely finishes anything, would love racing, where it's all about finishing - 'tis my outlet for these things, since paradoxically, I am also highly competitive. Weird eh? Maybe this will make sense to me later, or not at all and I'll delete it.

In a strange mood today. Had dreams about babies and children. One where I was a third party watching my very pregnant self get wheeled around a hospital on a gurney (it was not a happy dream, something was wrong with the baby). Another about Alexa. And another about a two year old boy that I was somehow related to that was dead -- he was lying over the back of a couch when I saw him, someone had found him, dead, and just tossedhim there like you would a coat. His cheek was smashed into the couch cushions, and I remember the curve of his buttcheek - he was naked -- and had a weird impulse to pat it -- the way we do with toddlers who have cute little tushies. Then I cried when it sunk in to me that he was dead. There's more to it, but I can't get the details straight.

Very strange morning of dreams, leaving me more than a little shook up. I think I'll go take a walk now.

Support Independant Artists

If anyone you know is into electronica at all I suggest this CD by Event Horizon -- it's really incredibly good. At the very least check out the samples available and see for yourself!

Okay, 'nuff shameless plug for my friend -- but I would not shameless plug something that I didn't believe in since that is foolish and nobody trusts your opinion afterwards. If you want to look into the mind of this madman -- and I suggest you do but with caution (and maybe cheese) -- he can be found sequestered over here.

great big puppies

If anyone wants a big dog you should check here.

It's so very cool since they are friends and can only be adopted as a pair. I really want them but since we're not closing on the house for six weeks and don't have a fenced in yard, it's kinda out of the question. Also Doug pointed out that we're not exactly available to play while we're at work.

At the very least, check out the site, it's great for people looking for pets and getting an animal a home.

addendum: Please check HERE if you are in the market to adopt another kind of puppy -- cute, attentive, and hopefully not TOO slobbery. Mostly house trained.

(here I go with those shameless plugs again, at least they're not shameless PUGS... that can get weird.)

embarrassing sibling story

In an email earlier today, I was asked if I really have a fixation on being viewed in the crapper (not seriously, of course)

the answer is no

however I did grow up with four younger brothers, and bodily functions are not sacred to my family. in fact, there are almost no family gatherings that occur without some kind of discussion about the digestive/expulsive process. it's important to know that everyone is 'regular' and if not then discuss how to become 'regular'.

actually, 'regular' is something akin to a state of nirvana in my family -- most members, anyway.


in any case, the email reminded me first that I am scared of Port-O-Johns in the summer because I am certain there will at some time be a wasp nest or something creepy on the great hollow underside of the seat and a wasp or something nasty will come up and sting, bite, or otherwise molest my ass.

what that caused me to remember is that when my brother was 8 or 9 he saw the movie Ghoulies where the monster things liked to pop out of the toilet and well, it was just kinda scary, so scary to him that he resorted to begging his big sister (me) to sit in the bathroom with him EVERY time he had to poop for the next year.

and we wonder why constipation is a problem. :)

hidey hole

I think I need a hidey hole to post stuff, the dark secret-y stuff.

In a bee tree
old honey blackens:
unused, uneaten,
the sweet congealed
tar of other bee-lives.

Ancient royal jelly
gathers dust
on the backshelves
as new cells glisten
under the thrum
of cellophane wings.

I'll wager
that bees are secretly
relieved when the bee tree
is ravished --
the best housekeepers
always start from scratch.

I wrote something today that I can't post, but somehow feel I need too. I just don't want anyone to see it and feel pained -- cathartic or not -- or awkward.

Why is there this part of me wants to be spied on in the bathroom?!